Foreword by pleather_face
On 25 November 2013, Aldon Smith kicked Robert Griffin III in the groin during an otherwise unremarkable NFL game. The Twittersphere predictably exploded with references to RGIII's reproductive organs, with varying degrees of crassness and cleverness. In the male-dominated space that is American sports, phallic humor arrives early and often, and almost always without second thought. In the maelstrom of jokes directed at RGIII's loins, Girlwonder calmly remarked on the spike in penis-related tweets currently in her timeline:
Biting erudition, to be sure, and words that set off a stichomythia of breasts-related euphemisms between Girlwonder and Batman's Robyn (with occasional pepperings from Fidrych Or Die Tryin'). It was amazing to see in real time: one imagines watching Pollock in his New York studio fling paint at the floor in measured chaos. What follows herein is a retrospective conversation between the principals of that night, as they critique a collated list of the "boobphemisms" chart I drew up on 26 November. Consider this a lively lesson in anatomical humor, gender dynamics, and the perils of firm categorization.
Batman's Robyn: Wow, that's quite a list now that I'm seeing it in all its color-coded glory.
Girlwonder: It's a finely curated list. Thanks to pleather_face for collecting them all!
Batman's Robyn: In my saved emails from pleather it's like, his dissertation, my thesis, some other school stuff...and "BOOB CHART" so I'm glad this is getting the academic treatment it deserves.
Girlwonder: I'm sure that this exercise will be remembered as the pinnacle of our academic careers. Let's get started!
Batman's Robyn: Where did "afros" come from?
Girlwonder: That wasn't one of mine. Not yours? Must have been Fidrych.
Batman's Robyn: Definitely wasn't mine. But I mean more in general terms. All of the anatomical ones are fairly straightforward, and then "afros".
Girlwonder: I think the anatomical category is the least interesting. Tits. Breasts. Bosoms. Boring. But yeah, what's up with "afros"?
Batman's Robyn: Is it some specific kink thing? Women with chest hair? I'm genuinely at a loss for it.
Girlwonder: I'm beginning to suspect that some of these boobphemisms may not be in widespread usage. Yet.
Batman's Robyn: They will be once we enlighten the masses.
Batman's Robyn: Animalia's boring too :( Some of the animals are pretty suspect, though. The titmouse is an ACTUAL thing, and it is seriously underutilized in the world of euphemisms.
Girlwonder: Titmeese would make a great euphemism for boobs.
Batman's Robyn: Yup. Way less threatening than "dingos." The whole "dingo ate my baby" thing is a bit weird, given boobs' primary function.
Girlwonder: "Show me your titmeese!"
Girlwonder: Chubby little birdies. Oooh, that would be a good one, too. I think my standard for whether a boobphemism is good or not will be how it sounds when you're demanding that the boobs be flashed. "Show me your chubby little birdies!"
Batman's Robyn: Mine's whether or not it would make me laugh in a bedroom context. I once dated a guy who legit called them "love lumps." There's nothing more awkward than a dude asking to put his cock in between your love lumps.
Girlwonder: A good 95% of these would fail the bedroom context test unless we are talking about a really long term relationship. Also, I just realized it's been a long time since I've been asked to titty fuck. "Mammary intercourse" according to wikipedia. Maybe it's a young person's game?
Batman's Robyn: I've been asked a few times, but I've never actually done it. I can't imagine it would be comfortable.
Batman's Robyn: Moving right along.
Girlwonder: I think the automotive category might be my favorite. So retro!
Batman's Robyn: I love it! I do pinup stuff every once in a while so it makes me so happy. Winnebagos doesn't make much sense to me though.
Girlwonder: Yeah, I made that one up. I'm gonna be honest: there were a few that I made up.
Batman's Robyn: Cheater. I did too. It's half the fun.
Girlwonder: Let's face it, the world needs more boobphemisms.
Batman's Robyn: I'm curious if the guys have any that we missed.
Girlwonder: Oh, I'm sure they do. And that's fine. This doesn't have to be a definitive list. It can be dynamic — it has room to grow.
Batman's Robyn: Oh, I want to know them. We just can't get too dirty lest we scare the boys. AND SPEAKING OF SCARING BOYS, can we talk about the feminism/misogyny category for a second.
