Project Runway Colon All Stars Season Five Contestants Posed For This Picture. Just look at them.

chid: Welcome back to the weekly feature that sidespin.kinja.com deserves but doesn’t need! That’s right, it’s Project Runway Colon All Stars recaps, with your hosts, chid the sentient robot and humanSuitcase the sentient human suitcase! This website is a ghost town. What the hell happened, Suity?

humanSuitcase: It makes me weep for what could be, chid. This is my first trip back to this steamy, overgrown swamp in quite some time, but it doesn’t look like I’ve missed much of anything. Could definitely use more Peanuts fan fiction if I could be so bold.

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chid: Here we go. I’m unfamiliar with the competitors and all I want is to see adults cry and the occasional drape job.

hS: That’s why I’m here surrounded stacks of unread Women’s Wear Daily mags. It’s the fashion industry’s Bible only it costs 100 times more than the Word of our Good Lord. Hail Thom Browne, 2 time CFDA winner, blessed be thy name.

Just so you know, In the time it took us and Project Runway to run intros, Kini has designed, transhipped, marketed, and sold 3 full lines. Sam called him a “warlock”, which, in Malay, translates to “250 units per hour”.

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chid: I’d never lie to you, Suity—I don’t understand most of the words. Mitchell Perry is not here to play. He’s here to win! I’ve never heard anyone say that on a reality show before, so the novelty is refreshing, at least.

hS: Dom thinks she has it in the bag, which is also new and refreshing, but she’s already won one of these things before so I’m not what her motivation is in being waterboarded again. Which isn’t torture.

chid: I encourage our government to use Netti pots to gather information from suspected terrorists while Adam Sandler’s The Waterboy plays in the background. That’s what waterboarding is, right? There’s a guy named Alexander on this show who doesn’t have any eyebrows, so there’s that.

hS: Stella? I stopped drinking that beer years ago when I discovered the Craft.

chid: I vaguely remember that guy Daniel from seasons 1 and 2. That was back when I watched Project Runway! As you know, I once fell down a flight of stairs running to a Project Runway viewing party. This was pre-DVR.

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hS: Wow. Trigger warning next time, please. Speaking of Trigger, Alyssa is in early foaling stage. Her hindquarters are 4 hands wide. This is exciting gestation time, chid.

chid: I don’t mind, tbqh. At least she doesn’t look like a snowball, a basketball, other kinds of balls.

hS: Don’t say “balls”. Mitchell Perry just openly admitted his parents were drug addicts—sniff sniff, if you know what I mean. Anyway, that led him to play a lot of fantasy video games. I’m not sure how that will play into tonight’s challenge, but I’m hoping it’s Meth Mario.

Mood Fabric’s mascot, Swatch. Good dog.

chid: There’s a real generational divide in these recaps—it was called “Methrio,” and it was on Gameboy Color, OLD MAN.

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The design challenge is to make a garment that reflects the moment they knew they were meant to be designers. This is the type of challenge that would actually kill me. If I were in any competition with a prompt this pretentious, I would vomit until I died of dehydration. SWATCH IS BACK!!! WHAT A GREAT DOG.

hS: I think I say this every season, but I can’t say it enough: Swatch just doesn’t get enough screen time. You may have fallen down stairs and thought about vomiting, OR you could slice the tip of your finger off like Daniel just did. You’d expect clumsy things like that to happen on the show rivaling this one that rhymes with Clop Shmef.

chid: Daniel’s fingertip didn’t make the cut this season!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHHAA. You know who else didn’t make the cut? PIPERLIME!!!!! Please visit www.piperlime.com to verify.

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hS: Piper Lime was great on Orange is the New Black. Reminds me how much I miss Laverne Cox who won’t be judging today or any day this season. We have Chinese Laundry accoutrements this time. Those some badass wares not made in a laundry or by actual chinese unlike Trump clothing.

chid: Laundry is stuff you wash. Zanna is back.

hS: ZANNA! HI! It’s me again, humanSuitcase. We’ll make a real connection this season, just you wait, sweet sweet Zanna.

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chid: You just know Zanna smells like Nagchampa and talks about perception vs. reality all the time in conversation.

hS: She just read Mitchell Perry’s moment that needs to blend into another moment in superposition. Good luck doing that math, Mitchell. I like Zanna’s forearm leggings. Those’re pretty sweet.

chid: Daniel is wearing a very inappropriate Wenis condom on his cut finger. It’s only 9 PM! CHILDREN MIGHT BE WATCHING, LIFETIME!!!!!

hS: Did you know Sam is gay? He was a gay kid once.

chid: Hang on!!! There are GAYS on this show?

hS: Just the one that I know of. He makes a lot of circle jerks–er, skirts. Circle skirts.

chid: /changes channel

//puts on Rachel Maddow

/// breathes easy

hS: Uh oh, Zanna’s not seeing the work here. Remember what happened last Project Runway All Stars in her hometown, Great Britain? Didn’t end well.

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chid: Honestly, I don’t. Something about a stuffed bear and someone cried, probably.

Past Project Runway All Around Good Person Michelle Lesniak for Duluth Trading Company

hS: Those were the good ol’ days when we could write these things in 20 minutes. We don’t have Michelle as our muse anymore so c’est la vie as they say in Great Britain. Hope her job at Duluth Trading writing ad copy is doing well.

