From time to time I encounter someone eating yogurt or talking about yogurt and feel it necessary to make two critical points about the consumption of this fine high-protein food item.

First, you need to understand that only one style of yogurt is acceptable. Greek yogurt. If you eat any other national yogurt, you are an idiot and might as well die. But it can’t be any kind of Greek yogurt. It has to be real Greek yogurt. Unless you have a Greek grandmother in Greece who spend all her time making yogurt on a seaside cliff, your only option is Fage. That’s pronounced “fa-ye” you sack of shit. If you even mention the word Chobani as an option I will destroy your family and everything your family holds dear.

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Second, the more you add to your Fage Greek yogurt, the more you demonstrate your worthlessness as a human. A few pinches of unsweetened, extremely dry granola is the best option but not everyone has the refined palate of a well-tuned machine. A drop of honey? Fine but only one. A few berries? I guess that’s ok if you need everything you eat to be dessert. Anything more than that and you might as well just eat seven Big Macs and shoot up an 8 ball.

These are absolute truths about yogurt.