Well, we’re done here. We (well nss) wondered aloud if the Grammys could be good, and we got a resounding answer: no. The Grammys cannot be good. Here’s our transcript of this garbage event conducted by garbage people.
RM: It’s Record of the Year first, and it’s gonna be Beyonce. SHIT NO IT ISN’T.
nss: Well I had Adele going for Record of the Year. So I don’t care. This was hers to lose, in my opinion. This is still a sales-based category. No shock. Adele is chastising the producers for cutting off her writer, and apparently thinks she’s bigger than these awards, which is pissing me off. She also just shouted out Beyonce, which I am 100% sure Beyonce did not appreciate, because she does not need the pity of white chicks who can’t sing a fucking George Michael song.
It’s Album now, here we go:
...And it’s Adele. I’m done here. Any last words?
RM: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ALLOWED?
nss: This is fucking garbage. Wait a minute, is Adele turning this down? Also she just swore again. This is fucking bizarre and I am not not-mad.
RM: She made Beyonce cry so who the fuck are we to judge I guess. Wow that was pretty good as far as speeches go. Felt authentic. Welp see you.
nss: I just want to go to bed. Fuck the Grammys. This show is awful. I am sorry I said the Grammys could ever possibly be good. They had 50 things they could do correctly and picked one: Chance for new artist. Great fucking job. We’ll end it on that.
RM: The worst joke of the night was making me think Kanye West was going to come out. Eat shit James. I actually got excited. Now II am listening to a guy lecture me about being a good boy. I’m already a good boy, you shit. I am nude, I am red, and I am mad.
Nss: James Corden just owned me. What a fucking prick. Kanye is not here. At least, Kanye is not yet here. This is straight violence though. Recording Stiff in a Suit just talked about the need for legal reform for musicians. I guarantee that does not apply to sampling, where it is certainly needed most, because people who sample are thieves because they are black. OK, looks like the reel of those we lost is on deck here.
RM: John Legend singing one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists of all time is still not making me happy.
nss: Why are they singing this? Serious question. No Beach Boys died. Go with one of the songs from those who did. Go with Hallelujah! Oh shit one of the Memphis Horns died, thats a bummer. Big applause for the crowd for some of the international guys.
RM: Guy Clark is pretty cool for a guy no one really knows.
nss: Big applause for The Greatest. Unexpected entry here, but thoughtful. Side note, there’s a lot of people who don’t like John Legend, I have zero fucking idea why. He is absolutely murdering “God Only Knows” which is a tough song without a backup arrangement or harmonies.
RM: I could go on and on about how much I love that song and Brian Wilson but I’ll stop myself and say yes JL did a great rendition of it. Haunting and sparse. I’d listen to the full version more than once. First performance of the night where I could say that tbh.
nss: As far as an audio only thing? Yeah I’d agree. What have you thought of the whole event so far? What have you thought of Corden?
RM: It’s meh. Corden is meh to not good. The jokes are hacky and forced. He’s wooden and stiff. Jimmy Kimmel would be much better. So would Fallon. Guess those guys are busy.
Nss: I haven’t been impressed by Corden. Can’t disagree with your criticism. I suppose in some ways it depends on what you want in your hosts. I would probably take him over Billy Crystal and LL Cool J but aside from that… We’re on to the big ones here. You ready hombre?
RM: Fuck Bruno Mars (Peter Gene Hernandez). Everyone is going to pretend like this is great. Whatever man it’s just whatever.
nss: If Bruno Mars just became a frontman for a casino cover band I think that would be fine. They make a decent living I’m sure.
RM: He is the world’s best Karaoke singer. He can write decent songs. They’d all be better if someone else sang them.Tiny ass bitch.
nss: Here’s what our voters thought.
44% Gaga, 17% Bee Gees, and 26% Bruno Mars / Prince (oops, we didn’t end this on time). I gotta give this to The Prince tribute, by a mile. Mars wasn’t personally a disaster, but they had months to plan an exciting tribute. They had this over the top thing for the Bee Gees, and just shuffle Mars out there to do one song and are done with it. Again, this is the farce of the Grammys. “We want lots of people to hype our Bee Gees programming.” “Sir Prince just died.” “Shuffle Bruno Mars out there and let’s get back on this Bee Gees thing; you think we could get John Legend?”
