Hi, I'm Alton Brown's Balls, you may remember me from a brief stint as a mod in the BYOB somethingawful forum or possibly from a few times I got Autopost privileges in the KSK MNF liveblog. In any case I've decided to do a running commentary of part of the back to the future trilogy since my family is out of town and I'm bored as shit.

This live-to-tape blog is picking up near the end of the first Back to the Future since I only got sufficiently drunk at that point to think it was a good idea. We begin where Marty is playing Johnny B. Goode on stage at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance:

Advertisement

1:28: Why does that girl at the dance think it would be a good idea for a super-unpopular nerd to run for class president just because he sucker punched the school bully? Apparently it was much easier to climb the social ladder in 1955.

1:31: I'm sure the living room rug fire comment freaked his parents' the fuck out when Marty did it 22 years later...oh, also the fact that some kid who briefly interfered in their lives looks exactly like their son at 18 years old. They had to know right? On some level? This has bothered me for years.

1:32: I should mention I'm watching this with the pop-up video style tidbits on DVD so perhaps I'll sprinkle those in if something interesting comes up.

Advertisement

1:34: I almost had a complaint that Doc rips up the letter from Marty about being shot but the pop-up video helpfully pointed out that he puts the pieces back in his coat. Thanks, pop-up video! (PUV from now on)

1:37: Marty has a fucking time machine but only goes back ten minutes early...to save his friend from being shot by terrorists...Marty is a bad friend.

1:38: PUV tells me that this scene where the cable is attached and falling off of Doc's pants is an homage to a Harold Lloyd scene from the 20s. This only reminds me of Zoidberg's Uncle in that one episode of Futurama. Thanks, PUV!

1:40: Hill Valley is dead for it only being 10:04. No cars, no pedestrians. You'd think with the dance letting out there'd be more youth out and about. Or have they all fled from the impending storm? This town is as dead as a fake street on the Universal lot after hours.

1:42: I miss the homeless-drunk-bum stock character; oh for the days when alcoholism was something to be celebrated as funny instead of a crippling disease that leads so many of this world to drink themselves to an early grave.

1:44: PUV informs me that JC-Penney is no longer a retail anchor at the Puente Hills mall where this scene was filmed. And to think I was just about to head to Puente Hills to pick up some Arizona brand jeans. Thanks, PUV!

1:45: Why does Doc only want to go 30 years into the future? He wants to see beyond his years and 30 years is the first stop? Nothing fucking happens in 30 years. If I got in a time machine in 1983 and jumped to now I'd be super pissed that things were basically the same outside of the internet and cell phones. The present doesn't seems future-y at all given the year. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FLYING CAR AND SEX-BOT?

Advertisement

1:47: If Marty's brother Dave has a successful office job, why is he still living at home? Also based on his reaction to Marty saying the car is wrecked he doesn't even have his own car. He must be a terrible salesman of some type right? That's the only job where you could conceivably have to wear a suit and still make no money. That or assistant basketball coach at a junior college.

1:49: Since this scene is in both movies, I'll see you for Back to the Future II.

Back to the Future II: The Futuring

0:02: Oh look Jennifer is Elizabeth Shue and Marty is in his mid-20s, just like where we left off!

Advertisement

0:03: I wish movies still had unnecessary long credit sequences at the beginning, the PUV tells me that this stock cloud footage is from some shitty Clint Eastwood movie made in 1983. Thanks, PUV!

0:06: Goldie Wilson Jr. is now Mayor, you'd think by the future...uh that is, 2 years from now...nepotism would be gone. Let's work on that, gang.

0:09: Correct prediction alert: misplaced 80s nostalgia.

0:09: And yet so many places they got the future hilariously wrong. Print newspapers!? Those won't exist in 2015!

Advertisement

0:13: I once helped my then-fiancee' do a product placement count on the Back to the Future movies for an advertising class. It contained more line items than this live blog will. Pepsi and the Yum! (exclamation point!) Brands featured prominently.

0:21: Little known fact, Stephen Hawking did extensive voice over work for the future portion of this movie.

