Hey, do you know where your girl is? ‘Cause Ryan Lochte does. He just stole your girl.

You may be thinking, ‘Z.W. doesn’t mean my girl.’ Is your girl standing next to you right now? No? Then I most definitely mean your girl. Ryan Lochte just stole your girl.

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‘But Z.W., if he’s with my girl how can he be with everyone else’s girl?” Do you ask children ‘how can Santa deliver gifts to every Christian house in the world?’ I bet you tell children that their dog you just ran over in your Ford Focus didn’t go to heaven, you Atheist dick. Well, Ryan Lochte is the Santa Claus of stealing your girl.

Can you blame her? I mean, look at this guy, he’s mysterious af.

Ryan Lochte hiding in the shadows at the US Olympic trials.

But I’m cool, because my BAE is sitting right there on the couch in a sombrero, nowhere near the charms of Ryan. Isn’t that right, babe?

Babe?

Oh, goddammit.

This is 500 Days of Ryan.