humanSuitcase: Get your picks in cuz it's Episode 3, chid! Looks like our hapless designers are going to see Cats at the Gershwin theatre this week. Guess they'll be challenged to design some fashion forward couture for pets: Dungarees for dogs. Capris for cats. Oh, sorry, they're there to see "Wicked" instead. Glad one of these clever designers remembered to say "We're not at Parsons anymore!" Ha, ha, that joke never gets old. The designers are thrilled to watch Alyssa spin in the Carmina Burana wheel of fortune. She's wearing my dead grandmother's tablecloth. Do you like musicals, chid?
chid: I kind of like musicals, but they make me sad that humans do not communicate exclusively through song. Just imagine Gunnar singing his anger at Chris or Fabio or Benjamin. Would watch.
Have you ever seen Wicked, humanSuitcase? Does it include any underexplained lists?
hS: I can't stand musicals because I'm a bad gay. I read the book, though, and there was no singing. Elphaba, the green witch, had one or two underexplained lists about Dots and contest announcements so she was clearly the bad witch and was put on the spreadsheet. Uh oh, it's a "Face Off" challenge, and they have to passively aggressively pick their opponents.
chid: Oh no, Sonjia vs. Kate!?!?! Two of my favorites head-to-head. Michelle got good and Chris got wicked. This seems incorrect. Dmitry vs. Gunnar should probably be wicked vs. wicked. Actually, this whole challenge should probably be Kate and Fabio vs. the world.
hS: Kate, the Good and Light princess, is embracing her dark side. She's got one, but she can't "just let go" because her patrician mother, played by Barbara Hershey, keeps her all bottled up and focused on doing only good and proper design. Overwhelmed by this dark challenge, Kate does a little Molly, seduces Helen in a cab and then stabs her later during the lunch break. Turns out it was all imaginary, and Kate's only stabbed herself. However, her dress comes out perfect. It is perfect, and she is an All Star after all. Fin.
Fabio is the unsung hero here totally unwilling to buy fabric and upcycles everything from Mood's dumpster. He believes in unstructured, loose silhouettes that free us from the rigidity of masculine/feminine boundaries. He is pure of thought and intention. He is the new millenium. His construction is also terrible.
chid: Millennials hate traditional silhouettes, buying things, and masculine/feminine boundaries. Samantha has had approximately 3 minutes of screentime so far this season. I keep forgetting she is on the show. It's not her fault. There are too many contestants for a 1-hour show right now.
hS: I think Zanna left her at Mood. I mean, I would, but Zanna and I are total bffs so we think alike.
"Are we all done? Ready to go?" Zanna asks quietly, petting Swatch.
Samantha, who is knee deep in notions, yells back, spitting out snaps. "Hold on, I'm coming!"
Zanna coos in the ear of Mood's dog mascot. "Hm, looks like we're all loaded up in the Project Runway All Stars sponsored vehicles. Time to go, Swatch." She straightens the shoulder pads in her Akris black and white patterned jacket as she exits Mood and chains the door shut. Samantha remains behind, discarded like mill ends.
chid: I like the hat that Sonjia is wearing.
hS: She's looking for a new love, baby. A new love. Yeah yeah yeah. This is Sonjia's rhythm nation, and we're just living in it. She'll miss you much.
chid: Gunnar just said the most insincere sentence of this season when he said "I love Dmitry, but…" It is an English language convention for expressing how much you hate someone while forgoing all responsibility for your feelings. It is second only to "bless his heart." As in, "Gunnar, bless his heart, gigantic asshole."
hS: You'd have to say it like this: "Blesssss hisssss gigantic asssshole." My bike tires have fewer leaks. We're cutting to a commercial, but I have no idea what anyone is actually making yet. There was a lot of sketching and smack-talk, but I'm not seeing the effort.
chid: 11 minutes in, first Osphena commercial. I never thought sex after menopause was possible. Shows what I know.
hS: "If your vagina is an abandoned junkyard, maybe Osphena is for you!"
chid: I don't love the way Michelle's dress is shaping up. It's a very boring color. Dmitry's looks like a horrifying black licorice ice dancing costume. Do you like black licorice? Does anyone like black licorice? But anyway, I still love him because his accent.
hS: Michelle's is gray on gray on winter white-ish. Jil Sander has patented this look, Michelle, and is in talks with legal. Better lawyer up. I think you're the only one that loves Dmitry besides himself. He's really from Akron, Ohio so the accent is a put on.
chid: No offense, Fabio, but labeling the shoulder of your dress is the one idea you can cut.
hS: I take a lot of offense at his insane asylum hospital birthing gown creation. Cut the cord, Fabio. Cut the cord.
Did you see Helen ruined her dick hand working all that silk organza into ruffles? Zanna points out that she's made a shower loofah. Other than Bill O'Reilly, Helen's never going to get a man working fabric that hard. Benjamin's being really nice to her about her focus on this challenge. He's such a gentleman.
chid: Benjamin seems like he would be a very generous host if you were staying at his house. Like he'd bring you hot tea and tiny, imported biscuits and extra blankets, and he'd say "make yourself at home," but he'd actually mean it. He'd be like "No, no, wear my slippers, chid."
