chid: Welcome to the long-awaited, heavily anticipated, Project Runway: All Stars Season V Recap Finale!!!
humanSuitcase: I hope you’ve already pooped, chid, cuz we got a full hour and a half of PRun goodness.
chid: Looks like a lot happened while I was in international waters last week. Sam is gone. Sad.
chid: You know, the young handsome guy who made clothes?
hS: I don’t know what you’re talking about. That big pile of dirty jeans next to the blurry thing in our hero image has always been there.
chid: This week, Alyssa takes the designers to the new World Trade Center for some reason, and tells them they have 4 days to make a collection with $3,000.
hS: Does Mood trade in jet fuel that melts steel beams?
chid: The designers are doing a model draft. What an NFL offseason tie-in. I missed 100% of the NFL Draft Coverage, as I was in an internet-free undisclosed location. Some guy wore a hockey mask or something, I guess.
hS: Gee, I hope Manziel submitted his option in time for this model draft. Possible strong pick for Ken. Not for Dom with his record. Of course.
chid: There’s apparently a wood-paneled, suiting section in Mood that I’ve never seen before.
hS: Menswear sections like furnishings or suiting always have that kind of finish and polish, like they’re all Savile Row or some shit. All Mood’s missing here is the old dude in a 3 piece with a measuring tape draped over his shoulders at the ready to bespoke your suit and peen.
chid: There was an old ethnic man in there who was like, “I am a series of stereotypes rolled together! Where does the penis dangle?”
hS: I’m stoked he took the time to display his Katniss Everdeen pony tail for the viewers at home. Whoa. Dom’s taking over the workroom with her “canvas”. What’s she doing? I was too busy looking up Hunger Games references to notice.
chid: She reinterpreted The Partridge Family bus.
hS: I’ve seen Susan Dey’s titties. They aren’t good.
chid: LIKE YOU WOULD KNOW.
hS: All but one of my friends are straight men so I know what they like in a lady boob.
chid: I hope you screen them out with a multiple-choice slideshow.
hS: Thanks for introducing my poll:
chid: We’re down to Dom, Kini, and Ken, in case you’re reading this recap for actual information. Kini is from Hawaii. I hear they have a lot of beaches and one outstanding literary publication in that state place. Wouldn’t know. Never been.
hS: They also have a good sense of seafood sustainability and responsibility to ocean life. I have no idea why I would know that.
chid: Dom Streater is from Philadelphia, PA, but unlike some people who live there, she actually reads my tweets and hasn’t stopped loving me. She painted fabrics. Generally speaking, she’s been the most consistent designer of the three who are left.
hS: She’s from Philly??? OMG! Say hi to Maury Compson for me, Dom! I miss him.
chid: Is Maury Compson off Twitter still? I hadn’t thought about him in months, and now that you mention him, I miss the way he confounded stupid people.
hS: He should be a judge on this show. This is a tip for PRun producers.
chid: A Behind The Music for deleted Twitter accounts. Imagine the talking head interviews! “Maury was the best and he knew he was the best. No one shit on religious people in a friendly way like Maury did.”
hS: I’m glad we had this chat while Zanna gives our finalists absolutely no help whatsoever til just now in getting other actual designers to make their lines for them.
chid: That’s Zanna’s lane, and she stays in it. Ken Laurence is from Atlanta, Georgia, and he’s allegedly only 26 years old, but I gotta see that birth certificate, Ken, cause I really feel like you’re 26 like El Duque was 26.
hS: So much for “black don’t crack”.
chid: He definitely has the maturity of a 26-year old. He doesn’t look old. He just looks like an adult. Might be in part because he’s bald. I assumed he was closer to 32. Bald guys confuse me. I can’t tell a bald 26-year old from a bald 46-year old in most major cities.
hS: I’m older and have older friends who are bald so I can say that.
chid: Kini made some clown pants that Ken hates. Ken made a banana zoot suit. Dom either made a tube top or her model was just photobombing the camera for some fucking reason.
hS: No fair, that was going to be my line for Ken’s Chiquita branded material.
chid: Apparently at some point while we were talking about bald people, the eliminated designers came back to help out. That’s nice. Good to see white face guy and one of the two indiscernible Layanna/not-Layanna women again.
