humanSuitcase: chid, we’ve made it! 10 episodes! By my count, Layana’s crushing hit by pitch last week puts us at 6 little almost stars remaining. I carried the 2 saves and everything, but it seems like we should have more dead and gone. Barbie’s right: Math is hard.
chid: We’re down to six designers and that means, only like 9 more weeks of this death march. Speaking of death marches, I just arrived home after a week in the Midwest. Did you know farms?
hS: Trail of Tears: Terre Haute sounds like a smart History channel series I’d DVR and then ignore for two years and delete. “Hey, honey! You watching this Terre Haute thing? Need room for the Devious Maids marathon. Honey? Fuck it, I’m deleting this shit.” I don’t know anything about farming, though. There’s Royal Farms in Maryland. Not near as good as Wawa.
chid: Sorry, fell asleep, thinking about the Midwest. This week’s challenge is something about sophisticated women who look like brunette Taylor Swifts.
hS: What sort of Spin & Wash did this guest person run through with that pleather and fringe? I know she’s supposed to be all philanthropic and all, but she’s freaking me out making that fringe move with her mind.
chid: There’s no room for philanthropy in fashion. It’s all about asses and guns.
hS: BIG asses. BIG guns. This is America.
chid: 2016: the year of the ass gun.
hS: OMG I WANT AN ASS GUN FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
chid: Hang on, Sam is from Massachusetts?
hS: Wicked Boston Strong. I feel like I’ve said that phrase a lot this season. Probably because it makes me think of Jeremy Renner and Ben Affleck. Together. That makes me smile downstairs.
chid: He said everyone in MA is in seersucker. Are Longchamp bags and red sox hats seersucker?
hS: What? Seersucker is a southern thing. It’s fresh lemonade and a porch swing on a late, sultry afternoon. It’s Charles Durning as Pappy O’Daniel. It’s when you’re invited into someone’s parlour, and you take your hat off sitting on the divan. Seersucker is spoken with a drawl.
You “go to the cape” way way way more than I do, but I can’t recall seeing “eeeeeeeveryone” in seersucker. Vineyard Vines whale logo tees and boat shoes? Price is Right winning ding ding ding bell. Seersucker that’s not a shower curtain? Price is Right loser horn. I do appreciate he’s enthusiastic about it, though. You do you, Sam.
Lookit Dom rocking out in Asha’s Navajo print. I feel it, Asha: Tomahawk vs. smallpox blanket vs. Mossimo Supply Company edgy, Asha.
chid: Ken showing plenty of cleave tonight. That’s a deep fuckin’ V, Kenny. So deep.
hS: “You can’t make any mistakes.” says Black Carmen Ghia. Good advice, Carmen.
chid: 10 minutes in, and it appears that Kini is designing balloon pants for Circus Circus performers circa 1983, back when they had performers there, you know, before all the child abductions and everything.
hS: Those are some classy, philanthropic, edgy Zubaz he’s making. Yapple dapple, Babu, yapple dapple!
chid: At 12.5 minute mark, cameraman just did a long, slow shot of the black/blue striped leggings Emily is wearing under her t-shirt. Weird angle. That dude wants to fuck her.
hS: “Hey, my airbrushed eyes are up here, Mr. Cameraman.”
Sam just said that “being badass” is wearing a jumpsuit because it takes guts to wear one. More like it takes gut muscles to hold pee in because you can’t use the bathroom in them. I shouldn’t know this, but I do, chid. I do.
chid: Zanna just came in. She’s also rocking a deep V tonight. More like a deep U. Who is this pleather lady with Fiorina-face?
hS: Pleatherina just got done washing Zanna’s car with her Rain-X dress. It takes TWO TOKENS for the undercarriage wash, Zanna.
chid: Asha’s look is basically twelve scraps of fabric right now. Always good for people to comment on something that is 8% finished. Fiorina face was like “I think it’s TOO MUCH of a risk,” or something, I zoned out.
hS: You wouldn’t want to be TOO MUCH of a badass. I bet you’re ready for a nap. Naps are for badasses.
chid: I like Dom’s weirdass dress pieces and glasses. That’s a good look on Dom’s face.
hS: Take it to the limit, Dom. One more time. The heat is on. THIO.
chid: Zanna called Kini’s pants a disco banana. I love Zanna.
hS: I love Zanna, too. She just won’t listen.
chid: I’m bored of this ep already. Are they on the runway yet?!?!?!?!?
hS: Sam’s got the makings of a ‘70s United flight attendant minus the neckerchief plus baby sling. What’s this nagging feeling that I’ve seen all this before?
Thanks, cross-eyed Karen Black from Airport ‘75.
chid: Much as I love Zanna (a lot), her in place of Tim Gunn is like DeMar DeRozan in place of Steph Curry. Sports analogy! I DID IT.
hS: We’ve saved Sidespin! High five, chid!
chid: Zanna in place of Tim Gunn is like Matt Stafford in place of Aaron Rodgers. TWO, THAT’S TWO.
hS: It’s like James Blake in place of Djokovic. HEY, ME TOO!
chid: No, James Blake is a singer, Suity. Kini’s pants look like Nazi riding pants but like, yellow and shiny and not like something the Nazis would wear. But you know, I learned from the internet that anything I don’t like is comparable to Nazis.
hS: I’ve been yelling “ZUBAZ” since he started sewing. Mr. Suitcase counters with “BAD BALINESE DANCER”. It’s the puffy pant showdown in the Suity household.
chid: It’s the morning of the runway, and Ken is in trouble, and he’s replaced his deep V with a very high crew neck, so you just know he means business.
hS: Looks like he needs another night out at a NY bathhouse. He’s asking Kini for advice. That’s like Serena asking Venus for advice on her serve. ANOTHER ONE!
chid: Wow. Our readership is gonna Skyrim this week.