Girlwonder: Although the category itself doesn't excite me, the name does. Feminism and misogyny.
Batman's Robyn: Is this the part where we go back to Jezebel?
Girlwonder: I think it's time to go Jezzie for a minute.
Batman's Robyn: Let's do it. I'm sure everyone can handle it.
Girlwonder: These guys? They're an enlightened bunch. And, for the most part, I mean that at least a little sincerely.
Batman's Robyn: I'd be inclined to agree.
Girlwonder: Tangentially related: any time I read a "heh, let's crosspost this on Jezebel" comment on DS, it makes me stabby. How clever.
Batman's Robyn: The thing that really got me going was when Marchman shut down the rape jokes and everyone started saying the Jez writers were moderating. Like. Ugh. Go back to whatever hole you crawled out of.
Girlwonder: Leaving aside that I think rape jokes are in fact really different than any other kind of, for lack of a better term, shock jokes, how obvious was it that some of those guys were just really dying to make jokes about rape? And not funny rape jokes either.
Batman's Robyn: Well they did make them.
Girlwonder: And I'm back! Was in the kitchen, where god intended us to be. I think we were talkin' bout rape?
Batman's Robyn: Always talkin' bout rape. It's a Jezzie thing
Girlwonder: Well, let's face it. Rape is an issue. But back to the boobphemisms in the Feminism and Misogyny category.
Batman's Robyn: They're all pretty boring and standard. "You're preggers" makes me nervous. Kids freak me out.
Girlwonder: More importantly, I don't find any of them to be particularly feminist or misogynist.
Batman's Robyn: No, they're more just general descriptors. I do feel like it's worth noting that I just took my Victoria's Secrets out of their holster and everything just got awesome.
Girlwonder: Guys who are reading this: there is no better feeling in the world than that of taking off your bra after a long day. I literally sigh every time I do it.
Batman's Robyn: Some would argue that Gold Bond after a shower feels equally good. Those people would be wrong.
Girlwonder: Yeah, if your balls were holstered with metal underwire, you might have an argument.
Batman's Robyn: Compression shorts: NOT the same.
Girlwonder: No, I wish I could just walk around in a compression tank all day.
Batman's Robyn: Food stuffs has got to be my favorite so far.
Girlwonder: Yes, food is a good one. Makes me want fruit salad, though.
Batman's Robyn: The ones that aren't fruit are the best.
Girlwonder: I concur. Ok, chipwiches are my second favorite boobphemism that I made up.
Batman's Robyn: I'll 100% accept chipwiches because they're fucking amazing.
Girlwonder: They are really good, aren't they? They may be my second favorite ice cream novelty.
Batman's Robyn: They're not a novelty in my world. They're the only way to properly make an ice cream sandwich.
Girlwonder: All the other ice cream sandwiches (and yes, they are sandwiches, fuckers) can GTFO. Wait, that's not true. I had a lemon ice cream ginger cookie sandwich once that was fucking amazing.
Batman's Robyn: I'm surprised we didn't get "sprinkles" in there anywhere.
Girlwonder: Sprinkles doesn't really work for me. Maybe if I had many more boobs.
Batman's Robyn: Jimmies, then. Wait, we seriously didn't get two-scoop sundae in there at all? That's tragic.
Girlwonder: Double scoop cones. Ice cream is a rich breeding ground for boobphemisms.
Batman's Robyn: Ice cream is a rich breeding ground for all the sex things.
Girlwonder: Ok, can we talk about brown suckies for a minute?
Batman's Robyn: Yes. I think that was mine, right?
Girlwonder: Explain your thought process. Show your work.
Batman's Robyn: Okay. I think I might have meant to say suckers. Because as all of this was happening, I stumbled upon a bag full of candy that my sorority little had given me a while back. In that bag was a Tootsie Roll Pop and, I don't know, I had boobs on the brain, and I thought to myself that it kind of looked like an areola in the right light. I don't know about you, but I, for one, am totally on board with any suckage that happens to occur in and around the boob area. It's a stretch, I know
Girlwonder: No, it all makes sense now. And no objection to the boob suckage. Shall we move on to foreign/exotic?
Batman's Robyn: Pagoda bangers is an odd one. I have no idea where I came up with it.