hS: Oh, Asha is back? And Little Betty Lou hoo? And the other girl? Huh, they’re gone now. What day are we on? Is it time for the sad sack calls from home? Has Kini’s family sent the poi yet? You get poi on what day, 4 or 5?
chid: They’re doing that emotional stakes thing that Project Runway Original Recipe™ does throughout its seasons. Contestants are Skyping with their closest whomevers. It’s not that touching, mostly because due to the break-neck nature of this weekly shitshow, we know next to nothing about these designers.
hS: I know that Dom’s fiance knows how to turn his phone landscape to make his head fit on the laptop. Thank you, Dom’s fiance. You get it, and I get you. And you’re kinda cute. Call me.
chid: Ken just complimented Kini and Dom. It was the nicest moment of this whole series.
hS: Her line is rather Galeries Lafayette. Bunch of mall looks, but a French mall. I also see an old suh-suh-Studio Line by L’Oreal volumizing spray and mousse commercial.
chid: The nice thing about this 90-minute finale is that really lets us spend 11 minutes with the hair and makeup guys and the Chinese Laundry shoe store and the Baublebar accessory wall. Also, we get 50% more vaginal mesh commercials.
hS: Holding out for the fingerhut.com. Come on, Fingerhut. Don’t let me down.
chid: Apparently no woman has ever won Project Runway: All Stars. I’m rooting for you, Dom. I believe you are equal and can also win a terrible reality show.
hS: I believe in you, too, Hunger Games’ Rue.
chid: They just showed a commercial for a new Bobby Flay challenge show called “Beat Bobby Flay,” which is really a less mean-spirited version of his former show Throwdown. Remember that show? Where Bobby Flay, internationally famous chef, millionaire, and cocksmith, would travel the country and in 24-hours, come up with a recipe to defeat some elderly woman who made the best waffles or the best fried chicken or whatever the fuck? He wanted ALL the accolades.
hS: The easiest way to beat Bobby Flay is make him read a book. Little known true fact: He’s illiterate.
chid: Dom’s up first on the runway. Her collection is mod stripes, Japanese inspired kimono wear, hand-painted silks, and unforgivable eye makeup.
hS: “I’ll take 10,000 units of Unflattering #2. 5500 units of Unflattering On The Bias #3. If I buy Unflattering #4, will I get a discount? Know what? Throw in whatever ya got in the menswear unit, and I’ll take the whole line but I’m getting fucking free shipping.” mutters the Macy’s Bridge line buyer in the audience.
chid: I didn’t dislike Dom’s collection. It was cohesive. It looked like clothes.
hS: There wasn’t much shape to the first one, but honestly, she should win because it’s more premium than what these other jokers are offering.
chid: Ken is up next. I haven’t seen anything new in his collection. These look like things you can already buy.
hS: Oops, Ken’s Very Flattering #2 outfit is pretty killer. Ralph Lauren has made millions of Ken’s first look in every colorway so that’s out. The rest is fairly uninspired black on black on black on alligator. What the hell where you thinking, Ken, that model’s tits look crazy (see poll above).
chid: There were some decent looks there. If the judges want stuff that looks like existing stuff, Ken will win.
hS: Yeah, made fun of that whole yellow branding earlier, but okay, it works very well within this whole line. Especially the Dole banana one with the open back. This shit probably would sell at a higher price point than Dom’s, but I’m not sure what the challenge was since I was watching the Hunger Games series while this was on.
chid: Yeah, the yellow was the least of his problems. That deep V dress he made literally looks like the t-shirt he’s been wearing in his confessional interviews all season.
hS: Yeah, throw that in the bin or give it to some old woman at Talbot’s at 25% off. They’ll buy any covering on sale.
chid: I’ve never seen a collection of Kini’s work before. It’s actually nauseating. I don’t know what I was expecting, but this is exactly what he did all season.
hS: He loves that side flourish shit avec waxy sheen. Marie Claire judge isn’t too happy with it. I’m with her glower.
chid: If they want to reward risk, Kini could win. His stuff makes Dom’s look safe in comparison.
hS: Zanna Roberts Rassi, born of God’s mentholated cough, ate all that shit up. Meh. I like Kini, but—CHRIS MARCH! AWW!
