We all like songs we know are bad, but occasionally, my enjoyment of a bad song borders on the obsessive. "Hey Leonardo" fits that bill; I recognize that by all accounts it should be considered a borderline unlistenable song, but I have a pathological compulsion to listen to it every 2 weeks or so. I don't want to listen to it— I have to. [Although, lately, it's been replaced by the equally ridiculous "Fever for the Flava" by Hot Action Cop.] But what is it that makes "Hey Leonardo" bad, besides the music, vocals, and the very idea of it? Its lyrics, of course. Thanks to this pathological compulsion, we're going to examine them.

"She don't care about my car
She don't care about my money
And that's read good cause I don't got a lot to spend
But if I did it wouldn't mean nothin
"

Hey, that's not so bad. Those lyrics are relatable! We all have cars and money, and it's nice because this woman doesn't care about those things, instead focusing on our speaker's better qualities. The song drops us in medias res, not telling us who this mysterious "she" is. Hopefully we'll find out!

"She likes me for me
Not because I look like Tyson Beckford
"

Wait, what? Who's Tyson Beckford? Apparently he's this guy. Huh. This also brings us to the fact that the lead singer of this song is black. Huh. I was expecting him to look like whatever a worse Barenaked Ladies look like.

"With the charm of Robert Redford
Oozing out my ears
"

Oh man. This took a turn for the worse.

"But what she sees
Are my faults and indecisions
My insecure condition
And the tears upon the pillow that I shed"

Ha! Our Tyson Beckford-lookalike is a wuss.

"She don't care about my big screen
Or my collection of DVDs
Things like that just never mattered much to her
Plus she don't watch too much TV
"

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Let's remember this was written when the idea of having a collection of DVDs was impressive. That doesn't excuse it, it just gives us some context. The line could have been "Or all of my floppies" or something, though.

Skipped: Some Boring Stuff About Flying

"She likes me for me
Not because I hang with Leonardo
"

Presumably the actor, DiCaprio, or the Ninja Turtle.

"Or that guy who played in "Fargo"
I think his name is Steve
"

Waitwaitwait. You hang out with this guy, Steve Buscemi, and you don't know his name? You sound like a terrible friend! Thankfully, she likes you for you, and not your friendship qualities.

[More stuff skipped]

"She likes me for me
Not because I sing like Pavorotti
"

Demonstrably not true, Beckford.

"Or because I'm such a hottie
I like her for her
"

Woah! He's going to tell us about her! Finally! What's she like, man?

"Not because she's fat like Cindy Crawford"

I assume that's supposed to be "phat," and songmeanings fucked up. You never know, though!

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"She has got so much to offer
Why does she waste all her time with me?
There must be something there that I don't see
"

We have some top-notch rhyming going on here. "See" and "me" following "Crawford" and "offer."

"She likes me for me
Not because I'm tough like Dirty Harry
Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey
I'm like the Cable Guy
"

I'm not entirely sure "she" even exists. I think this whole song was just written for the singer to brag about himself in incredibly stupid ways.

"But what she sees is that I can't live without her
My arms belong around her
And I'm so glad I found her once again
"

Sweet merciful God, it's over. And we never even found out why she likes him! Oh well, maybe I'll find out when I listen to this again in 2 months.