This is a sports story, I suppose.

A little background: When my friends and I were in 7th and 8th grade, we never lost a basketball game. In fact, we never won a game by single digits. We boat-raced every fucking team we played. All we cared about was beating the hell out of every team we faced.

Then came high school. All we cared about was beating the hell out of every team we faced... In football. My Jr. year of football we were 9-0 (10-1) overall. I tell you this because it kind of plays into the following story.

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We were on a trip to a varsity basketball game an hour away. Definitely long enough to sneak a snuff without our coach noticing.

I was a gym aide for our coach for an hour a day that particular semester, so of course we'd talk all the time and he knew I was getting new basketball shoes

I ended up with these Penny Hardaway's.

During the bus ride, he hollered to me to check out my new shoes, so I threw him one. I watched as he inspected it from all angles, feeling the sock-like insert...... THEN

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My heart sunk to depths it hasn't been to since. I must have been white as a ghost.

I hid my can of chew in one of the shoes. I searched frantically through my duffle bag, found the other shoe, and reached through that shoe with the force of Scorpion performing a finishing move in Mortal Kombat. Oh no oh no oh no oh no. I gave him the shoe with the can of chew in it. FUCK

Good thing I didn't play much, because I would've been more useless than usual. Now, the reason I stated what our football record was earlier, is because we hadn't won a game up to this point in basketball. We were like 0-16. We were winning this one! All I could think of the entire game was, "PLEASE WIN THIS SO THE COACH WILL BE HAPPY AND NOT REPORT ME." Guess what happened? Up one with three seconds to play, we're in-bounding under their basket. Yup, my buddy threw it right to the other team and they laid it in. A Steal By Bird moment.

I thought for sure that I was going to be suspended for 1/3 of the season which would mean that I'd need to run track to not have the suspension carry over to football season the next Fall.

I went to class with my coach the next day, just dreading the moment he would have to sit me down and tell me I was suspended.

The man never said a fucking word.

However, I did get some comeuppance: Take a look at those shoes again. See that little loop on the back? It rubbed on my Achilles and tore some skin off. I got a staph infection.

I hate those fuckin shoes.