chid: This week, the designers begin in a book shop because there’s no such thing as a tacky idiot store.
humanSuitcase: LeVar Burton and I dare any of these designers to open a book and make an honest attempt at reading it. DOUBLE DOG DARE THEM.
chid: They are designing for modern-day fairy tales. The best kind of fairy tales. Like Hitchbot! Or Jubway Sared! No wait, some British lady is just assigning them boring characters. How is a Millennial supposed to relate to this horseshit? It’s like, I just want to not take marriage seriously and hear someone make a “different kind of footlong” joke.
hS: How do I and our two readers follow you on Thought Catalog? I’m keen to read your “24 Daily Ways To Fall A Little In Love With The Person You Don’t Like Very Much”.
The Little Mermaid is a protected species, Sam. I’m petitioning the UN tomorrow to have your trolling technique banned.
chid: Kini is making Alice of Still Alice but as a blue butterfly. We’ve reached the portion of the season where they are showing the sketches the designers make. There is so much more face time for everyone. I expect more drama. Someone better poison someone else’s salad tonight.
hS: Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the meh-est of them all? I’m saying Layana because she’s got the self-doubt feels tonight.
chid: The sketch for the Tinkerbell dress had notes that said “Spunk, Punk, British, Modern.” If that Tinkerbell dress doesn’t look like something Peter Hook would ejaculate on, I’m gonna be so pissed.
hS: Ken’s throwing shade over salads and Fage.
chid: I haven’t seen this much conflict in Greece since that guy had to learn to ride a motorcycle to impress Michelle Pfeiffer.
hS: He rode that over a kiddie pool, right? Do I have that right? I’m pretty sure it was a kiddie pool. There were tiki torches in the background. I wish I could remember this much detail about actual important things like remembering to do my taxes. Due this month, Suity.
chid: Say what you will about Grease 2, it has better songs and hotter baes than Grease 1.
hS: So our challenge tonight is “Fairy Tales” which is panning out to be Fairy Fails. What’s your favorite tale, chid?
chid: Shark Tale 2.
hS: That Will Smith is living a non-fan fiction fairy tale life with Jada. They have an open relationship like that old PRAllStar Freegan guy.
chid: Jada is the one living a fairy tale life. What about you?
hS: I didn’t get fairy tales as a kid. I got Richard Scarry read to me while I was learning to dump in a training toilet. Lots of happy animal mysteries on travels to exotic locales like Denmark and Botswana and cats always have their tongues out. Of course, as an adult I have an honest and sincere appreciation for any fairy tale containing dwarves.
chid: Zanna in the hipster Gretel matron wear!
hS: She could read me a very grim fairy tale.
chid: Whatever the name of this white hair guy is, his looks bad.
hS: It’s either Kini, Alexander, or Zanna.
chid: Alexander, that one. This show really does have a too-many-people-with-white-hair-Food Network-esq. problem. Emily has the “Snow Queen,” aka Elsa, which is similar to when you buy an unbranded sexy yellow bear with red-t-shirt costume for Halloween.
hS: Kini is doing his wax denim again for Still Alice played by Julianne Moore who was in Safe, which this dress is not right now. Lots of smack talk on Sam again.
chid: I watch this show and I’m like, “NOT ENOUGH CROP TOPS,” you know? It’s like, we all remember the 1990’s film, The Program, and that has informed our sense of style and gender roles accordingly. Now if you’ll excuse me, I fumbled the football again and I need to put my laptop down to pick it up before one of my classmates reports me.
hS: I would never question your masculinity until now.
chid: Layanna is making something that looks cheap and sheet-like.
hS: She’s updating this dress for Belle & Sebastian, right? I suppose if her model mopes down the runway and doesn’t look directly at the camera, the judges or anyone in particular, Layana might be safe. Crying model? Top look.
chid: The fuck is Jet.com?
hS: It was worse on mute. Is it a website or a laser tag show that shoots the tops of heads?
chid: I went to the website and they apparently paid Kumail Nanjiani to be a spokesperson, so there’s that? I love Kumail.
hS: I’m a Veep fan. I don’t watch the West Coast shows. That said, I wish Kumail was a judge tonight. I hear it’s Ke$ha again.
chid: Kumail would be a phenomenal Project Runway Colon All Stars judge. They should experiment with terrible ideas on this show. Have judges who are vision impaired! Have comedians who don’t seem overly interested in fashion! Have a panel of six-year-olds make the decisions. No one watches this shit anyway.
hS: Looking forward to the Buyer’s Challenge with Linda, the thoroughly stressed out buyer from the Akron Dillards. Her divisional merchandise manager is down her throat on her maintain margin, she’s not making end of season plan, and the buyback dollars are long gone. She’s losing her mind and her job. Designers, make shit that sells at her markup or else!
