The nemesis

Let’s face it. There’s only one thing stopping you - yes, YOU - from getting off the couch and going for a jog. And it’s nipple chafing.

Actually you’re still waiting for Chinese food delivery. So 2 things. Oh, and you’re drunk. Whatever. This deals with the first one.

The nemesis, nipple chafing (or “fissure of the nipple”), impacts both men and women, old and young, and while I would say it doesn’t discriminate on the basis of race, I personally have only been one race so I can’t say that with the personal authority (or lack of bigotry) I strive for as a professional. Chafing has been around since the advent of the shirt, so probably, like, 5000 years give or take. You sweat, or get rained on, or do some heavy exercise in humidity worse than the taint of satan after a soak in the hot tub before your cotton AND1 shirt turns into sandpaper and erodes the precious tiny bit of skin on your vestigial nipple. This causes months worth of agony every time you put on your Life is Good shirt. Ugh. But you already know this, or you wouldn’t be reading this guide. Here’s how to avoid chafing.

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First, you’ll want to cover the nipple before exercising. You might recognize this strategy from the character “Andy” of The Office, where he taped some gauze over his nipple before a “charity” run. What a stupid thing to do. Instead of the nipple rubbing against the shirt, NOW it rubs against the gauze; gauze which may as well be razor blades. Have you ever touched gauze? Does it sound comfortable? It does not. But it was a very in-character (bad) decision.

So. To cover your nipple, you’ll want to use at least two layers of tape. “But wait” you’re saying, “how do I make sure the tape won’t fall off?” Simple! Wrap the tape the entire way around your body. A good start! “Oh but there’s so many tapes out there.” True, but there is only one tape that has both the waterproof capabilities, slippery surface, and width to adequately protect nipples: duct tape! “Oh but the tape won’t stick because of my MANLY CHEST HAIR” OK great shave it dumbass. Just the band where the tape goes. What, you want to shave your whole chest? Do you enjoy looking like an 11 year old? This is Adiquate MAN, not Adiquate BOY.

Great. So now you have two full circles of duct tape around the band of your torso where you just shaved - but just the band, NOT the whole chest. You might think you can stop here, but you’d be wrong. There’s only one way to make sure nothing rubs the tape, and it’s paper Dixie cups. And good news: this part you can improvise! What’s important is: the cups are well-secured, and they are CENTERED over your nipples. That’s not too bad, so you won’t screw this part up. Don’t worry. But if you did, it would literally rip off your nipple. So be careful. But also: don’t worry about screwing it up. Because you won’t. And if if you run into passers-by and don’t feel like explaining, just say it’s a long-term statistical analysis on gender perception for your masters thesis and you will never talk to that person again.

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Duct tape protective band in place? Yep. Dixie cups in place? Oh yeah. Guess what?

You’re ready to hit the road.