“Hey, Idiot” is a new Gawrker Lifehack column that aims to dispense practical advice to the fucking clueless, specifically all you goddamned millennials who have no idea how the Earth managed to spin on its own axis before you graced us with your presence.
Hey, idiot. The standard paper tray for your typical office printer will in fact hold an entire ream of paper!!!! Do you really think that some hardworking, underpaid industrial design engineer that is burdened with a crippling amount of student debt and didn’t end up with that dream job at Apple and had to settle for working at the U.S. subsidiary for Brother Industries, Ltd. really would spec a paper tray that can’t accommodate the international standard unit for paper? Or do you, my dear, special flower, think that you have some sort of precious insight as to the exact amount of paper that you feel is necessary to pull out of a fresh pack of 20lb, 8.5” X 11” bright white stock to sufficiently fill the empty tray that has thrown a metaphorical wrench in your perfect little day. The only possible benefit of a Trump administration is that we’ll finally be able to hunt you for sport.
And holy shit, what’s with delicate opening procedures that you have for new reams of paper? Based on the ample evidence that you leave at the scene, you must think it’s a gift from your college roommate that spent a semester in Japan learning about its intricate wrapping culture and will scold you for not opening gifts politely. Here’s how it’s done: take the ream, hold it lengthwise and crack it over your knee. That’s it. Good lord, do we have to do everything for you?