chid: Can you believe it’s already week 4?!?! It’s like the hours and minutes of my life are slipping away and I’m spending them hate-watching a show that no one likes—OH WOW A FIREHOUSE!
┻┳| •.•) designers, it’s unconventional materials week
chid: Alyssa just told us that the police and firefighters and EMTs are the heroes of any city. I hate when she explains the world to me through her perverted, reductive, obviously sexual POV, Suity.
hS: They’re heroes if they save us from this episode and all episodes going forward. The truest heroes are the buttons on that poor lady EMTs uniform. Hold strong, good buttons, hold strong.
chid: If only the police would arrest Lifetime: Television for Women for taking over a show that clearly belongs on Bravo: Television for the Rest of Us.
The designers have to use materials in the firehouse, EMT house (I guess? EMTs get to live in houses, right?) and police station to make their looks. The gross thing about this is that these materials undoubtedly cost more than the fabrics they purchase at Mood, and will look 10000% shittier. Plus no Stitch.
hS: And they get a whole 5 minutes to scrounge this re-decommissioned firehouse for underprivileged youth art supply factory or something. I dunno anymore. New York has some wonky ideas about repurposing things. Alyssa, there’s a child in Schenectady crying over their missing trampoline you stole for today’s outfit. Hope you feel good about yourself, you trampoline thief.
Layana’s eyed the CPR doll. Make a “credible fashion that you’d never guess was made from these materials” humanBackpack out of that doll, Layana.
chid: Kini seems a little too worried about Sam. Sam is a blogger who lives in his mother’s basement, I know that from reading Rick Reilly.
hS: This is the absolute last time Sports Illustrated embeds plagiarizing reporters. Promise.
chid: What’s the name of nosering? You know, ol’ stripey sweater? It’s week 4, and I only know ⅓ of these people’s names.
hS: Valerian M’lynn. Meylin. Meyrink. Mylar—that’s it! Mylar.
chid: There’s no way that’s her name. I’ve never heard of that being a name before.
hS: It’s a material AND her name, chid. Don’t make fun of people’s names.
chid: I want to be on this show and go by the name “BUTTCUTTER” and force the producers of the show to decide if they want to call me that in the chyrons. Also, BUTTCUTTER talks in third person.
hS: I will be called “Alexander Popehat”, the ostensibly gay libertarian dressmaker.
chid: That name sounds more made up than BUTTCUTTER.
hS: I dated a guy named “Buttcutter” for 5 minutes. Best 5 minutes of my life.
chid: But he wasn’t all caps BUTTCUTTER—that’s a real power name.
Now that we’re free of two designers, the producers have time to show us film of these people eating snappy little salads.
hS: Asha says she is marching to the beat of her own drum this week. Watch Whiplash during your lunch break, Asha, I guarantee it’s inspiring. Mitchell is making baked potato models with a hazard symbol. Designer Jiffy Pop with AIDS.
chid: That looks like a “Wonderlady” costume made by Chinese children. We’re at the 15-minute mark of this episode, and nothing else looks like anything. Here’s Zanna! Her hair is Gwyneth Paltrow in Royal Tenenbaums this week.
hS: Did Daniel chop off her finger, too, and replace it with a wooden one? I look forward to Zanna’s first play: Coping With The Very Troubled Giuliana Rancic.
chid: Is Daniel the guy who cut off his hand? These are utterly forgettable episodes and all stars.
hS: He’s back at the Project Runway All Star Hotel getting baked as we recap, chid. Hey, it’s “Project Runway” not “Project Craftway”, Mitchell. Not sure where you got all those kid sheriff badges, buddy. There wasn’t a Claire’s endcap in that fire/art/house for you to pilfer.
chid: Kini’s glove dress looks like what King Cake Baby’s mom wore the night she got knocked up.
hS: By the way, Kini, there’s a quinceañera princess in Texas getting cold thanks to you. Sam has some great insight on this challenge having won his on the Gunn knockoff show: “My strategy for an unconventional challenge is to get the materials, start playing around with them, and see what they’re willing to do. Ironically, this is the same strategy I use during my visits to the Northern Men’s Sauna in Flushing.”
Stella’s tube “jacket” is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s what I would think someone with the name “Zotis” would make and think it “credible fashion”. You’re no “Sandhya Garg”, Stella.
chid: Yeah that’s vom. BUTTCUTTER DOES NOT APPROVE.
hS: I would totally buy anything with the BUTTCUTTER label. Anything.
chid: Oh wow. It’s Alyssa, dressed like a faberge egg!
hS: At least we have an actual fashion judge tonight. Johnny Wutangjet knows something about putting clothes and other boob coverings on Katy Perry.
chid: I asked Twitter and they agree that a true designer would cover everything but her boobs, Suity. Emily’s dress is probably the best thing she’s done this season. Maybe she should just never use real fabrics?
hS: She’s used to using children as her unconventional materials for her quietly marketed kids’ line. In completely unrelated news, I read Jared gained some weight during his prison stay.
