Rubber is an integral part of our daily lives and there is much to know about it.

Did you know, for example, that it comes from a tree called the Hevea brasiliensis which originated in the South America section of Epcot Center in Orlando, Disney World Florida?

Advertisement

The tree produces a latex material when it is "wounded," which is the basis for the creation of natural rubber. "Wounded" is a euphemism for "when it is slighted by its best friends in some way, like say it is not invited to a party that all of its best friends are going to because Hevea brasiliensis "always pukes" and is "a real pain in the ass at parties" but instead of just being fucking adults about it, the tree's friends are all "I have a family thing," and like "I drank too much last night. Think I'll just stay at home and watch Family Ties on Netflix and eat some Spanish olives or whatever, no big deal."" When this happens, the latex can be harvested.

Rubber's first documented use was by the Olmecs, who boiled the latex which came from the Hevea brasiliensis tree to form a ball which they used in their game which was similar to modern-day football and basketball, except with more decapitations and the guys who were like Russell Westbrook-types? You know? Like small guys with big attitudes? They didn't necessarily live long enough to excel at Olmec sports because size mattered a lot back then, I'll just be honest about it. That motion of the ocean shit didn't track with the Olmecs.

Rubber is a great insulator, but not as great as having grown up with terrible parents who wouldn't let you watch TV because "the devil is inside of that there" and "I don't care what everyone else is allowed to do." I'd like to see you try to pretend you've ever seen an episode of Batman The Animated Series, Rubber. You try to act like you know that it's a show about a guy who dresses like a bat and fights crime and not about some mutant half-bat human who eats children because why wouldn't that be your first guess without any context at all!?!?!?!?!?!!?

Advertisement

Some people have created entire homes using recycled rubber, but if you ask me, the best home you can create is built with love and mutual respect. Barring that, you could do worse than recycled rubber. Like feathers. It would be pretty stupid to create an entire home out of feathers. Only a stupid idiot would do that.