Children's Texts Out of Context is a reoccurring feature on Sidespin where we examine children's literature. Sometimes it will be a quote taken from a book presented without comment or sometimes it will be a screed on the logistics of a particular novel. Today: Guess How Much I Love You.

  • Who the hell is "Big Nut Brown Hair" (BNBH)? Are we to assume, foolishly, that BNBH is merely Little Nut Brown Hair's (LNBH) father?
  • Or, is he a furry Jerry Sandusky, waiting to pounce on little LNBH's nubile body after slipping him some GHB? Ever notice how quickly LNBH becomes tired? Does that happen to any kid of yours, ever?
  • If BNBH is LNBH's father, what kind of domineering presence does he play in LNBH's life? His constant one-upsmanship clearly denotes a lack of self-confidence and or a small penis (which is noticeably absent from the illustrations, I might add). I imagine this is what it's like growing up at Marshall Henderson's house. This fuckturd even waits until the kid is asleep to get the last goddamn laugh. What a colossal asshole that guy is.
  • Where is LNBH's mother? Did BNBH kill her and her close friend Ronald Carrotman and was sent to sham trial for their murder only to have been found not guilty even though everyone knows he did it and instead of writing a book about the "real" killers he composed this stupid ass book? Is she a fat whore, absent in LNBH's life and nursing at the teet of Rabbitcaid because she keeps squirting out little baby rabbits?