chid: Mitchell’s dress is a giant pile of shit. I’ve never seen a model look so unattractive.
hS: I truly believe Mitchell’s aesthetic is simply a giant pile of shit. His tone in describing this shit-the-model-fell-back-in is unnessarily aggressive: “The judges better see that my dress has MOVEMENT. NO ONE ELSE HAS MOVEMENT. THOSE ARE CATHETERS MAKING IT MOVE.” Calm down, Mitchell. Accept your Ace award for Moving Catheter Dress already. Christ.
chid: Asha’s was weird. Dislike. Kini’s is fucking awful. Sam’s has no shape.
hS: Dom used cut up Xrays because why not. Layana’s does actually look like suede. I’ll give her that but that’s it. Probably the least offensive look tonight. Sam’s is...fine arrrgh—sorry, I had a tonsil stone come up.
chid: Dom is one of the people I still don’t know who she is. Hers is okay. I’m not insulted by it.
hS: There’s so much else to be revolted, upset, and insulted by tonight, BUTTCUTTER.
chid: Alexander’s looks way too basic.
hS: I’m not sure why he needed nitrile gloves to work with that medical tape. He must have issues with touching medical devices with his bare, basic fingers.
chid: I like what Valerie did with those cotton swabs. That’s something different.
hS: Not sure why Mitchell called that a “Stepford Wives” look. Again, this idiot doesn’t know his gay references. MORAN.
chid: Stella made something that is easy and boring but looks cute on her model. The strange thing about this challenge is, do they want looks that are like approximations of actual clothing made of unconventional materials, OR do they just want shit that looks fucking strange? I don’t even think they know most of the time.
hS: I laughed really hard at Isaac’s Mizrasigh when he saw Stella’s dress. It’s fashion, chid. No one really knows what they’re talking about. Just use a lot of haughty words and get close to 500 of them. Voila: Fashion column.
chid: Wait so like: “Stella, you have a very opaque understanding of the word unconventional. Eat my butt.” Like that?
hS: I’m a little partial to Sam’s, to be honest. Not much shape to it like you said, but the shoulders pull it together. Shoulders pull most things together. See, I’m a fashion writer.
chid: Asha’s is garbage. It looks like there’s too much shit on it or not enough shit on it.
hS: Asha was blocked this episode. Happens all the time. The Fleet enemas were up for grabs, Asha. Shoulda taken advantage. Sayin’.
chid: Alexander’s is enough to get him through. Predictably, they think Stella sucks. Isaac compared it to Forever 21.
hS: Ken will likely be the winner tonight with his inside out firehose look. I do agree with the judges that it’s fantastic, but I hope to never hear Wutangjet say words again. How do you speak from back of your throat and still have a lisp? He’s mastered this.
chid: ...but BUTTCUTTER mastered fashion. Ken is almost definitely going to win. I think Stella is going home. I thought Asha’s was worse, though, from a purely “what looks more like something a human may actually wear,” perspective.
hS: She made boring. They hate boring. I hate it. You hate it. Everyone hates boring. Alyssa made a pass at Sam tonight. I’m disturbed.
chid: I’m so tired this week. Project sleepway. Plus I have to meet Curtis Wenis IRL tomorrow, and plan a murder and getaway.
hS: America’s love-to-hate homunculus. I’m looking forward to hearing how you will do him in but make sure it’s done in an unconventional way.
chid: Poked full of toothpick holes, covered in lemon juice.
hS: Sounds delicious like that lobster roll we shared.
chid: Oh wow, Ken? Won? I guess. Was that Ken with the hose thing?
hS: Inside out hose. Never thought I’d say that ever in my life. I hope Wutangjet says it out loud. I’ve always like the sound of air escaping a balloon. It’s always escaping. No one just lets air out of a balloon: It escapes. Here I go, fashion columning again.
BUTTCUTTER: Stella lost because the biggest affront to good taste is Forever 21.
hS: A label well worn by retailers like Wet Seal before they shuttered and the Contempo Casuals before them. Stella lost because she says she “really wasn’t me”. Another designer that’s been to paradise but never been to me. Where do the producers get these losers?
chid: Yeah, it was lacking in drama and the looks were not great. It’s hard to make comparisons to things when the things they put on the runway look like the comparisons you’d make. “That looks like a pile of latex gloves.” “That looks like tape.” “That looks like chid’s soul left his body and he’s dead now.. ohhhh wow!!!!” Fuck, I need to turn off my TV before that nightmare factory called “Child Geniuses” comes on.
hS: If it was “CHID Geniuses”, you could host and win at the same time.
chid: Weclome to “chid Geniuses” where I teach your children how to say inane things on the internet while balancing a career, another unpaid career, and an active social life!!!!
hS: Sounds like Twitter to me.
chid: I like to tweet. Ca-caw.
hS: Um, I guess I’ll see you next week, chi—
chid: BUTTCUTTER LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!