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Russian tennis player Daniil Medvedev was fined $14,500 Thursday for his actions during and after his second-round Wimbledon loss to Ruben Bemelmans. Medvedev threw coins at the chair umpire at one point. It was kind of funny.

It also got me thinking, I could really use some cash.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a decent job (and a part-time one, America 2017!) and my quality of life is pretty ok. But I’ve also got some credit card debt. Quite a bit of credit card debt. Some of it is because of circumstances outside of my control, a lot of it is because of youthful stupidity. Bottom line: if someone were to give me like $10,000 I would be in a tremendously good mood.


You’re probably sitting there saying to yourself, “Well fuck this guy, he doesn’t deserve my money.” You’re right! I don’t!

But neither does the International Tennis Federation. The NFL certainly doesn’t need it either. MLB might say it does, but come on, they don’t either.

And they’ll say they’re giving it to charity, but they were gonna give that money to charity and then write it off anyways! You’re just padding bonus checks for Goodell and his cronies!


I’ve never received a bonus check in my entire life. I worked at Walmart to pay my tuition at a state school in the middle of nowhere. I sold my shitty car to pay for the deposit on my shitty apartment when I pulled a millennial and followed my dreams to a big city.

So next time you want to spit on a ref, or cross-check some asshole on another team way too hard, think of me. I know it’s easy to get caught up in emotion during the heat of competition. I once got thrown out of an intramural basketball game for cussing out an opposing player and I still yell at my TV sometimes when I watch my favorite baseball team.

But man I could really use some money! So please, instead of getting fined, just cut me a check instead. Please.

If you really want to do this just put your email in the comments. I’m looking at you, literally every NBA player who’s hit free agency over the past two summers.

I also think Phil Kessel might be down to do this.

(NOTE: I was going to actually set up a GoFundMe for this, but have you ever actually looked at GoFundMe’s website? Like half the funds on there are to help parents pay for their kids’ funerals. It’s awful. So I figured that would be in poor taste. I would still gladly accept your money though. 10 g’s would be perfect. Thanks)