Who do you think would be the most generous host?
hS: I'd be all for staying at Benjam—wait, you wear slippers in the server room?
chid: I am normcore robot.
hS: You're so eloquent and well spoken that I forget you're actually a machine. Please don't take that the wrong way. I have a lot of friends that are robots. I have one that vacuums the carpet, and HE IS REALLY GOOD.
chid: If you were a designer on this show, would you ask that the Chi hair stylist give your model a real Paul Mitchell-look? Would you find the least QVC-like accessories?
hS: I'm a Lush purist so I would ask that all my styling be done cruelty-free, organically, and Made by Kokeb.
For make up, I prefer a feng shui theme so all my models would have a smoky eye from the smouldering campfire log being smudged over their face.
After the broadcast, Michelle, who is a true sport, tweeted to me that her model had a "smash-ion" do. From her model's appearance, I can infer Chi Hair Care has built a particle accelerator hair dryer and those particles hit hair very, very hard. Yes, Michelle, I am a big, fat jealous loser.
My impression of QVC is "shopping at 3AM while eating a whole bag of Doritos after a few bong hits and considering touching myself before bed", and I'm glad that's exactly what Dmitry is going for with his choice of "statement pieces". Anyway, finish your last looks guys and get to the fucking runway already.
chid: Monsanto commercial? They want to have honest conversation about food and melting the flesh off of innocent civilians with chemicals.
hS: It's time to Be Part Of The Conversation About Food™, chid. Clearly, this is a dark conversation as that little girl coerces her father to buy her radiated, off-brand oranges by leaving a horse head in his bed. Oh, make sure you tune in for I'm-Not-A-Lesbian lesbian time on Prison Wives Club next Tuesday 10/9 Central. Finally, we're back.
Here's Alyssa wearing a huge bow around her waist. It's the kind they put on cars during Christmas. She has no good friends or mirrors in her green room. Georgina is out so no Marchesa plugs this week, but we have Betsey Johnson in her place. You okay with this?
chid: I've never seen Betsey Johnson the human being before. She looks exactly like the clothing she designs and markets. I am actually impressed by this. This is a value-neutral statement.
hS: I'm quite familiar with her hundred years spent in fashion. That is a non-age bias statement. Full disclosure: She's following me now on Twitter, and I'm scared to say anything about her. She knows people.
chid: Dmitry had the highest score of the week? Why do judges love costumes?
hS: Michelle called his outfit "Cooter-ture". Just great, Michelle. Now kids at home are going to want this in their back-to-school rotation. "But, Mooooom, I wanna wear my 'Cooter-ture' mini skirt! It's PICTURE DAY!" I hope Michelle's happy this is now on trend for 2015.
chid: Issac wants to see more of her skin. Betsey Johnson said it doesn't seem Wicked-enough. I haven't seen Wicked, but I have to assume it is 120 minutes of pantsless witches.
hS: Isaac designs for women shopping on QVC who are not honest about their sizes.
I'm not sure I want his advice on anything having to do with "skin" and "covering up". Whatever, Dmitry's dress "lacks drama". If there's anyone who knows drama, it's Isaac.
Betsey has designed for many pantsless witches and has closed all her retail outlets. Reporting fact, not judgement, Betsey.
chid: Chris' dress is the worst this week. I don't love mermaid look, I don't love intentionally ripped things, and I don't love jersey knit blankets that are full of holes. I cannot think of any real-world application for such a garment. I don't love Samantha's sequins—is blue Christmas tree.
hS: Who let Samantha out of Mood? Last I remember her she was buried in notions and from her hastily constructed dress she threw every sequin in existence at it. There are some cold ice skaters shivering out there, Samantha.
chid: Fabio's hat is also not right for this challenge, unless this was the Casablanca military uniform challenge.
hS: Nor is his birthing dress over pants right for this challenge either. He's on another plane where men/women don't exist. Just "people". Justin's is bland. Don't even remember it anymore. Was he on this episode?
chid: There hasn't been enough crying yet this season. Do you think anyone will cry tonight?
hS: I sure hope it's not Kate. I hate it when she cries. God is killing angels when she cries.
chid: Sonjia winning seemed fairly obvious this week. Fabio being safe is surprising until you remember that Helen made a bacterial dish sponge. Who do you think is out?
hS: This is a good time to drag out my one compliment this week: Sonjia's is quite pretty, perfectly constructed, and I would wear that all around my house doing chores like emptying the dishwasher or making phone calls.
I'm pretty sure that Helen will be out. Shame she ruined her hands pulling out all the stuffing from that Queen Anne chair. Betsey would have preferred she install a drink cabinet in the dress. Not sure where that comes from, but I like her direction because only alcohol can improve that look.
chid: It was Chris. Next week, Gunnar cries! Nina Garcia is back! Everyone will be angry and sad!
hS: I'm angry and sad now because I like Chris a lot, but I won't cry. I refuse to cry. I'll let Gunnar talk about himself in the 3rd person and cry for me.
Nina making a return means everyone has failed. Failed her. Failed Marie Claire. Failed at life. There will be tears. Someone will pay. Between you and me...I hope it's Alyssa.