Advertisement

0:24: How can a book that thin contain the results of all sporting events, including college, for 50 years? My brother once had an almanac that covered like 5 years and it looked like a goddamn phone book.

0:24: I noticed this liveblog contains a lot of questions. I get inquisitive and incredulous when I'm drunk.

0:28: Michael J. Fox as a woman is disturbing, so is not-Crispin Glover as Crispin Glover as George McFly. I'm glad Zemeckis got sued.

0:30: The cab driver has a parrot. That is all.

0:31: Correct prediction alert 2: flat panel TVs. If this was Grantland this would be a footnote.

Advertisement

0:34: Correct prediction alert 3: Video phone, if you count Skype, or that thing in the 90s where Nick video phoned people live one summer. That was badass.

0:35: On a fucking roll! Correct prediction alert 4: Asia ultimately owning all of our businesses.

0:36: And the streak ends with a fax machine that prints out in dot-matrix. It was fun while it lasted wasn't it? Just like the Blackhawks! (Note: I would have referenced the Heat's win streak here but they won't fucking lose. Lebron James is a cocksucker.)

0:38: Nice foreshadowing with the old west remark, Doc. Can you pull out a toy train while you're at it? And a blacksmith's forge?

Advertisement

0:40: Why does the family living in dystopian Lyon estates have to be black? THASS (80s) RAYCESS!

0:44: Gambling is legal in California at 18, yet Biff waited til his 21st birthday to clean up at the track. Biff is still waiting for those two marshmallows. /obscure joke

0:50: Loraine Baines-McFly-Tannen is suffering from battered woman syndrome, that's not funny.

Advertisement

0:53: The chalkboard scene is less for Marty and more for the stupidest members of the audience; it couldn't be more on the nose. “Please folks, don't attempt to decipher this story. We'll spell out even the most obvious plot points directly.” This is the anti-Lost.

0:58: Biff has a bunch of razor blades on his desk, somebody liked the booger sugar.

1:01: Between George's single punch and the Delorian door Biff gets knocked out pretty easily for a bully. Troy Aikman wants to know his secret.

Advertisement

1:07: I went back over this and realized there was a big time gap here so I added some words. Words, words, words, words, words.

1:16: I never understood the idea behind spiking the punch. Isn't that just a waste since you're putting a pint of booze into like 3 gallons of punch? You'd get drunker off O'Douls.

1:21: The dust jacket gets thrown away in Strickland's office yet future Biff still has it in the safe earlier in the movie. Are we to believe this is some sort of, huh, magic dust jacket? I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

Advertisement

1:23: Aaaannd another single punch KO via second-Marty. Given his propensity for concussions there is no way old Biff would have the mental faculties to steal the time machine and devise the plan to give Gray's Sports Almanac to his younger self. In fact he'd have probably offed himself years before 2015 with a shotgun blast to the chest.

1:25: “I think he took his wallet” guy is the best.

1:29: So much head trauma in this movie.

1:31: TCU was just referred to on Biff's radio as Texas Christian. Take that, branding!

Advertisement

1:32: PUV tells me the tunnel Biff drives through was the same one used as the entrance to toon town in Who Framed Roger Rabit? That reminded me of Jessica Rabbit, which reminded me to remind myself to masturbate to someone who looks like Jessica Rabbit later. Thanks, PUV!

1:34: Biff just ate shit! /shows self out

1:36: Does any movie franchise say the name of the movie more often than this one? I feel like the phrase “back to the future” has been said way more than necessary. Even Go only said it once.

Advertisement

1:38: The first time I saw the Dr. Who episode “Blink” I was reminded of this scene where someone gets a letter from the past at the exact right moment. Then shit got real. /is now scared of statues

1:40: Jesus Christ, Marty, that paper is 70 years old and probably contains pretty important information, how about not letting it get soaked to shit in the rain?

1:42: A final eponymous title drop. Great scot!

1:43: Done and done. I don't think I can sit through part III. Let's just all agree that the most important part is where Doc's kid Verne starts gesturing wildly at his penis and call it a day.