NOOOO

Last month sometime, I applied for The Onion’s Editorial Fellowship. It sounded a lot like a standard internship, but paid, and with a real chance to contribute to the site. It was also located in Chicago, a city where I do not and will not ever live, but I was operating under the assumption that the 10 headline gags I submitted would be so funny - so damned funny - that they’d have no choice but to make an exception.

They were not.

So here, in some order, are the Top 10 Ways To Not Get Hired By The Onion (By Submitting These Jokes):

  1. OPINION: If Recycling Is So Great, Why Don’t You Marry It?
  2. Radio Shack Staves Off Bankruptcy By Refusing Gay Customers
  3. Marvel Reveals Highly Anticipated Phase Four In Rambling Soliloquy As Entertainment Press Dangles Over Active Volcano
  4. New Study: “Hey Man, You Never Know”
  5. Area Mom Likes This Commercial
  6. Dog Gets Into God Damn Garbage Again
  7. Toddler Pretty Clearly Humming Eminem’s “Stan” In The Bathroom
  8. “Most Planes Barely Crash,” Friend Comforts
  9. If You’ve Got a Problem With Me Swinging This Battle Axe Around In The Kroger Parking Lot, Well, Maybe You’re Not As Liberal As You Thought
  10. Missing Dog Definitely Dead

And because you asked for it, here are 5 More Ways To Not Get Hired By The Onion (By Skipping These Jokes In Favor Of The 10 Other Jokes)

  1. Baseball America’s 7th Favorite Sport; Former Pastime Now Less Popular Than Remembering Seinfeld Episodes And “Chumping”
  2. Top Scientists Agree: Jorts “Just Jean Shorts”
  3. OPINION: Rihanna’s Silence On ISIS Deafening
  4. Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ Returns To Earth; Shot 14 Times By Local Police
  5. Colorado Rockies Examining Free Agent Belly-Itcher Market; Scouting Top Belly-Scratcher Prospects In Draft

UPDATE: Due to popular demand, we’ve got 4 EVEN MORE Ways To Not Get Hired By The Onion (By Not Even Really Considering These Jokes For Your Application But You Wrote Them Anyway So Whatever)

  1. Women Less Likely To Date Men Responsible For Mass Genocide, Study Shows
  2. Tall Black Guy Doesn’t Play Basketball
  3. Steve Perry Kind Of Sounding Like He’s Doing An Arnel Pineda Impression Now
  4. Single Guy Seriously Considers Cleaning Out Car

Now that’s inspirational. With these tips, and a little bit of luck, you’ll be well on your way to not being hired by The Onion before you know it. Now just sit back, relax, and envision that rejection letter! Or should I say, that rejection email! Haha. I didn’t use that joke in the application either.