It's January 6th. And, by now, you've fucked it all up. You've broken your resolutions. Exercising, eating right, quitting smoking, saving money - these things are hard. Well, I'm here to tell you that you shouldn't despair. It's never too late to get started on bettering yourself. Here are five resolutions that you can make today that you can definitely keep.

1. Get Ready For Retirement

I know. You're probably thinking, "hey, Stu, you just said this goal was hard." Well, good news! Because you're not eating right or exercising, you're probably not gonna live until 65 anyway. So you don't even have to worry about this one! So don't stress about it. But be careful — lower stress levels can lead to a longer life, and that could fuck up the whole plan.

2. Tell Your Children You Love Them More Often

This one is the easiest of all. And science and research says it's good for everybody. Now, if you're like me, you don't have any kids. So you gotta get to fucking right away to try and get one. You've got until around April 1st to achieve this goal. If that don't work, you could adopt, but that shit's expensive and will you really be able to love a little shithead that isn't actually yours?

3. Read More

A lot of people make this resolution. These nerds are talking about reading books. But, look at this shit. You're reading right now. Way to go, dude! You've accomplished something this year. I'm proud of you.

4. Drink Less

Next.

5. Work on Your Own Car

You have hit the jackpot, my friend. Carspin will be returning this year to guide you on your way to automotive self-sufficiency. I'll tell you how to do everything, from fixing that thing that's like a metal cylinder with some kinda wires in it or something to diagnosing problems with the thing that makes a noise when you pull the lever from P to D.

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So there you go. These are some goals that will really improve your life without too much effort on your part. Come December 31, 2015, I think you'll be feeling pretty good about all you've accomplished.