We all recognize that legal sanction of so-called homosexual "marriage" creates families-as-sociological-experiments for the sake of indulging aberrant adult sexual desires, and pushes the institution of marriage— and polite, Christian society— headlong down a slippery, inevitable figurative slope to group unions, human-animal pairings, and pervasive, pernicious-if-fiercely-stylish moral decay. This much is unmistakably, indisputably true.

Still... even a cursory, distracted-7-or-8-second, kitchen-cleaner-fume-addled look at yesterday's arguments before the Supreme Court and the reactions they engendered in American culture at large make it obvious: it's going to happen sooner rather than later, girlfriend. It behooves the right-minded citizen, then, to look forward rather than back, as countless non-homosexual threats to our moral fiber loom before us, and the organized Gayry have the rear part covered nicely. [Don't laugh at that. That was cheap. And this is serious. -Ed.]

So, what are these new threats to marriage? And, more importantly, which of those threats is more Now™?

Well, here it is. Right here.

Well, okay, hold on. It's almost done.

Just a few lines more. Keep your pants on— what are you, a gay homosexual at a gay homosexual pantsless party? Just wait a little bit longer, for the sake of the risen and weirdly-non-bloody-or-otherwise-facially-fucked-up Christ. [That IS weird, I've always thought. Ah, well— Easter being Easter. -Ed.]

RANKING THE NEXT GREAT THREATS TO MARRIAGE (with nature of threat):

30. Work (Emotional)

29. Working It (Emotional, But With Some Krumping)

28. Extramarital sex (Emotional; Sexual)

27. Extra marital sex, so your husband/wife gets suspicious (Emotional)

26. Sex in the media (Emotional; Sexual)

25. Sex in a swing (Physical-Cramping)

24. Sex in the locker room hamper with towel boy (Emotional; Sexual; Financial)

23. Sex in a young Olivia Newton-John (Physical; Physical)

22. Cholesterol (Physical)

21. Cholesterol sculpted into boomin' hoots (Physical; Sexual)

20. Cholesterol sculpted into boomin' hoots that turn into boob-guns (Physical; Sexual; Messing With Your Ability To Enjoy Pancakes)

19. Guy With Switchblade (Physical)

18. Guy With Switchblade and Knowledge Of My Wife's Weakness For Timothy Olyphant and Meltaway Truffles (Oh, Fuck ME)

17. Boredom (Emotional)

16. The Boredoms (Emotional; Noisy; Japanese)

15. Boric Acid (Ye-owch!)

14. Young, knife-wielding Glenn Close (Sexual; Physical)

13. Old, cigar-chomping and AR-15-wielding Glenn Close (Physical)

12. Old, cigar-chomping and cigar-ash-and-pork-meatloaf-wielding Glenn Close (Emotional, Mommy?)

11. Mystery (Mysterious)

10. Wolves (Physical)

9. Mysterious Wolves (Physical; Psychic— +15 Damage)

8. Getting The Wrong Brand of Lettuce/The Wrong Peanut Butter (Emotional)

7. Getting Foxy Lettuce/Peanut Butter That's So Very Wrong (Sexual)

6. Relying On Passionate Feelings Rather Than Commitment (Emotional, You Queeroid)

5. Letting Your Heart Wander (Emotional)

4. Letting Your Heart Wander Into Another Vagina (Emotional; Sexual; Very Heavy Metal)

3. "Virtual-Reality Sex, Or That Skyping Shit" (As Per Crusty Sonny Who Lives Upstairs)

2. "Virtual Insanity" (Rhythmic; Apparently Sexual At One Point)

1. FOOTBAL!!!1 (Am I Right, Ladies?)