chid: You go to Mexico for one fucking week and some handsome, Pacific northwesterner takes over for you?!?!?!

humanSuitcase: I felt this show needed to hear the views from a drunk, fashion illiterate man's man. He understands leather since he makes it himself from scratch. We give this show what it needs, chid, not what it wants. Since I have no real clue of space and time, I thought you were out for two weeks so I had asked him to step in for the wedding dress challenge tonight.

chid: I bet he would have loved that. The talented, funny, sonofabitch.

hS: He was a little nervous so he did some craft beer pre-drinking warm-ups and passed out. Good thing you're back otherwise...Whoa. These assholes are just jumping into the challenge tonight going straight to the Marchesa Bridal Showroom lobby. Fabio, never been anywhere more interesting than a recycled food co-op, just said "So, this is what fancy looks like." Stay classy, Fabio.

Advertisement

Clip clop? Are those Clydesdales hooves I hear? No, it's just Georgina Chapman's Marchesa cofounder and college roommate, Keren Craig, in a split crotch dress. Hee haw. How nice that she fakes a British accent, too, so Georgina won't feel awkward. Chid, did you know that Alyssa was ordained?

chid: Red Robin ordains people now?

hS: Part of their Unbridled Restaurant Experience™. Come for the Whiskey River BBQ and leave with the power of the state. Check out this hapless bride-to-be with her Endless Olive Garden Salad Bowl & Breadsticks of a hope chest. Like, anything she saw as a kid, she put in that chest. "Dirty cigarette butt? Half eaten acorn? Rotted ribbon from my Halloween costume when I was 5? Goes in the hope chest." She planned for everything except for bridesmaids. When is this show not getting someone out of a jam?

chid: I hope every dress is neon nylon.

hS: It's a one day challenge so expect a lot of tulle because it's cheap and plumps up a dress like a Ball Park Frank. Is Kenley Collins guest judging? She knows a lot about wedding gowns, losing $1000 worth of tulle, and throwing cats at ex-boyfriends.

chid: Did you see that Marchesa chinaware, humanSuitcase?

hS: I'm reminded of my childhood where I used my Mom's set for BB target practice. Good times.

chid: Wait, Michelle is getting married?!?!?! Mechanical heart = broken.

hS: You thought you'd be the 9th tattoo circle on her arms? Awww!

chid: You know I am lover. Michelle just said "I love love." SEE. WE HAVE THAT IN COMMON!!!11!!1!

Advertisement

hS: You're perfect for each other. I would be happy to be your bridesmaid at your wedding provided I get to wear an Elie Saab original.

chid: Did you hear them say that Alyssa is officiating a wedding "live" on the runway? I always dreamed of being married on a soundstage, surrounded by people I don't know, by one of Tony Danza's make-believe daughters.

hS: I loved Katherine Helmond. I wanted to marry her during the Soap years. RIP Mrs. Helmond.

chid: The pride of Bob Jones University. Her and Rich Merritt.

hS: She's a practicing Buddhist, and Rich did gay for pay so we've come full circle. Speaking of gay for pay full circle jerk, Dmitry just touched Michelle's boobs while draping his illusion jersey fabric around her neck. He's working with illusion, silk, jersey, and tulle for this challenge. Michelle eats her yogurt slowly and tells him it's pretty, but in her aside: "It's the most hideous thing of all hideous things ever made." So glad she's still around with her elevated status as Project Runway Grand Couturier.

chid: Ten minutes in, and Sonjia had a dinnertime meltdown. So sad. I cannot judge her for such an occurrence; I once unexpectedly sobbed in a public restroom. I can do many things, but realizing that I am not programmed to eat doughnuts with butt was a sad epiphany.

hS: I don't think that was Sonjia's problem, but I'm thinking you two share more than you know.

chid: Who is to say? She cried, "It's so hard to do something original every week." Tell it to the doughnuts, Sonjia. Tell it to artisanal doughnuts.

Advertisement

hS: Fabio, PR's clinical psycho-therapist and dietician, is here to help: "Don't, like, psyche yourself out. Don't be feeling like, y'know, you have to do stuff because it's just, like, stuff and you don't have options and nowhere to go because there's always options so, like, go outside for a second and like, y'know, you're eating too much gluten." Fabio consoles, illustrating Jung's theory of ego entanglement. "Why did I pick this bitch organza?" Pour quoi, Fabio, pour quoi?

chid: Zanna Gunn just did a rare double thumbs up. That old guy who looks young said "This is Marchesa, so these all need elevating." There is a different Marchesa than the Marchesa that makes chinaware they stole from a grandma?

hS: How many of Georgina's relatives are in leadership roles at Marchesa? They all have to step in when her investors pulled out last year? Are the Weinstein babies Marchesa senior associates of visual merchandising?