Girlwonder: It is an odd one. Some might say nonsensical.
Batman's Robyn: Yet somewhat exotic, evoking images of Thai prostitutes.
Girlwonder: Interesting, interesting [scribbles in notebook]. When I think of Thai prostitutes, I don't think of pagodas. I think of ping pong balls shooting out a vagina. And sex trafficking. Womp womp.
Batman's Robyn: Well yes, but those things are not really the sensuous objectification I was going for.
Girlwonder: I wonder if anyone is actually turned on by the whole ping pong ball thing. People! Amirite?
Batman's Robyn: I just always assumed it was a curiosity.
Girlwonder: So, I like muchachas. It's literally "girls," which is totally played out as a boobphemism, but with a kicky twist.
Batman's Robyn: Umlauts is funky too. Unexpected and fresh.
Girlwonder: This is a strong category.
Girlwonder: Moving on!
Batman's Robyn: Geography is also strong. Although Kilimanjaros makes me think of an unsurmountable challenge, and I don't know that I want my boobs to be unconquerable.
Girlwonder: Frankly, all this comparison to mountains is a bit foreign to me.
Batman's Robyn: The mountain thing is just very. Aggressive. Like, rolling hilltops I'll accept, but MOUNTAINS?
Girlwonder: Although this category isn't my favorite, it contains my favorite boobphemism that I created and am gonna trademark because it's gonna be the tits of 2014, mark my words.
Batman's Robyn: Charlie Checkpoints? That shit needs to be nominated for Deadspin Hall of Fame.
Girlwonder: Yes, Charlie Checkpoints™. It needs to be nominated for a real hall of fame.
Batman's Robyn: There's got to be a euphemism hall of fame or something. Urban Dictionary, perhaps?
Girlwonder: No, I'm pretty sure it's gonna end up in the OED.
Batman's Robyn: I'd vote for it.
Girlwonder: Aw, thanks. Sadly, the aggressive mountain thing sets a pretty high standard for expected Charlie Checkpoints™ size.
Batman's Robyn: I'd say Charlie Checkpoints™ would have to be somewhere around a full C, right?
Girlwonder: I would favorite the "full C" if I could. Molehills should be on the list.
Batman's Robyn: Yeah it really should.
Girlwonder: Anthills should be on there. Oh, and bee stings! Though that's back to animalia.
Batman's Robyn: Bee stings is for tiny boobs, isn't it?
Girlwonder: Yes, the ultimate junior high insult! Well, that and "slut."
Girlwonder: Ok, home decor and appliances. I love that this is a title of a category. Appliances. Boobs as appliances, appliances as boobs.
Batman's Robyn: I mean, technically they are the ultimate in home decor. They brighten up every room of the house.
Girlwonder: They are fun to look at!
Batman's Robyn: They serve the same basic function as throw pillows!
Girlwonder: They come in lots of shapes and sizes and colors!
Batman's Robyn: Unfortunately you can't mix and match, I don't think. Not on the same individual piece, at least.
Girlwonder: I like jugs and cans. And rack.
Batman's Robyn: OKAY BUT RACK IS SO TRUE. I can't speak for the small-busted ladies, but my tits are pretty much a shelf. My phone AND the remote to my tv are currently resting atop them
Girlwonder: I once took a belly dancing class and the teacher kept saying "think of your boobs as a shelf". I have no idea what she meant by that but, if my boobs were a shelf, shit would be falling off.
Batman's Robyn: I think the one that really gets me is "ottomans." BOOBS ARE NOT FOR FEETS.
Girlwonder: I can't remember who said ottomans. But, yes, I do not like people resting their feet on my boobs. Not comfortable. Kinda awkward.
Batman's Robyn: I don't think I've ever had anyone try
Girlwonder: Oh, me neither. I am just guessing.
Batman's Robyn: Maybe if you have a foot fetish?
Girlwonder: Yeah, but even with a foot fetish, I think it would be about rubbing the feet with the breasts, not resting the feet on the breasts. I'm sure one of the commentariat can answer this question.
Batman's Robyn: I'm not sure how I'll feel if one of them actually does answer it.
Girlwonder: I'd be ok with it. Everyone has their kink.
