chid: This week on (colon) All Stars, the designers must make opposite red carpet looks for some Little Big Town. I don’t know which Little Big Town, because they never say! Let’s assume Minneapolis. I know a ton about Minneapolis!

humanSuitcase: Minneapolis? That was the DMV employee’s name who yelled at me last week getting my driver’s license renewed after it’d been expired for a year. She weighed a ton.

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chid: Alyssa takes the runway in what can only be described as Dominatrix-casual wear to introduce this week’s premise. She didn’t accessorize, though, because BaubleBar doesn’t make nipple clamps (yet).

hS: Two extra large mouse traps and Alyssa is “Nips Ahoy!” So, Karen and Kimberly of Little Big Town are judging tonight? These two remind me of a very thin Heart, but they’re not sisters except maybe in Christ, The Lord Almighty. I’m half-listening, but they’re theming tonight’s episode “Opposites Attract” because these two get photographed together at red carpet events all the time and they’re opposites but are attractive to each other but that’s wrong and lesbian.

chid: In spite of what Alyssa just said, last year’s song of the summer was not “Girl Crush,” unless the song “Girl Crush” goes “Got 50, 60 grand, 5-100 grams though / Man, I swear I love her how she work the damn pole / Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go /Everybody hating, we just call them fans though / In love with the money, I ain’t never letting go / And I get high with my baby / I just left the mall, I’m getting fly with my baby, yeah.”

hS: Whoa. I just looked up the lyrics to “Girl Crush”. More like the theme song from Single White Female.

chid: I’ve never heard or heard of that song before but I guess my country music knowledge is limited to bands that wear ironic suspenders only. Kimberly from Minneapolis just said “Even though Karen and I hang out a WHOLE LOT,” in a way that makes me believe they hate one another and the whole Little Big Town is about to have a fire they will never recover from.

hS: It’s a hashtag Team Challenge tonight, chid, and Sam’s doing the opposites pairing because he won last week, but having immunity is for pussy non-All Stars. He keeps Kini for himself and forms Team Proactive. He knows what it’s like to be stricken by Team Blemish.

chid: Teams are good and teams are fun. Sam wants to be at the top! You heard it here first!

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hS: The producers sent our pairs off to Mood with just $600 for each pair. Cost-conscious Stella just asked Mood lady: “Yo, whatta four yards measure out at?” Mood lady: “Um, four yards?” Team Bug Chaser, Mitchell & Daniel, are making “pain and pleasure.” Mitchell’s thinking about designing a pillbox hat with an eye shot out. First Lady pain.

chid: I’m excited to see which limb Daniel amputates tonight.

hS: If we’re lucky, he’ll cut off Mitchell’s nose to spite his sour face.

chid: Mitchell selected fabric that can only be described as Pepto-Bismol-esq. Remember Mylanta? I miss old women saying Mylanta on television. Is Mylanta a Little, Big Town?

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hS: Mylanta is a completely Non-Minneapolis big town in a state known for peaches which was a 90s song by The Presidents of the United States of America about another type of girl crush that was actually a hit summer song once.

chid: As the old expression goes, sparks are starting to flea! These sassy designers DO NOT like working together.

hS: Opposites are definitely oppositing. Sam’s ploy to perfectly match teams tonight has backfired in a 360. Kini may be having it with that chin pimple, he is definitely not having it Sam’s poor stitching. Back to school, Sam—Kini’s already made and sold 5 dresses by the you got that damn zipper sewn in.

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Kini asked Sam why he put Daniel and Mitchell together, and Sam called them “The Leftovers” because of the HBO hit show starring an actress from Gone Girl wherein everyone lives in a hotel after they die. I’m still just half-listening, chid, but I challenge anyone to deny my facts.

chid: Zanna is wearing a sex-kimono that probably only works on a waifish blonde from Britain.

hS: She waifed in and waifed right out. Did she spend any time with these happy-go-lucky opposites designers this week?

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chid: Because this is only an hour show and there are still 12 designers left, I feel sort of terrible for the crew who has to follow these schmucks around. Imagine filming 36 hours of this bullshit and getting it condensed to a “tight” 44 minutes. Imagine being Zanna and coming in looking all hot and shit and only getting 2 minutes of screentime!

Unrelated - whenever Stella talks, it feels like she’s doing a shitty impression of a tough New Yorker. I think I hate her.

hS: I want to like her, but then I think about the Mets and the assholes who like them so I don’t like her either. #Natitude!

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chid: Daniel is on Mitchell’s last nerve. Daniel always seems high, and Mitchell always seems drunk.

hS: Stella’s diet pill is wearing off. Valerie just said, about their models in the Schwaknoff™ make up chair: “This one is Grace Kelly. This one is Joan Crawford.” Stella’s head exploded.

chid: I think she meant Joan Allen. Joan Allen and the Blackhearts.

hS: I wish Joan Allen was guest judging tonight. Instead it’s two women who secretly hate each other and don’t know what a hair brush is.

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chid: Daniel’s look is basically the trashiest trash that’s ever trashed. Judges hate it when they have celeb guest judges who are being presented these dresses to choose from, and one of the dresses is offensive and tacky. We haven’t begun the runway yet, but Daniel is definitely going home. You heard it here first. I’m familiar with tropes.

hS: Given how baked he is it’s shocking he’s not chowing down a bag of Funyuns on the couch. “Layana. Laaaay Ahna. That’s a cool name. Lay On A. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. … Hey. Um, wanna Funyun? SYKE! They’re all mine, man.” Daniel digs around in the bag then sucks his fingers. “Like, you fuggin buttholes ain’t gettin in my Funyuns.”