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chid: These Lifetime Television For Women™ commercials are a real treat. I can’t wait to see How To Be Single staring that British lady from Pitch Perfect and that girl from the sex movie and Judd Apatow’s wife.

hS: We haven’t gotten hit too much with the drug commercials and transvaginal meshes yet. Maybe we’ll get that at halftime. I need the constant reminder that women are basically German cars with flashing engine lights, Lifetime.

chid: Schwarzkopf is on a real advertising blitz here.

hS: A real “blitzkrieg” amirite? Ha, ha.

chid: I like that one guy’s “atheist” choker and that other lady’s pit hair.

hS: <F/ä/dê? He loves atheism and drop waist skirts. I can name another famous german atheist who dropped a whole lot more than just waists and skirts.

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Good catch on the pit hair, chid. You always have an eye for detail. Unlike Daniel with his unfinished beav show.

chid: If Stouffers is buying advertising, we could definitely afford a 30-second sidespin.kinja.com ad during this show for $5K. If every reader just gave $1,000, we’d have enough money in less than a month!

hS: More like split 30s for $5k. It may be just a hipster repeating to the camera “Sidespin: A Bad Place for Bad Jerks” over and over again, but it’s our hipster and our bad place.

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At some point these jerks are actually going to make some fashion on this show. We could be enjoying the second half of Restaurant Wars on Shmop Shmef now, but nooooooo.

chid: Alyssa isn’t pregnant anymore, but she still walked down the runway like a person with a wooden leg. Oh wow! It’s Dmitry Shokohlokhokokov.

hS: Your favorite ice dancing fashion designer. Oh, and now we’re walking the runway.

chid: I loved atheist guy’s look. That was nice clothes.

hS: Emily’s inspired by fashion forward shut-ins. Daniel has a slash slit skirt with matching thumb. Earlier, he told us he used to have visions of jackets and he made jackets from those visions. This is not one of those jackets nor is it a jacket.

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chid: Daniel’s dress looks like a frayed gym bag and probably smells like one too.

hS: Looks like the Lakers are cutting some girls and those sad girls are wearing Sam’s jumper. This is about the farthest thing from a circle skirt so I’m not sure what happened here. I’m sending bad opinion haver Michelle Tafoya in to get to the bottom of this.

chid: Dom’s look is a beautiful comforter draped over a basic dress.

hS: Dom was inspired by Céline look-book December 2015 which is a terrible thing. Céline is for the 1%ers and gentry (Joan Didion) who DGAF.

humanTrashbag Joan Didion for designerTrashbagline Céline

chid: Stella’s dress is Tim Burton meets Target.

hS: Alexander’s is American Horror Story: Filene’s Basement.

chid: There are too many goddamn contestants in this first episode. I don’t even know who that Bieber looking guy is yet.

hS: Sam or the missing eyebrow guy?

chid: Eyebrows guy made a conscious decision to make himself look like Mugatu. I bet he’s pissed that they made a Zoolander sequel. He has to find a new look now!

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hS: Coming soon: Dramatics and hijinks galore on Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women of Atlanta. This is good for Louisa’s brand.

chid: Love that Excedrin commercial with the pontificating mother. If you have time to pontificate to your children, you a bad parent.

hS: We have too many keyhole tops. The inspiration for these designers shouldn’t be “this is where I was stabbed.”

chid: Wish Laurence made a Nintendo Power dress, tbh.

Nintendo Power Glove™. Not shown: Nintendo robot (sold separately)

hS: With a Nintendo Power Glove™, right? Talk about being on trend. Uh oh, straight guy on the runway. “MY WIFE. A WOMAN. I HAVE ONE. I PUT MY PENIS IN A WOMAN AND I DESIGN CLOTHING.”

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Check out the sob story on Valerie. “I needed a friendstarter loan to buy sewing machines and food because I was poor so my inspiration was poor and the being of it. Wah.”

“Bootstraps, darling,” Isaac Mizrahi says. “Make a pair out of upcycled leather and pull them up around yourself, honey. Sometimes you just have to make terrible things for 3AM QVC shoppers.”

chid: Mitchell’s Joey Lawrence flannel is like 47% better than his dress. Really wish he went with overalls with one strap unbuttoned. Alyssa said “boobie” TWO TIMES. I’m embarrassed for you, Alyssa Milano. You used to be cool. Please start vaping and stop giving a fuck.

hS: #VapeLife, Alyssa Milano. Popcorn lung is so now right now.

chid: Who do you think is going home?

hS: It’s that time of the evening, isn’t it? Let me consider it while I thoughtfully watch this ad for Trulicity.

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chid: I don’t know most of these people’s names, but if you do that thing where you cross off their faces again, I’ll probably know who they are by week 6, so there’s that.

hS: Daniel. Going with...Daniel. I’m really hoping it’s Lifetime Movie: Let’s Play Final Fantasy While My Parents Get High, Mitchell Perry, but it’s probably Poor Life Choices Daniel.

chid: This is his third time on the Project Runway brand of television programs, and hopefully his last. He suffered physical discomfort for our amusement this time.

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hS: We could sub in Kate Pankoke again and no one would be the wiser really. Who’s in for that? Fourth time’s a charm, Kate.

chid: Valerie was the winner. She’s the lady who never won a challenge during her season, further stretching the meaning of the phrase “all star.”

hS: And I made fun of her for being poor that one time. I’m truly an awful person simmering in liquid smoke of hate.

chid: It’s your duty as an American. Trump 2016!

hS: Oh fuck. Both idiots are safe.

chid: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?

hS: “We don’t know who you are as designers, and our producers just informed us Lifetime is extending our season so congratulations to you both. Now, go seed discontent with the other designers so we can have better episodes.”

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chid: This is the gravest injustice done to our society since our terrorist government let Hillary run for president.

hS: This season on Project Runway colon All Stars...

To see more of the fashions on Project Runway Colon All Stars 5, please visit your local trash fire