Last night before I went to sleep, a friend of mine texted me saying: "UNF MADE DEADSPIN!!!" My first reaction was, "Oh no, we did something stupid."
And that we did.
The University of North Florida is my alma mater. I spent nearly five years there, in effort to obtain my degree in History (please, hold your laughter for the conclusion of the piece), and seeing my beloved school on Deadspin was, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the shining moments of my life.
So, since North Florida is now part of the known unknown, I will give you a brief rundown of what makes it so special...
Location: Jacksonville, Florida. The largest city in the United States (in square mileage), and without a doubt one of the most boring major cities in the country. Though it spans from middle of nowhere hick towns to beautiful beaches, nothing ever happens there (Jags games don't count).
Founded: 1969 (accredited in 1972, remodeled every year since then).
Nickname: The Ospreys. The osprey is a bird of prey, just like an eagle, or a hawk, but no one has actually seen one. It's also a tiltrotor aircraft made by Boeing and used by the American military.
President: John Delaney (aka Uncle John). Formerly served as two-term mayor of Jacksonville, and Chancellor of the State University System of Florida. Apparently he burned down the frat house he lived in while attending UF.
Number of Students: Somewhere around 16,000 according to our Wiki page. I'm not sure that that's true, since in the five years I spent there, I only saw the same 112 people and none of them lived on campus.
- Sara Walsh (current anchor on Sportscenter)
- Yoanna House (winner of Season 2 of America's Next Top Model)
- Todd Haley (noted douchebag, and current Offensive Coordinator of the Pittsburgh Steelers; I would also like to note that UNF has never had a football program, so his ineptitude makes so much sense)
- Jonathan Papelbon's less talented younger brother whose name I'm too lazy to look up
Other things I guess you should know about UNF:
- One thing I can commend the school on is that when they wanted to completely fuck each and every one of their students, they really committed to it. They made every parking garage about 300 spaces too small, and made every important building about two miles away from the heart of campus (not joking, our financial aid building was basically off campus and in a parking lot where parking services would not hesitate to ticket you).
- The bar scene in Jacksonville, especially near the beaches and Riverside, was pretty damn great, if only because there was an infinite variety to choose from. Irish beach bar with constant reggae music? Sure. Hole in the wall gay bar? You bet. Super hip gastropub (ugh) with good food and 18,000 taps? Yup.
- Greek life was a fucking disaster when I was there (and part of it). I'm almost certain that every single Greek organization, including the black fraternities and sororities, were put on probation at some point while I was enrolled (including mine, but that's another story for another day).
- We're part of the A-Sun Conference in all sports, and have never really won anything. Our rivals are the crosstown private school, Jacksonville University, who have a football team and a campus that I was almost murdered on.
- When I got my first job in college, one of the first people I met asked where I went to school and laughed directly in my face while saying, "I hope you like this job enough to keep it since you go to U Never Finish."
- Well guess what, bitch? I did finish... With a History degree... In five years.
- 2015 ATLANTIC SUN CONFERENCE MEN'S BASKETBALL CHAMPIONS!!!!!!!!1!!11!!!!!!
So, uh... I guess that's UNF. It was pretty okay.