RM: The problem with the Grammys is they try and be all things to all people. I can’t imagine that country music fans care that much about the Grammys. They have the CMAs. Why not drop it or make it a separate awards show? I dunno. It’s why the Oscars is a thing and the Golden Globes isn’t. They already have awards for album sales… The live performances don’t even really have anything to do with the most important music of the year….
nss: They just had A Capella group The Pentatonix do a Jackson 5 song. What is the relevance there? Also what was wrong with that soprano? Yikes. They’re bringing out Chance now, thankfully, this should be some salvation. Chance is my church, man.
RM: Hitler is an atheist. Chance is very Christian. Think about it. I bet you Bruno Mars is an atheist too.
nss: Probably. They’re bringing out the full choir now. I was nervous that Chance would have his biggest stage but the smallest set.
RM: You have to respect an artist who just goes out there and lets go on the biggest stage. That’s what Chance did. It wasn’t flawless but it was interesting. Made me smile. That’s Chance my dude.
nss: He’s always perfect because he’s always human. He makes the most out of all his chances because you’re astutely aware of how much he wants it. Always focused and engaged, he’s great. A guy to watch, for sure.
nss: We’re coming up on what I think is the most pointless portion of this program, the tribute to the Bee Gees. Only the Grammys would say “we don’t have enough musicians to pay tribute to this year” and say “yeah let’s work with that.” This is a ridiculous thing to undertake this year.Oh, OK, CBS has a special coming up. Now I get it. Commercialism is more important than musicianship at The Grammys. Nothing to see here.
RM: Let’s run out as many artists as possible during this segment. Who is next? I hope it’s Lou Bega. Oh no actually it’s little small tiny but actually large (huge even) town.
nss: This is a great philosophical question here. Who should do the Bee Gee’s tribute? The Weeknd would be not unexpected.
RM: Me baby I submit my vines as evidence.
nss: Agreed. Wait, when did breakdancing form a requisite part of disco? OK phew it’s over.
The Big Four are coming up soon. Who you got? Let’s start with Song of the Year: “Formation,” “Hello,” “I Took a Pill in Ibiza,” “Love Yourself,” and “7 Years.” Let’s hear it.
RM: I think it’s going to be “Hello.” That song was everywhere, man.
nss: I’ve got “Hello” for Record of the Year, but Song is still ultimately a songwriting credit, so I’m going with [spins barrel] “7 Years” [click]. Damn I still exist in a world shared with this song. “7 Years” to be clear is awful. God. Awful. But Adele wins with her singing talent and not her writing, so I’ll go with Graham here.
Celine Dion is on stage now, you think she talks Trump?
RM: No she talked about her husband instead. I think Adele gets song. And Beyonce gets Record of the Year. Album for Beyonce too.
NSS: I’ve got Adele for Record, Graham for Song, and Beyonce for Album. Let’s see - here’s Song. And it’s “Hello.” This is trash. That’s a trash song. She sings great on it, but the writing is like 200 words at most. Very disappointed.
RM: That fucking sucks they ignored the guy who co-wrote “Hello” and didn’t let him talk. If you aren’t a celebrity, you are fucking trash here, pal. We have tons of time for shitty mashups but normies shut the fuck up.
nss: Solange got a little sex hair there. And she’s bringing out Tribe. There is sure to be some politics here. OH MY GOD IT’S A MEDLEY. THEY HAVE A DJ. I’m dying. Anderson Paak is playing his own drums. This is incredible. “PRESIDENT AGENT ORANGE” - BUSTA RHYMES.
RM: Busta Rhymes definitely does not care for your neoliberal sensibilities.
nss: This is definitely what we were waiting for here. The whole stage just did the power fist after parading out a nice cross-section of ethnicities and backgrounds during “We the People.” This is great. Q-Tip: “Resist; resist; resist; resist.”
