Both Marshawn Lynch's silent treatment and the Patriots' Deflategate scandal are ruining football and corrupting America's youth. But which is worse? Keep these points in mind as you decide:

MARSHAWN LYNCH

  • Petulant millionaire crybaby wuss lazy bum coward who runs over 275 lb. professional strongmen who want to murder him for a living
  • "Beast Mode" nickname a huge turn-on for my wife
  • Regularly deprives world of incisive commentary only available from men trained from adolescence to play a game that ruins your brain
  • Preparing to integrate with Richard Sherman to become The Chaos Paradox Thug
  • Dickgrab move makes me realize how much bigger my wife probably thinks his dick is than mine
  • Strong, silent type, just like John Wayne, except it's a bad thing. I wonder why that is
  • Doesn't always put the seat down
  • Vince Wilfork heard about his nice grill and he doesn't want to tackle him and he would rather just be friends and hang out
  • Seriously, can he stop doing the dickgrab move, my wife is visibly horny
  • Last name too on-the-nose for Boston media
  • Beloved by coach Pete Carroll, even though "he may have done 9/11, I mean who can really say for sure"

DEFLATEGATE

  • It made the balls have less air in them
  • Worst league scandal since the economy-crippling corporate welfare every single team receives every day
  • Patriots forced to play next game with balls inflated until they explode
  • Tarnished the otherwise sterling reputation of the NFL
  • Saved ESPN from talking about actual sports
  • The footballs. They didn't have as much air
  • Desecrated the memory of noble pigs who dreamed of becoming footballs, "fully-inflated, just like my pa"
  • Air let out of balls affected atmospheric pressure, causing game-time temperature to rise 0.000000000000000000001 degrees Celsius
  • Forces Roger Goodell to perform the highly complex, rigorously codified, arcane art of issuing a just and fair punishment, as always
  • Caused a visibly distressed Rob Gronkowski to lament that "they're not meat all the way through"