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chid: Here we go. Asha’s look is something T Swizzle might wear with more editing.

hS: I see a thin table cloth. Alexander just now noticed that his dress is multi-dimensional. In the work room it was just two layers of cloth he pieced together, but on the runway, it’s Interstellar.

chid: Tablecloth is IN right now, Suity.

hS: The trashbIN.

chid: Mitchell and Daniel together, dear god. If the producers of this show have any respect for the work we do at all, they will stop the show and immediately kick them both off now and then fire them from a cannon.

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hS: Daniel’s is a beav-tastic mess. No one knows what that really means, but they know that it’s awful.

chid: Stella’s looks like a rejected wardrobe from Snow White & The Hunstman.

hS: I’ll say it: Snow White & The Cunstman. She put it out there, and I’m saying it.

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chid: NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR ART, SUITY! Valerie’s is inoffensive in a week where most everything has looked tasteless so far. It doesn’t scream “red carpet,” to me, but that’s because it’s made of fabric and fabric can’t talk and even if it could, I doubt it would speak to me, you know? Probably it would speak to someone with a better sense of style and much better personal hygiene, tbh.

hS: Hold up, can we just stop for a second on the Yohji Yamamoto dress that is Dom’s? That’s spectacular. The cut is totally Yohji. Good job Dom, red carpet ready or not. Finally someone does something that doesn’t suck, but...wait for it. She’s completely ignored and safe. And the black guy, too. I’m offended.

chid: Yeah, that Dom and Ken combo was nice. Kini’s is a dumpster fire. That print looks like something a middle-aged woman would buy at Kohl’s for $8.95.

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hS: It took all of 5 minutes to make so what do you expect from Kini? It took Sam 24 hours to consider the seam allowance. “Bostonian Severe-ness vs. Paradise Pimple”. I don’t understand, but I’m still half-listening. Little Big Hair luuuuuuvs that there bow construction on the shoulder. Well, bless her easy-ta-pleeze pee-pickin’ heart. Christ, these assholes are such put-ons. Bring back Laverne Cox, Project Runway.

chid: Layanna’s looks like a prom dress. Not an unattractive prom dress—if I were still 17, I’d accept an HJ in the back of a limo from a young woman wearing that—but yeah. I guess Alexander’s is safe enough to wear in public. He might win! What a trainwreck of a week.

Did you see two things that the two pretty women from Minneapolis would even wear?

hS: You’re talking about Daniel & Mitchell: Pain & Pleasure.

chid: Pain & stoner pain. I liked the way Mitchell deflected before the judges said anything. “This isn’t my fault!!!”

hS: Way to get ahead of the judges’ critique, Burner and Cooch.

chid: Isaac said nobody loves skin more than him, and that’s a true story, because he snacks on an ultra-expensive, organic snackfood called SKINCHIPS. Locally sourced from the most delicious children in China! Local foods are good for you.

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hS: Too much skin. Way too much skin. Stella has shown us way too much, her black acrylic dress has a big slit up the front for no reason whatsoever, and the way Georgina says “slit” makes me nervous.

chid: Slit slit slit slit slit! Slits! Let’s talk about slits Sui-ty. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about etc. etc. etc. Slits.

hS: Salt ‘n’ Pepa were opposites, too, chid. Don’t think they were ever invited on any red carpet, although I can’t think of two opposites that deserve that treatment more.

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chid: I wonder what they’re up to these days. You’d think they’d be on Vh1. Maybe they are. I haven’t watched that network since they stopped playing Elton John videos. Remember “I’m Still Standing?”

hS: I can never forget because he wore over a thousand sunglasses in MTV’s most overplayed video of all time, and I really really really wanted one of the pairs. Back in the 80s we didn’t have the internet with an Amazon app where you type in the search bar “Elton John’s Sunglasses In A Video About Still Standing”, get a custom filtered assortment that could be purchased via PayPal credit and shipped, same day, to your trendsetting tiny house by drone.

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chid: Lucky for you, too. You were probably only making 85 cents an hour back then! But boy did Reagan have control of things. Reagan really knew how to slit.

hS: He was into The Tubes. “She’s A Beauty”? Favorite track. Why would I lie?

chid: Asha and Alexander won. That seems like the safe choice. I honestly didn’t know they had to choose a TEAM. They’re kind of lucky that both Asha and Alexander did things inoffensive enough to be selected. This was almost a producer’s nightmare!

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hS: “Wow. What. Wow. Hey. Whoa. Um, where’s Tim?” Daniel is so high he just realized 10 minutes after the DVR recording cut off into “Dance Moms: Shake The Baby!” that he was eliminated.

chid: He mumbled to himself, “I’malimitedtonight?” It’s weird how chill they are about people smoking weed at Parsons. Is this even Parsons? Where am I?

hS: “Where’s my fuggin bag of Funyuns did I eat em all daaaaaaaaamn heyyy did Lay On Ya win?” You know Alyssa got a serious contact high hugging him. Gonna fail your Project Runway: Random Drug Test, Alyssa.

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chid: Next week is the unconventional challenge. Considering how pathetic the showing was this week, when designers got to select and use actual fabrics, I can’t wait!

hS: Someone needs to change the name of this show to Project Runway : Just All Right Stars.

chid: Project Runway : Kinda.

hS: Project Runway : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

chid: Project Runway : *FFFFFARRRRTTTTT*

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