RM: It was a pretty solid, if forgettable, performance by ATCQ. The thing about Grammy performances like I said before is they are kind of all forgettable. I know people are probably saying that Beyonce’s performance broke the internet but in a years time no one will remember it (I’m sorry, sorry, please don’t kill me. She is a Queen and amazing and I wish she was President and she is probably God please don’t kill me).
nss: Of the performances so far, leaving aside the ones that were memorable for the wrong reasons, I would still probably pick the Gaga/Metallica one despite my cynicism. It was immensely entertaining because it was not in her league, and she did not kill heself in those heels. Good work all around. Aside from, predictably, the Grammys, who fucked up the mics. OK, we’re getting into the Prince tribute here.
RM: So best Rap Album, I hope Drake doesn’t win because he doesn’t deserve to for this offering. TLOP or Coloring Book?
nss: VIEWS. They gave Rap Performance to “Hotline Bling.” Feel like it’s destiny here.
RM: Happy for Chance! FUCK YEAH COLORING BOOK!!!
nss: YES ITS CHANCE. I am thrilled. He was slated to perform right? Are we still gonna see him? Could he be in a Phife tribute or something? Hmm...
RM: True. Also, TLOP and Coloring Book both deserved Album of the Year nominations IMO. Hell yeah Laverne Cox I bet Ben Shapiro is losing his shit and they mentioned the bathroom case!!!! LMAO DIAPERS EVERYWHERE. Metallica agreed to this? Very woke grandpas! Oh shit James Hetfield’s mic isn’t working!!! Welp that was something, actually.
nss: This is squarely on the Grammys, unlike Adele’s fiasco. Metallica is just starting to pack up the stage and they DO NOT look happy. Gaga killed it too. As much as people loved her Super Bowl show, I was far more entertained by this. Oh wow they’re gonna get a tribute to Sharon Jones worked in here, This is apparently the start of the in memoria segment.
RM: Yes but the real Sturgill Simpson was the friends we made along the way.
nss: This is not bad. I like this. The Dap-Kings are doing a great set in what must be a brutal segment. It’s not as torturous as the Glenn Frey segment last year, which is nice.
RM: Sturgill Simpson did a pretty good job. My interest in him is piqued I’ll have to check him out. I forgot about Sharon Jones dying tbh and that was a pretty good tribute.
nss: I listened to the album once or twice. It’s pretty good. AOTY good? Dunno about that. There’s a cover of “In Bloom” that’s pretty solid.
nss: Beyonce, stop. Though Malibu also great.
RM: Beyonce just gave her victory speech and the band didn’t play at all. That’s mad respect.
nss: Ah man, the speech was great. This was a layup though, she’ll have a little more defense to play through for some of the big four categories though. Well RM just ran off probably doing a #2 so guess I’m blogging this Maren Morris / Alicia Keys thing solo now. Wait, is this gonna be another in the “do songs together” initiative?
RM: We are all Americans, NSS. Also we are all women. Except those of us who are men. Sorry my mother in law was dropping off eggs from her chickens. Fresh chicken eggs are good.
nss: Oh. OK, sure. If that’s what you call it. Anyways the song was fine. One of the better vocal performances of the night. Alicia Keys rocking the hair. Love it. Oh god Adele is the first person on the George Michael tribute, this is not a good start. OH MY GOD.
RM: HAHA WHAT THE HELL ADELE? Don’t mess up the bathroom jerk off man’s songs please he’s dead.
nss: THE BAND HAS RESTARTED THE SONG. OH WOW I DEFINITELY CALLED THAT. IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A DIG AT PATTI SMITH OVER THE BOB DYLAN THING?!?!?!?! This is spectacular. Adele has just grenaded her career on live television. She has caused so many headaches and so much drama at such a high proportion of awards ceremonies, and there’s no one else to blame on this one. I cannot imagine the Grammys are eager to forget this, especially since I’m a firm believer that 20% of the reason she was invited to perform was over the last fuck-up.
RM: At some point people are going to get sick of this shit. I am a big dumbass, but is it really that hard to just work through whatever issue you were having?
nss: I know what you think of Bruno Mars, and I’m pretty ambivalent about his stuff these days, so let’s get into some other stuff we had on the agenda here. What do you think of the political bent on the show so far? Were you expecting more?
