Photoshop Contest: Brah!S

Today we watched proudly as one of our most esteemed commentariat brothers threw off the shackles of anonymity and danced awkwardly out of the internet closet for all the world to behold. Tired of being ashamed of who he really is, we gazed teary-eyed as he showered the internet with declaration after declaration of unbridled self-exultance: "This is me internet! Love me for who I am, not who you wanted me to be!"

Well, brah, we do. And to show you just how much, we honor you now in the highest way we know how. The Photoshop Contest. You all know the rules: submit your entries in the comments, best one will win some shit from off my desk.[1][2]

Feel free to use the hastily-chopped out image provided above. Good luck, brahs!

[1] Prize is a portion of literal shit that I keep on my desk.
[2] Winner will be determined by me and, in all likelihood, be me. I have a thing about keeping all my shits.

UPDATE (12/5/13): Contest eligibility for the grand prize closes at 8:00 am this morning. Feel free to continue leaving any honorary mention submissions until the day you die sad and alone, forgotten in a low-rent government subsidized eldercare warehouse being drugged into near constant coma and pimped out by minimum wage caretakers to every unwashed trucker with a denture fetish from here to Manitoba. Final results will be posted later today when I goddamn feel like it.

UPDATE (12/5/13): RESULTS! Here they are, the day after the contest just as promised (barring any Kinja glitch causing this update to not publish for several days ... wouldn't put it past this junk heap, right? lol) Just kidding, what're the odds. Anyway, what are we talking about? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... THE RESULTS! Got it.

Before jumping into it, a little primer on the scoring process. I know many of us have been frustrated to the point of impotency before by the arbitrary and unpredictable nature of the Eight-Letter's contest scoring procedure. Reliable statistic estimates based on math indicate that approximately 20% of their contests are never even followed up on for judging, so what kind of bitch-ass dumphole is gonna argue that the process I've developed - beginning with actually at least judging it at some point - isn't at least better than that? An ungrateful bitch-ass dumphole with limited perspective. That's what kind.

The next part of the process is evaluating each submission using a comprehensive and psychometrically validated scoring rubric, designed to eliminate any possibility of user error. Step 1: I'm the only one who can use it, possibility eliminated.

For the sake of complete transparency though, below is a simplified overview of the rubric scoring categories.

  • Section 1: Did entrant submit an entry? (Yes = +1 pt., No = +5 pts.)
  • Section 2: Is entrant Sonar Jose? (Yes = +100 pts.)
  • Section 3: Is entrant Same Sad Echo? (Yes = -50 pts.)
  • Section 4: Is entrant a burner? (Yes = -49 pts.)
  • Section 5: Has entrant demonstrated a sufficient appreciation of rubrics? (Yes = +1 pt., No = +1 pt.)
  • Section 6: Did entrant submit supplemental Vine video in support of his/her application? (Yes = +100 pts., No = -100 pts.)
  • Section 7: (refer to Section 6) Was Vine video Playmobil-based? (Yes = -200pts., No = no change)
  • Section 8: Does entrant live in Section 8 housing? (Yes = no change, that's illegal, buddy, No = +100 pts.)
  • Section 9: Did entrant ask nicely to win (inc. saying 'Please'): (Yes = +1,000 pts., No = smh)
  • Section 10: 75,000 potential bonus pts. (judge's discretion, non-disclosable)

Pretty airtight shit. So, without further ado ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... the results!

Results:

Disqualified: Same Sad Echo (harassing an official), Snoop-a-loop (late submission)

Fifth place - Grungebanjo: I don't know ... 50 pts? Excellent submissions. Points deducted for lobbying me too much on Twitter.

Fourth place - Rubdirtinittakealap: Pretty funny, let's say 51 pts. Points deducted for not lobbying me enough on Twitter.

Third place - The Amazing Sneijderman: Buncha points, good number of points. Miley Cyrus is so in these days.

Second place - Sonar Jose: 100,000 pts. That shit was dope, all the chicks who read Sidespin agree.

First place - Freeman McNeil: 100,000.000001 pts. He asked nicely. He said please. I hope you all learned a lesson.