Buying a Goddamn House

Sorry, everyone. It’s been a crazy couple of months here at DJJJW HQ in Cold-Ass Racist Old City, New England. Our third kid is due any day now, my work schedule has been crazy (these cat meatballs won’t make and deliver themselves and also do my taxes for me...yet), and, oh yeah, we’ve been motherfucking house hunting.

We’ve been down this road once before. We used to live in Too Fucking Hot But Surprisingly Less Racist City, The South, and we owned a charming old house down there. I figured the process would be less daunting the second time around. Unfortunately, if you want to live in the Fancy Inner Suburbs of Cold-Ass Racist Old City, New England, you need to be prepared to fight off 1000 other jackasses who want exactly the same thing.

Now, we can’t stay in Cold-Ass Racist Old City, New England, because Cold-Ass Racist Old City’s public schools are shit, and I’m not putting three kids through Racist Private School. However, when people move out to the Fancy Inner Suburbs, they stay in the same goddamn house until they’re dead, apparently, so there is no inventory of houses to buy, because these people are living too fucking long, so get your goddamn ass in gear, radon.

We eventually settled on a strategy of identifying houses that looked like they were being undersold - poor quality pictures posted on the MLS, no shiny kitchen remodel, and an open house scheduled for the same time as a nearby house that was obviously going to be a hot property. There weren’t many places that actually fit these criteria, but we found our mark after a couple of weeks and got it under contract.

As a buyer in the Fancy Inner Suburbs of Cold-Ass Racist Old City, New England, you’re not in a strong negotiating position, so it’s important to take solace in small victories. For example, we demanded that the sellers turn off the lights when they move out and and leave behind all of their filthy litter boxes. Fucking owned.

Anyway, I've missed the charming ne'er-do-wells here at Deadsidespin, or Catspin or Deadcatspin or whatever they call this place. Here's hoping that, after the baby's here and we move to the new place and the (lead-containing) dust has settled, I'll be spending all of my quality time with you folks.