But, no, no one really watches this show. Geico seems to think people do since they styled their storybook ad specifically for this challenge. Good job Geico marketers.
chid: Georgina Chapman is back. Ke$ha again. Some guy named Brad.
hS: Issac Mizrahi just called them “fairies”. Speak for yourself, Isaac. Wait, Rashida Jones is here? I like her for really no reason. Mr. Suitcase hates her, but what does he know? Oh, I’m wrong. Rashida is not judging. Why did someone mention her? Is there an adult or someone here in control of this goddamn show?
chid: Dom made some interesting choices. She’s definitely safe if not in the top.
hS: Didn’t know Moschino was looking for a new creative director, but hey, Dom got the job. Pretty choice for a fashion house that churns out hazard cone and flower print patterned acetate short dresses at $2k a pop.
chid: Alexander’s is as bad as I expected. It’s very boring and not at all Cinderella-y.
hS: Model has to walk—float down the runway in it like the gum chewing alien girl in Mars Attacks.
chid: Ken—what the fuck are you doing, man? That’s so easy. I feel like they’re gonna hate that, too.
hS: Sam’s gonna need a turtle excluder device for his bottom trawl net crop top.
chid: Sam made a puke pinnie.
hS: I can see Julianne Moore wearing Kini’s. Would make that pharmacy scene in Magnolia play a lot different: “I come in here. You don’t know me. You don’t know who I am. How my life is. You have the balls—the indecency to ask me a question about my life? DON’T YOU CALL ME ‘LADY’!”
chid: Asha’s is not to my liking, at all, but there’s so many bad things this week….Yeah, I don’t dislike Kini’s. It’d be impossible to sit down in. Layanna’s looks cheap.
hS: It’s totally from Zara discount bin. Not sure you’ve seen or been to one, chid, but the whole store is one big discount bin. H&M but somehow cheaper. Layana’s is actually one dress tacked to another and wadded deep into the half off rack. Mr. Suitcase and I got in a big fight over Zara because I thought it was the same thing as Max Azria BCGB but I was wrong and had to apologize for making a scene at Tyson’s Corner mall.
chid: I’m surprised Ken was safe, but I guess that’s because there were so many other things that sucked.
hS: We could pick these outfits apart, which would be lots of fun to do with a Swingline® paper trimmer because the sound the blade makes is music to my ears, but who do you think is winning their fairy tale tonight?
chid: Probably what’s her name who did the thing for Tinkerbell.
hS: Dom did that. I think. I should remember these people, but when you got the two on the bottom last week confused, I questioned my judgement.
chid: Alexander’s is maybe the most boring AF. Sam’s is trash, too, but not as boring.
hS: What did Ke$ha use to color her hair? I know she’s been through a lot lately but that’s no reason to use Rit dye and set with urine.
chid: KE$HA DID NOTHING WRONG. Just wait until she puts out her next record and then tours with Modern Baseball and You Blew It! and Dikembe next year.
hS: That guy that looks like Ryan Reynolds that got hit with a gay bomb talks with his hands way too much. Is that how America sees gay people? God, we’re annoying as shit. I’ll call a meeting and get this behavior to stop. In the meantime, I’ll bro out or something butch at softball starting this weekend to offset the excessive mary tonight. Like, I won’t cross my legs while on the bench.
chid: I think Layanna is going home. Bottom 2 two weeks in a row. Sam was trash, but he’s won a few, so they pick off the weaker links. Possibly Alexander.
hS: Alyssa was “insulted” by Sam’s. I’m insulted I had to write in passive voice. I’m betting they catch and release Sam’s mermaid.
chid: I’d like to throw this episode back. The drama never quite boiled over. By my estimation, there are still 6 more weeks of this show.
hS: I dunno if I can take 6 more nights of All Star Designers poking at salads and hissing at and behind each other’s back.
chid: Big win for Asha.
hS: And Rapunzel. I ended up gunning for Dom. Once upon a time a designer made something fun on this show and lived happily ever after.
chid: Sam was safe. Like I predicted.
hS: Just like Dan Bilzerian predicted he’d win his bike challenge. Pyrrhic victory because we’re all the losers in the end.
chid: Alexander is finally gone. Not to throw dirt on his dirty, festering body, but I don’t think I liked a single thing he made. Seems like a nice guy, though.
hS: He’s going to “re-evaluate his designing ‘old’”. I don’t know what that means. Seems like something a not nice person would say, but what do I know. He hasn’t blocked me on Twitter yet like some others have so...
chid: Little Women In LA just came on my TV, Suity. That’s my cue—it’s time for ME to cum on my TV. *JACKS IT WITH RECKLESS ABANDON*