chid: I saw Dmitry and I cried tears of sadness. I love you, Dmitry. I love you, Fabio. Eat it, Laura Geller.
hS: That woman has chewed on a dirty butthole once or twice in her life.
chid: Still 26 minutes left in this episode and season. Who do you think is winning? Who is losing?
hS: Sam is Isaac’s write-in vote so I’ll go with that. J/K!!!!11! It’s Dom for the win. Kini for the loss. Maybe it’s Ken. I don’t know. We all know who the real losers are. That’s right. You know. You all know.
chid: They just showed a commercial for a movie where Jennifer Aniston plays a mother. I’ve never seen an actress in a less believable role.
hS: I’m pretty sure Jennifer Aniston has handled a child before. She’s handed one or two to a nanny, right.
hS: Hmmm...maybe Dom’s not the winner. Her line looks cohesive, but some real shapeless stuff up there. Almost dirty. I think I like the idea of her winning more than her actually winning. What’s important here though is what Grace Adler has to say about these designers and their looks. Hint: They’re all awesome, and she’d personally wear everything including the menswear pieces.
chid: Seems like the judges weren’t overwhelmed by Dom. They seemed to like her collection, but not love it. Alyssa was the biggest fan. She was a real “Dom Stan,” which is a stupid fucking verbal internet tick people are using in everyday speech now.
hS: I don’t know what that means. I may be old, but I’m not bald. Like some of my friends. I’m really digging Ken’s #2 Valentino-esque look. Marie Claire called the leggings “yoga pants”. She clearly has never done yoga or bought Lululemon or any Athleisure or she’d know those are simply cropped pants. Where’s Sam when you need him?
chid: Seems like the judges were even harder on Ken.
hS: Yeah, that’s crap. His shit would sell in a New York minute which is where they are. Guess they forgot they started this episode in One World Trade Center.
Marie Claire sees a real 80s story in Kini’s. I see Merry Go Round derivative or stolen from the set of Brazil.
chid: Isaac had an interesting take on Kini’s collection, which was that it was out there and creative, but not truly risky enough. I’d accept that. They had high-praise for him, possibly the highest praise, because his collection was the most unique.
Hold up, there’s gonna be a Lifetime Original Movie about Kevin Durant’s mom on Saturday night? If I wasn’t going to a show, I would strongly consider recapping that.
hS: Watching that promo on mute was the best thing for me. Your show tickets must be non-refundable. Hasn’t there been a commercial for Stubhub, Ticketclub, or Scorebig? I love you, Ticket Oak.
chid: Never gonna give up these tix, Suity. I had to stab someone in international waters for them.
hS: Guess you didn’t think to take pictures of that moment for me, did you? No one ever remembers my wound fetish.
I think Marie Claire’s editor-in-chief is in the bag for Kini. She dissed on Ken saying all women already have all of his outfits in their closet or know where to get them, and Kini is showing what they didn’t know yet. I guess I respect that statement.
chid: The judges deliberated for nine more minutes. I suspect Kini won and Ken lost.
hS: Ken’s second runner up? What’s that even mean? “You’re third and the most winning loser today!” How’s that gratifying?
chid: I was right about Ken—third place. Sorry Ken.
Dom won. THIS IS AN HISTORIC MOMENT FOR PRUN COLON ALL STARS.
hS: Holy fucking shit, Little Rue won! What a relief. Will her cute fiancé be showing up on the runway? I’m for that—oh, scratch that, it’s just Zanna with booze.
chid: Boozy Zanna sounds like a blast. I bet she tells all sorts of celebrity gossip. She probably has great stories about Robbie Williams in the 1990s.
hS: I wouldn’t know since she won’t return my calls, emails, tweets or my nightly John Cusack Say Anything moments in her driveway.
chid: Two seasons over! And just in time, too, as I’ll be drinking pineapple soda on the streets of northern California next week. We made it, Suity! It’s the offseason. Time for us to rest on our laurels and leave Sidespin dot Kinja dot com alone for nine months of R&R.
hS: We’re gonna rack up all the Kinja stars for our hard work this and past seasons.
chid: See you later, dickbags.
hS: How does this end? Do we just say “the end”? Don’t want to just leave our one or two readers hangi—
chid: I SAID SEE YOU LATER, DICKBAGS.