Friends Are The Worst: The End of Team Sports

Friends have never been a thing I was good at. Not that I'm a total asshole or anything, I've just never been able to relate to most people enough to hang out with them or get to know them. Plus, I grew up in a house that preached you should never count on anybody to do anything for you ever, nor should you for any… » 2/28/15 1:53am Today 1:53am

A Long-winded Account of How I Set the Stage For My Own Ass-Kicking

Why did I join a fraternity in college? Mainly to get easy access to drugs. Also, it beat sitting in the dorm on weekend nights and sipping Jansport-smuggled vodka handles while playing MarioKart, watching Seven for the umpteenth time, and looking for hopeless excuses to go upstairs and wander the girls' floor, where… » 2/27/15 8:34pm Yesterday 8:34pm

Fendi plays basketball

In 1998 I played freshman (c-team) basketball at my little Catholic high school in St. Louis. I was not particularly good. Before the season I saw a magazine ad featuring Mitch Richmond for some Nike shoes called Air Bakin's, and for reasons I cannot recollect now, I begged my parents to buy them for me and they did.… » 2/27/15 4:47pm Yesterday 4:47pm

Viceroy Boy

The only shitty thing about caddying during the Quad-Cities Open was having to wear pants. Midwestern summers can be as brutal as the winters with the temperature and humidity creating a Flashdance worthy furnace engulfing my middle adolescence. The women were beautiful and lightly dressed. There was a party every… » 2/27/15 4:09pm Yesterday 4:09pm

Hubris on the Field of Battle: A Cautionary Tale

First match of the tournament and look at this geek-ass motherfucker in front of me. Mom dressed him, stupid haircut, Wal-Mart glasses ass bitch. Nerdass bitch. Grinning like a damn puppy. "Good luck!" Nerdass chirps as he reaches across the table to shake my hand. Good luck, I think. Motherfucker, you ain't seen… » 2/27/15 11:22am Yesterday 11:22am

The Time I Was Terrible At Baseball (It Was The Whole Time, Actually)

So, I played baseball for a few years when I was a kid. I was never very good at it. In truth, before I started playing organized baseball, I don't think I'd ever watched a whole baseball game or played anything closer to actual baseball than wiffle ball. I was a pretty solid athlete back in those days, so I could… » 2/27/15 10:32am Yesterday 10:32am

Are ESPN Suspensions Becoming Business Decisions?

Keith Olbermann is merely the latest ESPN employee to be suspended. Who knows why ESPN thinks suspensions are a good idea, as compared to internal discipline, fines, or firings. For whatever reason, a large media corporation has decided to imitate the tactics of the NFL towards suspensions. But the list of ESPN… » 2/25/15 4:30pm Wednesday 4:30pm