Roundup - Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Settle in, girls and boys, because we got a gooood Roundup for you tonight. Looks like everyone took their vitamins today, because holy shit I was howling. Let's round 'em up!

Favorites and Duds from Today's Commenting

Favorites, in no particular order:

What a way to start off the morning. Someone named JakeTheSnake offered up a breath of fresh air in the Cliff Lee post that's the niftiest among a number of solid efforts.

It seems that SavetoFavorites couldn't get Andrelton Simmons out of his head earlier, and so returned for a second stab that holds echoes of last week's top favorite. You know they say "insanity is hitting yourself in the head with a hammer to get rid of your headache" right, StF?

So I guess any story related to Michael Sam or Tony Dungy or Michael Sam and Tony Dungy will become a quagmire within ten minutes. Great. What's so fucked up about all of the Very Important Points that need to be made is that they're all the same shit piles, just of varying colors, consistencies, and odors. And Christ, bald hypocrisy like Dungy's is such a great mine for joke-making. Anyway. I'm a big fan of Pleatherface's longish effort in the Olbermann takedown, especially because of the midstream hairpin that spins Dungy's response into unawares ogling of the male nude. And the Body Issue tie-in? What the hell, Pf.

girlwonder returns twice to the favorites, first with this excellent fuck-you to the state of Florida in the Casey McGehee thing. gw can spin one-liners with the best of you assholes, and always with this sort of sinister darkness that makes you back away slightly before typing "+1." Take for instance her later submission in the Peyton Manning Dadness post that drew a breathless "oh, god" from Your Curator. Excellent stuff, g-dub.

Here's StuartScottsEye with a wonderful point-and-grunt knock in the Dan Borislaw story. That line is of the type a certain DougExeter could be proud.

Two favorites in Petchesky's Legitimizing Bigotry post. First up, Pleatherface returned from lunch for a tidy continuation/attribution joke that fits quite well within the past two days' chicanery. Next, marmol heater wrote one of the best Idiot joke/wordplay gag/Emmitt Smith knocks I've ever seen. Like, holy hell, it's so goddamn simple and perfect. Have a Comment of the Day, why don't you?

I rather liked BloodGames' grand build-up gimmick in the Saban-Spurrier screencap, if only because I have it on good authority that Nick Saban wears human skin in the privacy of his home. Also, goddammit, rubdirtinittakealap, this awful photoshop is just so ridiculous.

In Same Sad Echo news, resident moron-stupid-head penned one of the sillier dialogue jokes I've seen out of him, which is saying a lot. I don't know if it's because of SSE's overall delivery that I start laughing almost immediately when he publishes a comment, but the very first line of that one had me stitches.

Bringing us home this evening is OldBeigeGuy, who dropped a very erudite zinger down in the Clint Trickett Dumb Joke blurb.

Total Fucking Duds

Okay. Everyone sit down. I talked to Shitehawk about chupacabra69 earlier today—who, yes, I know, is getting on quite a few people's nerves—and asked whether I should do a longform takedown under the duds heading, or an extended listing of his comments with a bunch of "get fucked" imperatives, or simply ask one of the writers to ban him. The shit of it all is that Petchesky already called him out under his extremely creative titz69 handle, which, if ever there was a standard-bearer name for Yahoo!-level neanderthalism, I can't think of one better. Instead what I'll do is cull out the one comment that typifies this fucker's entire I-got-a-middling-C-in-logic-101-at-directional-state-community-college comment history. So, chupacabra69, you find casual, lazy, adolescent misogyny funny? Congratulations. You're lower than the dregs of internet sports commenters. You're the negative inverse of PFTCommenter, the shtick for which PFTCommenter exists. You're the imbecile-fuckhead King of willful ignorance, false equivalency, and noxious boredom. You spew myopic, malodorous logorrhea as a species of "argument," which isn't argument at all, but simply emotional masturbation dressed up as correct and informed opinion. Keep stroking that jaundiced, crooked, and gnarled rod of a cock-brain, you twit, and you'll get your ass shot into Kinja outer space soon enough.

[massages arthritic hands; spits wildly at computer screen out of impotent rage] Looks like I have to stop here. There was very much funny out there today, and I'm sure I left out some of your personal favorites. I invite you to link to those below in the "Replies" section, or, if you have any opinions about, say, Tony Dungy's remarks regarding Michael Sam, you can go fuck yourself. Voltaire out.