One of the biggest mistakes you can make in the business world is hiring a millennial. It should be avoided at all costs. Chuck Robbins, CEO of Cisco, says, “hiring a millennial and expecting them to succeed is like hiring one of those capuchin monkeys that has to wear a diaper”.

In today’s PC world, hiring millennials can be a necessary evil. We attempted to explore how you can drag some value out of those pathetic sacks of shit.

Employee Engagement-

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Millennials will never stop talking about things that happened in the 90s. They will share listicles, pictures, and blogs with “trends” from the 90s. Try to engage with them and prove that you remember those krazy times too. You can talk about

· Slap Bracelets

· Pogs

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· Calvin and Hobbes

· The Sarin gas attack in the Tokyo Subway

· The Bosnian Genocide

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· Milli Vanilli’s lip synch scandal

Show you can handle your own, and you’ll be well on your way to figuring out that twisted over-pampered brain.

Competition-

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The millennials grew up in a world where everyone got a participation award. While kids in Malaysia were busy crafting the iconic “Air Jordan” brand, American youths were LITERALLY taking watery shits on their baseball gloves and still getting a trophy. Reignite this fire with your millennials. Find an old quarry and smash all their trophies to bits. Then, using a gas powered tamping device, grind the trophies to a fine powder. (Side note: For this next part, you will need your .38 snub nose!). Pull out a .38 from the waistband of your cargo sweatpants and level the pistol at the millennial’s temple. Demand they start snorting up the trophy dust. When the millennial snorts enough and starts crying blood, shoot yourself in the stomach to show him it was only rock salt. Start screaming that people in older generations were way tougher and fought Hitler.

Harnessing Technology-

After you spend 14 weeks in the hospital with a septic gunshot wound, it’s going to be time to start driving some ROI out of that millennial (Provided they are still at the company and didn’t run off to start a kickstarter campaign for edible gameboys). Ok let’s begin by- FUCK! How can you work when they’re always on that smart phone! That piece of shit is always glued to their eyeballs. Since your trusty .38 is in a police evidence locker, you’ll need to grab the fire extinguisher for this next part. Drive the fire extinguisher into the millennials head repeatedly until they are incapacitated (And no longer talking about that GOD FORSAKEN Silicon Valley show). Now, Go to your local hardware store and get 40-50 ounces of Loctite Epoxy. Tie their hands together with rope, and then cover their hands with epoxy. You should be shouting about Union busters while you do this. Your dad and uncle never gave a red cent to that crook Kennedy. When the millennial wakes up, (Nap much 90’s kids?) the epoxy will have hardened in a club around their hands, and they will be unable to operate their smart phone. Congratulations, you have harnessed technology and started making some true ROI.

Social-

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Work hard, play hard. You might hear your millennial say this through the jaw he got surgically wired shut. Even on their worst days, millennials love to socialize. Using a variety of dating applications, they will find hook ups, dates, and occasionally, love. Apparently, meeting freak-show pedophiles in cyber space is better than stealing a woman’s car keys at the bar so she needs a ride home. The apps are simple, your millennial uploads a picture of themselves, (Before their traumatic brain injury!) and you let the matches flood in. Your millennial will use Emojicons to have fake sex with the person, and potentially even score naked pictures of their new friend! Once you are satisfied with the social experience your millennial had, take their phone to the local dive bar and crack stick with your buddies in the bathroom while laughing about how much tougher things were in 1983.

If you play your cards right, your millennial will be a functional cog in the bowels of your company that you can grind into dust over the course of three decades. Most importantly, have fun!