First of a series on how to recognize the most powerful people in the nation’s most popular sport.

Team: Arizona Cardinals

Owner: Bill Bidwill

Beverage of Choice: a glass of house Chardonnay at 50% off during Wednesday Happy Hour.

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Source of Wealth: Thirty years of pharmaceutical manufacturer bribe money. Upon retirement, grew moustache to conceal true identity.


Team: Atlanta Falcons

Owner: Arthur Blank

Notable Achievement: no-show for owner’s meeting on franchise relocation.

Excuse: stopped to tie Nell Fenwick to the railroad tracks and subsequently missed the connecting flight from Saskatoon.


Team: Baltimore Ravens

Owner: Steve Bisciotti

Beverage of Choice: Foster’s Lager

Shunned For: adopting a cheesy Scottish accent and scaring all the neighborhood children.


Team: Carolina Panthers

Owner: Jerry Richardson

Part-Time Job: Body doubles Lenin at the mausoleum in Red Square whenever the real Lenin goes in for a cleaning.


Team: St. Louis Los Angeles Rams

Owner: Stan Kroenke

Beverage of Choice: Absinthe, with a splash of puppy blood.

Fun Fact: addresses all members of the domestic staff as “Cato”.


Team: Detroit Lions

Owner: Martha Ford

Beverage of Choice: A cup of Chamomile tea, borne upon a silver salver by a Chippendale’s dancer.

Arrested For: crashing White House state dinners under an assumed name.


Team: San Diego Chargers

Owner: Alex Spanos

Early Career: failed comic and game show host.

Notable Gaffe: playing the canned laugh track during that “I Hate Losing” interview.


Team: Buffalo Bills

Owner: Terry Pegula

Former Career: character actor

Claim to Fame: played the hey-I-know-that-guy roles in all those Mel Brooks films.