Batman's Robyn: Why did "sonograms" make it into this category? Or on the list? I don't understand the logic.
Girlwonder: I'm not sure. Maybe because all lady parts are the same? And ladies get sonograms sometimes? That's all I got.
Batman's Robyn: How drunk were we by the end of this?
Girlwonder: I don't like milk machines. Ladies aren't cows. I think Fidrych threw that in.
Batman's Robyn: Milk machines bugs me, because that's what my stepmom used to call her breast pump
Girlwonder: Yes, the breast pump is a milk machine. The boob is not.
Batman's Robyn: So what would be the alternative? Milk manufacturer?
Girlwonder: Possibly. Milk supplier? Milk dealer!
Batman's Robyn: WINNER. Actually this whole list is weird. Sea Doo? What does that have anything to do with anything??
Girlwonder: Fidrych was responsible for Sea Doos and sonograms. What a weirdo.
Batman's Robyn: Clearly this man is lacking in boob experience
Girlwonder: He may have never even seen boobs before.
Batman's Robyn: That's just a damn shame. They're so aesthetically pleasing.
Girlwonder: Yes, that they are. Shall we move on to literature?
Batman's Robyn: What the fuck is a one-eyed smiley face? That's gotta be Fidrych again.
Girlwonder: Yep. Can we talk about chewies for a minute? First, categorized incorrectly by me. Also, chewies?
Batman's Robyn: I mean. I'm all for biting. Not sure how I feel about chewing, though.
Girlwonder: Well, chewies came from you. And all I can picture is someone gnawing on boobies. Nom nom nom.
Batman's Robyn: I don't know why I said chewies. I imagine my thought process went something like pillows -> marshmallows -> candy -> caramels -> chewies?
Girlwonder: THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.
Batman's Robyn: I THOUGHT SO TOO. But now that I look at it, the mental image it conjures is boob-gnawing...which is kinda fetishy, I guess,
Girlwonder: NOM NOM NOM.
Batman's Robyn: Cannibal-porn. Yum.
Girlwonder: I like Betty Boops. I also like all the duo names.
Batman's Robyn: Thelma & Louise is probably my least favorite of the duos.
Girlwonder: They drove off a cliff! Completely unnecessary.
Batman's Robyn: RIGHT? It's like the kind of thing I would use if I got breast cancer and had to get a mastectomy or something. Actually that's a great idea. Remind me of that if I ever get cancer. (I don't want to get cancer)
Girlwonder: Please don't get cancer of the boobies or of any other part.
Batman's Robyn: I'll try my best. In a non-cancer sense though, Thelma & Louise might be good for post-reduction boobs too, since it's basically driving the extra cup-sizes off a cliff.
Girlwonder: I hated the ending of that movie. Extra cup sizes? What are those? I like the other duos. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Patty and Selma.
Batman's Robyn: Balboas is a pretty good one too. So fun to say.
Girlwonder: I like going to Balboa Park when I go home to San Diego. Now I'm going to think of boobies whenever I go. That's not a bad thing!
Batman's Robyn: On to Miscellaneous?
Girlwonder: Sure. I hate funbags. Don't know why, always have, #sorrynotsorry
Batman's Robyn: It reminds me of Magary. NOT something I want to be thinking of in any relation at all to my boobs
Girlwonder: Somehow, I never put the boob funbag together with the Magary funbag.
Batman's Robyn: The funbag thing immediately stuck out to me, and then it was like funbag = Deadspin, and funbag boobphemism = Deadspin tits. Which I guess technically we are, but still.
Girlwonder: We are all Deadspin tits.
Batman's Robyn: Well that's existential of you.
Girlwonder: Yeah, I'm the Kierkegaard of the tatas.
Batman's Robyn: Your Philosophy minor is showing.
Girlwonder: I kind of like bra buddies. Like they're friends!
Batman's Robyn: My lingerie store sells "bra buddies" that are basically shape-holder things for non-moulded cup bras.
Girlwonder: Duo that we don't have: hammer & sickle. I also kinda like mollies.
Batman's Robyn: Mollies is so friendly!
Girlwonder: It's non-threatening.
Batman's Robyn: And Parabolas is great. When I was in Algebra II we used to make mirror-parabolas on our graphing calculators and then have ONE POINT at the tippy top combined with 80085 we thought we were SO HILARIOUS AND ORIGINAL.