Advertisement

chid: Pulling out is one effective form of birth control. I was programmed in a public school.

hS: Unfortunately, Alyssa believes in Isaac's Planet Moon rhythm method. Still has the Children of the Corn community inside her.

chid: She's been nine months pregnant since September, when this show started. I don't know how they do it!

Advertisement

hS: This is where I'd say she looks great doing it, but no, I just can't. She's wearing an ill-fitting Marchesa tube top on the runway. Georgina's first cousin and brand manager is issuing a cease and desist order.

chid: Look at those dress things! I didn't care for Helen's. It was drab. Drab drab drab, I would say.

hS: Sonjia's is a bed sheet that got spun up too hard in my dryer. She should go through those folds and look for my missing socks.

Advertisement

chid: Michelle chose to use a bridesmaid-like color scheme, but I like her dress in spite of its horrible proportions.

hS: I agree. There's a good idea in there for the 20 minutes of sketching, fabric shopping, design and execution these sad sacks were allowed.

chid: Dmitry's dress doesn't look like an ice dancing costume! It was perfectly fine! Not inventive or original, but inoffensively nice. In this type of challenge, that should be enough to get him through.

Advertisement

hS: Considering it was a tulle and jersey replica of what the poor planning bride-to-be was wearing the day before, I'd be surprised it isn't the winner given these judges' low attention spans. "Wow! What a tastefully referential look, Dmitry! Reminds me an earlier time when women wore simpler things to Fancy Marchesa Bridal Showrooms."

chid: Fabio's dress is a mess. I don't like it. It's not Fabio. It's not fun. It's not weird. It's not colorful. It's not anything. Sad.

hS: If only he'd fixed that hem. That would have solved all its problems. Ha ha, who am I kidding? He should've gone home last week for his pee spray versatile tops and bottoms garment. You dodged a hollow point bullet last week, chid.

chid: Alyssa just called Michelle's dress "penis-like."

hS: Makes me wonder what dog breed Alyssa's husband is if Michelle's plum dress reminded her of a penis.

Advertisement

chid: Isaac just said that this was not his favorite week. He probably should have referenced Hitler in some way to make obvious, without using hyperbole, how bad everyone sucks right now. I have no idea what any of the scores are going to be like this week. This week is a piece of shit.

hS: It is. It's such a bad, throw away challenge. I'm thinking this poor planning bride-to-be was crying out in the alley behind Parson's where PR producers smoke: "Honey, you think you have problems. We have to come up with a one day challenge in 10 minutes—hold on, you say you need bridesmaids dresses by tomorrow? We can make those inside! Bring all your hopes and dreams long as you don't mind them crushed, haw, haw, haw—HACK HACK COUGH COUGH HACK!"

chid: Why would they make someone's wedding a one-day challenge? Wasn't that Paddington Bear challenge 7 days and two continents long? How come they hate that New York lady, humanSuitcase?

Advertisement

hS: Hell, that movie is still in circulation with the sequel not far behind. There's still time to do Paddington 2: Folsom Street Fair Adventures, PR producers. I wouldn't feel too bad for New York Lady Dana...her parting gifts are a Marchesa gown, Marchesa china set, and a job as director of Marchesa's Sourcing and Production, Bangladesh.

chid: Sonjia and Helen are the top two this week, but neither of them deserves all of those sweet prizes based on their design. In any other week, Sonjia very well could have been in the bottom two, and Helen's dress was just so matronly.

hS: They're the tallest midgets in the class—I can say that because I am the shortest midget on this website.

Advertisement

chid: Fabio is going home. I just wish he would have gone out in a technicolor, asymmetrical blaze of glory. It sucks that he had to lose on something that wasn't even his style.

hS: It's a real shame when you're a will-o-the-wisp, gender-neutral, natural fibers-lovin', sustainably re-harvested and dumpster upcycled, open relationship minded designer like Fabio, and you go out on a bad hem job. I'll sure miss him.

chid: I'll miss you, Fabio. You are the chillest.

hS: HEY! Next week is a dog mini challenge, but I don't see Swatch. Isaac sits in a chair and gets upset when Helen's dog, Chuck C. Johnson, takes a dump on the floor.

Advertisement

chid: Watching a guy watch a dog take a shit? I have a new weekly Sidespin column idea!!!

hS: Hopefully it's a column that revolves around watching a fashion show that never ends because our 4-5 weekly readers can't get enough of that.

chid: I want that Drunkbanjo back here for the finale. Our readership would increase by 33%!!!

Advertisement

hS: You're so good with the math being a supercomputer and all. I'll check with his people's people and see if he's blacked out.

chid: So good to be back. Did you know they speak a whole nother language in Mexico? SO WEIRD.

hS: Crazy talk! Never go back there. Now, if you'd excuse me, I'm going to eat a bag full of Taco Bell soft tacos and cry through 27 Dresses.