The sandwich may very well be the perfect food. It’s easy to make, portable, it includes many options from the Food Pyramid, and more often than not, you are the one who is making it. That makes you both the producer and the consumer, thus eliminating the middle man. Unless of course you have Kuato sticking out of your midsection, then you have a middle man. However there is only one way to make a sandwich properly. This means you put the cheese on the top.

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You may choose any bread you like. You can pick Wonder Bread, that fancy-ass artisan bread (if that’s actually a thing), sourdough, rye (my favorite), or any other type. You choose the condiments. You choose the meat, you choose the vegetables, and you choose the cheese. My personal favorite is Swiss, so that automatically makes it the best/right cheese. Build the sandwich however you want, but make sure the cheese goes on top.

Scientific studies have shown that if you are the type of person who puts cheese on the bottom of your sandwich, you are 81% more likely to demonstrate antisocial behaviors including, but not limited to: extreme mania, spontaneous ennui, engorged conversation, excess timidity, fraudulent acceptance, and jaundice. These are just a few of the physical manifestations of Inverted Cheese Disorder. Imagine the social stigma of being the only one of your peer group who suffers from ICD. The ramifications are stunning. One moment you’re engaged in a hot game of Cards Against Humanity (oooh, I know just what to do with my “Anne Frank’s Bleached Starfish” card!), and the next you’re taking a bite out of a sandwich and your friends are staring at you like you dry humped the ottoman. Again.

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If you want to live a life of quiet dignity, please remember when making and eating a sandwich, the cheese belongs on top. If it was good enough for Jesus (a known lover of sandwiches), then it’s good enough for you.