You idiots have really done it this time. Good luck finding someone else to run the rest of this dumpster fire.
The people have spoken and Train moves on. We’re definitely not mad, we’re just outside chopping lumber so we can be ready for winter.
But at this point we say goodbye to the Round of 64 and welcome in the Round of 32. New round? New post. All voting, schedules, and regularly scheduled #CONTENT will be found here.
Again, if you are looking for polls and are on this page, you are lost. GO HERE. Once more:
THE NEXT ROUND OF POLLS WILL BE HERE. Starting Monday.
And now, we’ll say farewell to some of our favorites we lost in the first round.
nss: So many songs brought so much to the table in the first round, but there’s none I’ll miss less than “Lovefool.” If you’re tired of hearing about Lovefool, IT’S NOT SO FUN WITH THE SHOE ON THE OTHER FOOT, IS IT?!?!?! We’ll stop when you cry. When you cry, you pray and you beg, “LOVE ME!! LOV
RM: So John Mayer’s breathy “Daughters” is dead, a song about how he wants to make sex on your daughter. It may be gone, but this song might be applicable to you down the road in 15-20 years when Mayer tries to get down and dirty with your daughter, provided she fits a few requirements. But in the meantime: be good to her.
nss: Good bye, Lifehouse, owner of the stupidest name for a band in this bracket, and first man out of a division you didn’t belong in. We gave you your best chance in nu-metal because we we couldn’t bring ourselves to drop Train or “Rude” from Queefcore. But you found a way to blow it - just like every other chance you’ve had thus far.
RM: SR-71’s “Right Now,” an unflushed toilet full of piss, is no more. “She clings to me like cellophane/fake plastic submarine” was easily in the top 5 of worst lyrics in this entire bracket.
nss: Good night, Soulja Boy Tell’um. For the sake of bedding everywhere, I hope no one ever tells you “good morning.”
RM: I knew “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)” didn’t really stand a chance against a song about killing people or whatever. But let’s be frank: this song is a goddamn mess. From the Def Leppard tribute / nonsense phrase “untem gliben, glaussen, glauben” at the beginning, to chastising unnamed wannabes, to showing the bands proficiency in Spanish counting for some reason - this song was “Sk8er Boi” for teenage boys. And now it’s gone.
RM: (Speaking of “Sk8er Boi,” you guys let your Bieber hatred get in the way of actually judging this correctly. I can’t wait to see Avril Lavigne perform at my local country fair in a few years! Uh huh, life’s like this!)
nss: Farewell, “Fat Lip.” You just wanted to appeal to someone and found a taker in our bracket. But so we’re clear - you weren’t a victim of conformity, you were a victim of inability.
RM: Oh, Eamon. You softboy with aggressive lyrics. If we look at your catalog, like ¾ of your songs are about being cheated on. Yeesh. But now, we too leave you for someone else.
nss: Rest in peace “Face Down,” the most fitting exit for a song that instigates a fight before saying “no we’re cool.” May one of your members eventually get their own Wikipedia page.
RM: Artists asks us to do a great many things. Sometimes they ask us to empathize. Other times they ask us to recall a time of pain or happiness in our lives. Sometimes they just want to see our thongs. Goodbye, Sisqo.
nss: Rest in peace Shawn Mullins. You famously compared Nashville to Los Angeles by saying you couldn’t play a gig “in this town.” I suppose that makes everywhere a lot like Los Angeles at this point.
RM: “It Wasn’t Me” was such a stupid song about denying everything despite all evidence to the contrary. However, if you listen hard it really is quite beautiful. Nah, I’m just fuckin’ with you. See ya later, Shaggy.
nss: You weren’t long for this world, Ricky Martin. We’ll remember you, but only when we’re running out of the room during rhythm method’s karaoke sessions.
RM: In an alternate timeline “Rude” gets through on the strength of it’s faux reggae sensibilities (Wikipedia calls MAGIC! a Canadian reggae fusion band, I shit you not), and its story about a guy who thinks tradition is important - but you know what? Maybe it isn’t. MAGIC! also has a single called “Don’t Kill the Magic.” Ha ha, you guys did!
nss: Last but not least - man oh man: “Fireflies.” No matter how many kids I have, never again will I know this level of disappointment. You had the terrible vocals, the hackneyed lyrics, the over-extension and popularity, the needlessly sauced-up yet completely forgettable production, the lack of integrity, the blatant plagiarism, the relentless THIRST... just a veritable smorgasbord of hateable things that precluded the scorn of no one. So today, as I kneel in the rain-drenched grass beside your shallow grave in the potter’s field, I’ll mourn the one departure that came far too soon. You were too unironically bad for this. “Hey Soul Sister” may not be the bad song we need, but it’s the bad song we deserve. Sleep now, sweet prince.
Your Final Round of 32 Bracket:
- Thank You’s: Thank you to those who submitted nominees, playlists, Gerse for hosting the challenge, @blairdow for designing our Twitter logo, Sidespin for TKTKTK, and the staff at Deadspin for your tireless efforts.