Occasionally I get utterly lost on youtube, spiralling down an endless mineshaft of nonsense and drivel, only to find something so abhorrent that it demands to be shared with you, the dozens of loyal Sidespin readers.
In July, I introduced you to The Dumbest Person On Youtube, and naturally, wasted a few hours of my own watching the videos and considering the plight of a person so consumed in their own idiocy that they'd commit themselves to such a wasteful cause.
Today, I return with a person who would give our conspiracy theorist friend a run for her money and coupons.
From what I can gather, Matt Hosseinzadeh lives in Southern California and has an expendable income that he wastes on producing decent quality videos of himself entangled in fictional misogynistic pursuits that would make the biggest of douche bags proud. These videos, 21 of which can be found on his Youtube page, The Matt Hoss Zone, combine forced dialogue, chauvinistic rhetoric and most amazingly - wait for it - parkour! The first video I watched, the seminal smash-hit Bold Guy Vs. Parkour Girl, begins with a sequence of conversation between Hosseinzadeh and a young women that had me considering the value of my eyes and ears. Let's watch:
Without getting into a thorough analysis of what attracts a man to a woman, my bet is that this munchkin in a sleeveless hoodie wouldn't have a chance in hell with that woman. Having said that, I've never spoken to a woman with a similar modicum of prejudice and objectification, so I am by no means an expert on the matter.
Fuck this guy. He's a 40-something wet beach towel drenched in Axe and draped over the aftermarket spoiler of a Hyundai Tiburon.
Imagine you've recently injured yourself, and you have a massive scab on your leg. You begin to tear the hodgepodge of flesh and coagulated blood free, despite realizing that it will only cause you more pain to do so. This is an ideal segue into his next video, You Banged My Sister (Bold Guy + Parkour):
Here we find the protagonist reprising his role as Bold Guy, except this time, instead of chasing a 'piece of ass', he's running from the brother of a woman who he presumably slept with. As with his other videos, some novice parkour inexplicably plays a major role.
Midway through the video, The Hoss is cornered by the brother and an arm-wrestling match breaks out on an overturned Rubbermaid storage bin that has the structural integrity of an empty box of straws, in the middle of the street no less. Once it's revealed that the brother is gay, the video changes it's tone into one of queer-bashing and sophomoric homophobic one-liners. In the end, all fears are assuaged as Hosseinzadeh's character - if it even is a character and not his actual persona - realizes that even the gay brother is attracted to him. Fuck me, this shit is awful.
Finally, to complete the holy trinity of youtube abortions comes Son Of A Milf (Bold Guy + Mystery Girl + Parkour).
With nary a doubt I can say that this is the dumbest person on Youtube in the dumbest video on Youtube. Where the hell does he find the time/assistance/women/sedatives/rohypnols to produce such complete and utter garbage?
Here we find the Bold Guy leaving the library as he spots a young lady consistent with those in his other videos. Again, Hosseinzadeh is found wearing a sleeveless hoodie, this time unzipped to reveal a Persian mohair sweater of ball sweat and lint shrapnel. In searching for the young lady, The Hoss encounters a man with another man mystifyingly on a leash, and a chase begins as the man is informed that his mother was another victim of Hosseinzadeh's swarthy charm and tiny penis. Like clockwork, our misogynist hero sheds his shirt and his pursuants and manages to stumble upon a woman whom he later beds in the sequel to the episode.
Even with wasting another chunk of an hour watching these videos and subsequently writing this crap, I'm amazed that anyone would value their time even less than myself. Should you too fancy the chance to waste your life as I much as I do my own, there's another 18 videos of the like and comment sections ripe with inane comments and even more absurd replies from Hosseinzadeh himself. Thanks for reading.