I love to not get hired. It’s my passion. Whereas some people may work jobs they truly enjoy, and others work jobs they may hate for a long time, I prefer submitting applications that will ultimately be rejected, and then putting the meat of the content on a website later, for free.

So, here is my unsuccessful application for a Someecards contributor position, a prompt that required 10-15 very specific gags in the Someecards format (which I will not post because I don’t know maybe that would make them mad or something, and they were nice). This is not what I would say necessarily is my strongest style, but there’s enough humor there to make it worth posting and embarrassing myself over. To the gags!

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  1. Condolences to all the government employees just now finding out the Pope doesn’t sell indulgences anymore
  2. Happy trails to the cool Pope who as it turns out is exactly as cool as most 80 year olds
  3. Here’s to to my ex-wife the original Pizza Rat
  4. My favorite thing about fall is when my coworkers stop complaining about the heat and start complaining about the cold
  5. Thanks in advance to my children who are too young to know which Halloween candies are the good ones
  6. Happy Halloween to the costume store in the crappy mall
  7. Here’s to pumpkin spice vodka, the drink everyone is going to pretend to hate this year
  8. May you enjoy explaining your computer job to your family over Thanksgiving dinner as much as you loved going through airport security at 5AM
  9. Merry Christmas to the old creep who grows a Santa beard all year long so he can look good for pictures with your kids
  10. Let’s hear it for eggnog, everyone’s least favorite way to get plastered
  11. Merry Christmas to those huge ribbons rich people put on their gift cars for no reason
  12. Let’s all gather round to sing Baby It’s Cold Outside, the first ransom note with a melody
  13. Merry Christmas to fruitcake, the garbage dessert of the past

Image of greeting cards via Ardenn from Wikipedia