‘Mail’ is an alternate spelling for the gender of Sidespin dot com’s readers and contributors.

As always, these questions are real and uncut. If you’d like to be part of next month’s mailbag, email me at chidspin@gmail.com (I will redact your last name), or tweet @CHIDSPIN with the hashtag #imastupidlosermailbag.

So, CHID is now a cyborg? is it CHID or chid? - packman_jon

No. Like christ before me in the Catholic tradition, I am fully robot and fully human. I am 200% of thing.

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I prefer “chid,” because I like to think of myself as the ee cummings of stupid bullshit no one asked for.

am I late to the mailbag? follow up: where is the best place to find beautiful women who want to make the sex?- DingoDen

You are right on time, my friend. The question about beautiful women is one many have pondered. Probably you’re searching for the wrong thing. There are tons of communities where sex is no big deal (subreddits, Craigslist, my loud, middle-aged neighbor’s apartment). There are also communities where beautiful women are plentiful (Southern California, Manhattan, fashion events). Perhaps you need to narrow your search criteria to more effectively find what you are looking for! It’s like this, Dingo. When I’m Bing’ing, I don’t start out by searching, “What’s the easiest way to clean my own blood off my trousers without using bleach, because the trousers are tan, and bleach spots would ruin the trousers, I know because I’ve used bleach before when I just bing’ed ‘how do I clean good’ and that pair of trousers is tan and white all over now and this pair cost me $19.99 at Old Navy thanks for your time, Bing?” No. I Bing “Sack blood on pants. Help clean?” You just need to find your own Bing method!

What’s the best way to murder @GRUNGEBANJO?- @rubdirtinit

Like my mother always said, the best way to kill someone is with kindness. Bake him cakes. Let him stay in bed all day every day. Do his job for him. Pay all his bills. Bake him pies. Give him massages. Take him out for burgers and fries three times daily. Make him so comfortable and lethargic, that he never leaves his bed, weighs 1800 lbs and dies of massive heart attack. What a life!

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do you ever get so much mail that you wish you had more #imastupidlosermailbags?- @Winky_Dinky_Dog

No.

why didn’t you answer my question from last week?- @CurtisWenis

I missed it. Sorry, Curtis. I’m bad at everything I do. Especially giving advice. If it makes you feel any better, nobody likes me.

Excuse me robot, can you direct the the smart winner mailbag?- @IcecoldDavis

I think this is a brain teaser, and even when I Bing’ed it for the answer, all that came up was a link to the Castle Couch Podcast (don’t know what that is), the “God” page on wikiquote (ditto), and this Upworthy-style story on Wired.com from 2014. To answer your question, no. I can’t.

1. If someone in encountering a ‘take a penny/ leave a penny’ tray has dumped all of his or her change from a transaction into it, who should get to take it?

2. If a radio station had a high enough tower, would their signal reach an entire hemisphere?

3. If you don’t know, why are you volunteering to answer? Think About THAT. - MM

1. Whomever has the audacity of hope. Remember, this is still Obamanation, and his word is law.

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2. If a radio station had a high enough tower, the signal would reach an entire galaxy. Why this is not being explored as the primary scientific endeavor for humanity is frankly beyond me. Think of all the Creed the other planets have been deprived of!

3. Truth is subjective and can only be discovered through investigation. When I was a young man, I had the thoughts and desires of a young man. I wanted to be cool like a young man. Now that I’m older, many things that I hated impress me, and most of the things I thought were cool seem vapid and meaningless.

There was a girl who moved to my town when I was 11. She drew pictures of unicorns and had crazy hair, and seemed not to give a fuck about anything. All the other kids hated her. They made fun of her unicorns and her crazy hair and her name. She moved away after half a school year. All of us shitty kids saw it as a victory. In my town/city/state, if you were not enough like everyone else, you were an object of ridicule. I grew up and my interests changed and I experienced the weight of that ridicule for standing out in my own way. I don’t know where that person is now, but she is probably a cool someone I would have loved to have had as a friend when I was 16/17/18/19/20/21/22/23/24...etc.

My dear chid:

What’s the best way to gently part ways with an emotionally fragile young employee who is getting kinda blackmaily?

Your pal,

Samuel

This is a real doozy, Samuel. I’d recommend becoming a Notary Public first. Then, stay late one night and write and notarize a new company charter, putting yourself in command and defecting the company and all its employees from the United States. The next morning, gather everyone in your office around your desk. Tell them it will take only a moment of their time. Include the blackmaily-one as well. Then say this to the gathered masses, “Effective immediately, I mutiny this company and place myself in full command. HR is fired. Everyone now reports to me. I have changed and ratified the company charter so that this is allowed. We have also withdrawn from the United States of America and are now our own, sovereign nation. Anyone who speaks against me will be burned as a witch. No questions will be answered at this or any time.”

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That will definitely get you fired before anyone has time to dig into the blackmail allegations!