An occasional feature highlighting the wackiest conversations found in the wild unregulated hinterland of Deadspin's Pending Submissions.

Today's DOI is from the Impenetrable Bruins post. You know those crazy, crazy hockey fans!

Meet CF289, a convenient representative of all burner-kind. Feel the earnestness!

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The Blackhawks look as punchless as the Canucks in the Finals? What does this even mean? The Blackhawks have been outscored by a total of 2 goals this series. Punchless! The Canucks took the Finals to 7 games when they played Boston. Punchless!

Deadspin really shouldn't try to talk abou hockey. Today 9:33am

That last line is great. Substitute just about any other sport in there for hockey and you've pretty much covered everything that has ever been said by a burner on Deadspin.

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What follows, of course, is a bunch of stuff no one in their right mind cares about. Here's StuStuStuStu:

Yadda yadda yadda boxscore yadda yadda. The Hawks yadda yadda yadda statistics: faceoffs, blocks, shots, yaddas, saves and yadda-yaddas. Frankly, yadda yadda yadda Bruins yadda yadda, yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda.

Since the first yadda, the Hawks yadda yadda goal, in yadda yadda playing time. If yadda isn't punchless, yadda yadda what is? 0 yaddas? Today 10:08am

What is punchless, indeed.

And here's luckymc44 with more of the same:

Yes, the Blackhawks rooty toot root toot. I'm a Hawks rooty-toot, and I can say root rooty-toot root root. If this article were just rooty rooty rooty toot, I'd be all root-toot. But to try and rooty toot toot toot rooty root toot toot. Both of the first games were rooty-toot rooty-toot (taken on the whole), and rooty-toot Chicago rooty-toot tooty-toot root-toot "punchless", nor does it make Boston "rooty-toot-able". Most hockey fans rooty-toot root toot rooty-root. Making this kind of root after one root-toot is just rooty.Today 10:36am

And, since there's apparently more to say on the topic, here's BeastMoe with more cutting commentary:

I think Barry's channeling Bill Simmons, who has been oddly quiet about his beloved Bruins.

Blah blah Hossa but blah blah blah Blackhawks blah blah playoffs. He's tied for total blahs with three blah blah blahs, blah Sharp blah Bickell blah blah blah goals. I'm hoping blah blah-blah blah blah, but I'm not blah blah blah blah-blah blah blah blah blah To be fair, blah, Chicago's blah-blah blah blah Hossa. But I blah blah blah blah blah Boston is blah blah horrible call.Today 11:22am

Don't take no shit off nobody, StuStuStuStu! Come back on 'em!

I'm not a Bruins fan, but oh Christ shut the fuck up. Somebody bring the action to this goddamn thing already. luckymc44? Spice it up a bit, will you?

You can't just conveniently leave out the first game in order to make your point.

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Needs more exclamations points! SPIT FIYAH! AAAAAAHHH SOMEBODY PUNCH SOMEONE!!!!!

5 goals in three games isn't "punchless". I don't see how bringing the regular season goals in is words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words.

I think Boston is being given too much words words words words words words words words. The Pens fucking blew in the words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words.Today 11:47am

Enter Mdubbs, an important player in the rest of this conversation:

Why would you talk about a team that got destroyed in the playoffs over the team that beat them and is now playing in the finals?

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Also five goals in three games (practically four) is a 1.3 gpg average. Doesnt sound quite like a scoring machine. Four of those goals also came in just one game with an entire game between goals 3 and 4 Today 1:00pm

Even without proper context, this reply tells you everything you need to know about how this conversation has developed. 1.3 gpg does not qualify as a scoring machine! 1.3 gpg does not qualify as punchless! You're wrong! No, YOU'RE wrong!

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Still, our guy Mdubbs has introduced an element of hostility. Now, watch the insidious influence!

What? Your question doesn't even make sense.

Nya-HA!

I'm talking about the Blackhawks, the Bruins, and because it's directly related to the point I'm making, the Pens.

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Italics indicate emphasis (not mine) - a raising of the voice, or a frustratedly staccato delivery. Tension is building!

And I didn't say they were a scoring machine. I said it didn't make them "punchless".Today 1:03pm

An important detail, I'm sure. But see how the discussion is now an argument: who said what! And when! And what did it mean!

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And now, we approach the moment where this conversation leaves the late night AOL hockey chat-room and enters . . . The Twilight Zone. Mdubbs?

"The Pens fucking blew in the words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words"

He's recapping now. That was the line of stuff that precipitated this question:

Why would anyone talk about the losing team over the team that dominated them and is heading the finals?

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Which he is now defending as making sense. But none of that is important, because here's what happens next:

A 1.3 gpg isnt a good omen if the team is "throwing all its punches" at the opponent.

Uh huh.

Thats like the guy who "knocked down" floyd mayweather bragging about it. He didnt do anything but get hit and got lucky mayweather broke his hand.

Keep going . . .

Maybe if youre lucky something like that will happen to the bruins.

And . . .

Floyd still won that fight though so that doesnt bode well for your argument Today 2:03pm

. . .

I . . . love this. I love it.

Honey, asserting that it's my turn to wash the dishes without presenting me with a signed and notarized binding contract to that effect is like the Wicked Witch of the West demanding the ruby slippers be given to her after they've been rightfully taken by Dorothy. And since she was melted to death by a bucket of water thrown by a young girl at a burning scarecrow, I think we can both agree that you'll be dead soon.

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Kudos to luckymc44 for seeing right past and over this absurdity and getting right back to the all-important distinction between "punchless" and "scoring machine" and whether a 1.3 gigawatts . . . better to let him explain:

If you want to talk about Boston's stellar defense, you have to look at the quality of the team(s) they're playing defense against. So, in talking about Boston's amazing defense, no goddammit nevermind. I demand more meaningless comparisons from Mdubbs!

Crosby, malkin, a combined zero points

thats would be like if the spurs held lebron and dwade to a 5 ppg average.

Defense has nothing to do with it though apparently Today 3:07pm

That's more like it! This one thing over here would be like this other thing over there in a way that really has no value at all to our conversation!

Bring us home, luckymc44:

Yes, that's exactly what I said. Good reading comprehension! Today 3:11pm

Wait, what?