By now, I’m sure you’ve all seen or heard the apocalyptic news coming out of Washington on what was previously a lovely Friday: Obama has ruled gay marriage legal across the entire United States. American society as we know it is coming apart at the seams. Up is now down, forwards now backwards, sideways now sideways but in the other direction. Hedonism and godlessness are now the law of this formerly great land .
The only bright light that I could find in this whole debacle is that this ruling can obviously be thrown onto the ever-growing pile of evidence that we at this fine sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-blog have been compiling over the years in our efforts to out Obama as The Destroyer of Gentiles, The Proud Man, The Idol Sheperd, The Assyrian.
In despair of this cataclysmic ruling, I’ve put together a list of ten things that we Americans can expect to see in the coming years now that the Fuhrer has torn our moral fabric asunder:
1) Ramen will be required, by law, to be eaten immediately upon completion (without the addition of any ice cubes) with a fork
2) With the 3rd pick in the 2016 NBA Draft, Michael Jordan will draft a competent NBA basketball player
3) Mexicans will stop attempting to illegally cross our borders—but Canadians will start
4) Tottenham will finish in the top 4 of the BPL
5) I will marry a potato
6) Ladybugs will become Gentlemanbugs
7) Dan Snyder will trot out an actual Native American in defense of his football team’s logo
8) Turtles will start fucking ants
9) Lana, Lana... LANAAAAAA!!!! will tell a joke in a Deadspin comment thread
10) Seriously, I’m going to marry the fuck out of a potato
Ladies and gentlemen, may I suggest you all start wearing bags over your head.