Second in a series on how to recognize the most powerful people in the nation’s most popular sport.
Team: Minnesota Vikings
Owner: Zygi Wilf
Notable For: Stadium extortion and accounting irregularities.
Which Distinguishes Him From: No one around here.
Receiver Of: Wedgies from Harpo, Zeppo, and Gummo.
Team: Green Bay Packers
Owner (claimed): These fucking people.
Owner (actual): These fucking people.
Fan Base: These fucking people.
Summarize Franchise in Three Words: These fucking people.
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Owner: Jed York
Method of Ownership: Acquired franchise by trading his sister Jenna a floppy disk.
Fun Fact: Mom picks out his suits.
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Owner: Mike Brown
Graduated From: The Jerry Jones Divinity School.
Stays in Shape By: running a mile in tight shoes to chisel widows and orphans out of rent money.
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Owner: Jerry Jones
Date of Birth: October 13, 1942
Date of Death: Precisely three seconds after he is first referred to in print as “a good football man”.
NFL Security Code Name: Ozymandias
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Owner: The Glazers
Beverage of Choice: A Pint of Webster’s
Reason for Ownership: Failed to click the “disambiguation” link on the football Wikipedia page.
Team: New Orleans Saints
Owner: Tom Benson
Beverage of Choice: Formaldehyde
Claim to Fame: once played the spoons on the head of the President of Kyrgyzstan.
Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Owner: Shahid Khan
Burning Question: Bond Villain or Sidekick?
Burning Substance: Weed