Girlwonder: Parabolas is awesome. The nerd's boob euphemism. Nerdphemism.
Batman's Robyn: Nerdphemism seems like something else. My gut wants to go with "Noobphemism" but that's not even remotely close.
Girlwonder: Maybe some things just can't be portmanteau'd.
Batman's Robyn: Which is one of the great tragedies of our time, really.
Girlwonder: That it is.
Girlwonder: Ok, next category. Onowhateverthefuck.
Batman's Robyn: Yeah fuck spelling that word.
Girlwonder: I had to look that word up.
Batman's Robyn: Your high school english teacher failed you.
Girlwonder: That's a pain in the ass word! But a great category.
Batman's Robyn: YES!
Girlwonder: Clackers. I really like clackers.
Batman's Robyn: I do know that feeling.
Girlwonder: And knockers.
Batman's Robyn: I'm between mazabas and gedoinkers with gedoinkers being the favorite by a slim margin.
Girlwonder: Gedoinkers is great. I also feel like we are missing ahoogas. As in a-hoooooooo-ga.
Batman's Robyn: Ooooooh that's a good one. Although i also feel like that would be a hillbilly college football team's rally cry or something. Like up at Eastern Kentucky State Tech or something (please do not let that be a real school. Also I do love Kentucky).
Girlwonder: I think it comes from the name of the horn that makes that sound. From classic cars.
Batman's Robyn: I think it does too. But it's still a damn great rally cry. You can't argue with it. "Roll Tide!" "Oh yeah, motherfucker? a-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ga".
Girlwonder: I concur. I'm not sure about bronskis. If only because it makes me think of Bronco Nagurski. Nagurskis.
Batman's Robyn: Bronskis is too close to "broski" for me, which is a term I use with embarrassing frequency. I don't like "jobbers" either.
Girlwonder: Yeah, jobbers was one of mine. There was a guy I knew in college who used to refer to surgically enhanced breasts as jobbers.
Batman's Robyn: Not a great general boobphemism, but I can appreciate the specificity.
Girlwonder: I don't like tidbits. Uncomfortably close to "tiddlywinks" which isn't on the list but at one point was a well-known euphemism small boobs.
Batman's Robyn: Really? I've only ever heard "tiddlywinks" used for meaningless children's games. I don't like it either, but that's because I use "ladybits" to refer to my vagina.
Girlwonder: The game pieces in the game tiddlywinks are these little discs. I think that's why they were used for teeny tiny boobies. I use ladybits, too! Or just bits! To refer to my vagina.
Batman's Robyn: Go us! I don't know where I picked it up from, either. OH WELL.
Batman's Robyn: How did weaponry end up a category?
Girlwonder: Hmmm...I'd like to blame it all on Fidrych but I came up with Hindenbergs. Have no idea who came up with grenades. BUT I LIKE GRENADES.
Batman's Robyn: I think grenades was me. I LIKE IT TOO. Like, hey, my tits are so bangin' they're LITERAL EXPLOSIVES.
Girlwonder: My tits may be small but they are WEAPONS OF SEDUCTION.
Batman's Robyn: WE ARE SO EMPOWERED
Batman's Robyn: I also really like areolae mafia. It sounds like a 50s girl gang.
Girlwonder: Or a Bond girl.
Batman's Robyn: Either way, sign me up. Smith & Wesson will be there to back me.
Batman's Robyn is a proud believer in the sanctity of sandwiches. She is a legal adult, a college grad, an aspiring hobo, and probably needs to get a new hobby. She can be found on Twitter talking about sports and terrorism @batmans_robyn
Girlwonder reluctantly lives in our nation's swampy capital. A reformed lawyer, her current career necessitates using a pseudonym when publicly expressing her opinions. And, boy, does she have opinions! A recipient of the prestigious "Best Chick on Twitter, Really" award, she is fucking awesome. Follow her @Girl_wonderX
Both authors would like to extend their thanks to pleather_face for his help in curating this list and coining the term "boobphemism." Fidrych or Die Tryin', however, can go suck a Sea-Doo. They would also like to note that additions and annotations to this list are both welcome and encouraged.