Kini’s is somehow worse than I thought it would be. I’ve seen bad. That’s bad. Here’s Scott Patric for Scwarszkopthf to say “badass” twenty more times. These people need a thesaurus.
hS: “Sssssuper Ullllltra Polisssshed.” He blew a rim out with that tire.
Did you know what those Zubaz needed? Badass dip dyed jacket, that’s what. Fashion is saved.
chid: The designers all really hate Sam. Ken just said, probably, “Shit, fuck, cocksucker godDAMNit.” I think.
hS: HOT MOTHERFUCKING CUNTJOB CORNY SHITEATING FUCK damn this top won’t come together.
Yep, this Snowpiercer train of Sam hate keeps on chugging but there’s no Tilda Swinton to keep it on the tracks. One of these days she’ll guest judge and then we can all die happier people.
chid: What he just threw together looks good. You know what they say about genuisWHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ALYSSA’S HAIR?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
hS: Yeah, he just pinched some fabric together and poof! Iman.
chid: Alyssa’s look this week is “Tim Burton film extra reject.”
hS: That must’ve been one hell of a fag joke she told while in the stylist’s chair.
chid: Of wow, the celebrity judge is that actress who didn’t wash the coke dishes in Goodfellas. She must have finally got out of prison!
Ken’s is something. I think that came together okay.
hS: I totally agree. Ta da, a lovely blouse with flowy pantaloons. Nice job, Ken. One note cinched together with a belt, but hey, as five minute looks go...
chid: Asha’s looks has a cook print and cool back, but it’s kind of formless. Emily’s looks awesome, but this badass sophisticated challenge was made with her in mind.
hS: So we’re really doing a seersucker baby sling, Sam? This is happening, huh.
chid: Yeah, but check out that ass gun!!!
hS: Dom’s is pleasantly shimmery. There’s no ass gun on this one.
chid: Kini’s is better off without that trash jacket, but those pants are still, wow.
hS: It’s an improvement that only the bottom is spillover hot garbage. Isaac called out my Baby Bjorn on Sam. Awww, twinsies! I don’t understand where he thinks seersucker is edgy. I mean, I’m a fan, but I grew up with it. You know who does good seersucker? Brooks Brothers but they are never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER edgy. Ever.
chid: You described it well, Suity. I like Ken’s faux orange widow’s peak he put on that model.
hS: Emily’s is fun. It’s just fun. Twiggy. Twiggy makes Isaac feel like a geezer, and that’s a good thing, sissssster.
chid: Twix is a good candy bar, I agree.
hS: Kini’s is for the woman who goes to the pool but not in the pool. Oh, she is going IN the pool, Kini. I’m pushing her in for wearing those Buttafuocos. Thanks for bringing up another really bad time for American reality drama tv, Kini. Ranks right up there with OJ, but Sarah Paulson came through in the end and saved the day.
chid: Another episode of Prun All Stars, another long conversation about the slit.
hS: Now they’re just getting too graphic. We giggled and tittered our way through vajayjay, but slit talk is going too far. What’s next? Gash and slash? This is the real coarsening of our America, chid.
chid: When are we gonna get a daytime talk show, Suity? I thought these recraps were the fast track to riches. We should at least have a web series. He’s sometimes a robot, he’s a mysterious bureaucrat. Together, they’re FASHION FRIENDS - friends who fashion. What a catchy title. Obviously people would watch that.
hS: May not be what America wants but she deserves a web series with us, and we deserve riches for sitting in front of a webcam and having strong opinions.
chid: It’s the only thing America deserves. This is 2016: Ass Gun.
This week was pretty disappointing, overall. I think Emily definitely won. Ken is probably going home. Maybe Asha? What do you think?
hS: I’m rootin’ for Emily this week. She made something fun which hasn’t happened this season at all except maybe two episodes ago but that was forever, and we should never look back.
chid: Oh wow! Emily won! No surprise there. I can’t believe Kini finished second. This was a bad week if Kini was second. If the field was stronger, he’d be in the bottom.
hS: YAY! Wait, has she always had those asian tattoos on her chest? I bet she orders a lot of takeout, if you know what I mean. Kung Pao Beef Curtains, baby.
Ooo, Ken’s safe. Wait. Wait wait wait. Hold up. I can’t have Dom go. Or Asha. Bring Ken back stat.
chid: Yeah, both Asha and Dom kind of had shitty weeks, but I expected them to send Ken home. Asha seems nice. She made some good stuff. No hard feelings, Asha.
hS: Me, too. He should go home for all the swears, and I mean, that was a lot of swears. I’m a lady and don’t go in for foul language like that. Oh well, what’s done is fucking done.
Boy George guest host next week! That should be fun, right? Almost fun? Near fun?
chid: Near “fun.” starring that guy from The Format and that other guy from dating the girl from Girls.
hS: Brian Williams’ daughter who was also Peter Pan once ass eating guy??? Please say “YES!”
chid: That’s my favorite Elliott Smith song, “The ass eating guy??? Please say “YES!” great record, Either/Or. RIP in Peace, Elliott.