RM: It’s like a tradition before anything sports and award shows now where people say things like “you are an entertainer you are not allowed to talk about politics because I said so!” which is an even weirder take now that we have a game show host president. I know people are going to soil their diapers if literally anything is said, but it’s been pretty mild. If you are not an idiot you know that everything is political, and the choice to be non-political is actually political.
nss: At first I was expecting something, from Corden or literally anyone, but then I saw Gaga was performing with Metallica and it was clear that wasn’t happening. “Look a liburel and a rock band, together! Maybe musik is unity!” This is the setup. Be ready for it, because it’s gonna be trash. The Grammys had a choice to look like the Golden Globes or the CMA’s (which saw all their viewers fully mad and nude over Beyonce for performing at a country award ceremony) and decided to take that route. So far, the Grammys have not disappointed in the extent of their colossal disappointment.
Anyways, Bruno Mars was fine, like that was ever in question. I found this to be among his least entertaining sets.
RM: He’s hip hop now I guess. His shit is just so milquetoast, uninspiring, offensive to the genre hs is borrowing from trash. If he made good music he wouldn’t have to drift from genre to genre in an effort to keep his music fresh.
nss: Some people I’m not really sure of who they are are covering “Teenage Dream” right now, which is pretty much a perfect pop song, so suffice to say it is not an improvement. I think I know who’s up next.
RM: Katy Perry makes fun music. That band who did the tribute is “Little Big Town” what a dumbass name. Katy Perry is performing in front of a fence! Is this politics? Is this politics? Am I politics? Here comes Bob Marley’s grandson… is he politics? Should I consult a doctor if my politics lasts longer than 4 hours?
nss: OH SHIT ITS THE CONSTITUTION THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. OFFICIALLY POLLYTICS. MUSIC IS NOT MADE EXCLUSIVELY BY WHITE PEOPLE…? HERES GARY CLARK JR NOW ALSO NOT WHITE INCREDIBLE I AM STUNNED AGAIN. I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS STUNNED SINCE THE TWENTYONE PILOTS.
RM: Her outfit is cool as hell. This whole performance reminds me of the FKA Twigs “Two Weeks” video for some reason. I know everyone is going to say that they loved this and things like “Beyonce is now the president” just because that’s what some people say when she does literally anything. It was pretty cool, I guess. Jay Z just said *Borat voice* my wife.
nss: I’m not oblivious to the fact that this was a statement, and it’s one that will mean much more to some demographics than others, and that I am squarely in the “others” demographic(s), but I dunno, it’s kind of mixed to me. “Sandcastles” and “Love Drought” were two of my least favorite songs on Lemonade. Beyonce has some fuckin’ pipes so I like to see ‘em. Sue me. And she’s been plenty pregnant when she’s performed before.
RM: So we are on to Best Country Solo Performance. I think “My Church” by Marren Morris is going to win….. I was right yay! Seems like there are a lot of award shows for country music. James Corden is doing some sort of bit. They are doing that thing where they put a bunch of celebrities in the shot because they know people will tweet and retweet the shit out of it. LOL not all of these people know “Sweet Caroline” and it’s pretty evident.
nss: I’m back now. I just want to point out, before it went into commercial there, it pointed out that there would be “a Grammy tribute to Prince” and did not mention Bruno Mars in the segment. I’ve been hoping for a medley, and not just Mars doing a so-so impression, and those hopes have not been dashed.
Oh, shit, here’s Bruno Mars now.
nss: OK they’re doing some lifetime achievement shit here. And then another Country thing. Jeez this is ridiculous. Oh my god are they doing “7 Years”?!?!?!?! I am projectile vomiting all over my living room. What is this mustache? The dude looks midway between Rudy and Pedro.
RM: WHAT IS THIS SHIT. It’s like they said let’s put two bad songs together and what is with the bassist in the background? These songs don’t even go together. Here, you guys both suck it can’t get any worse. This shit is like taint smell in music form.
nss: We need to move on. This is horrible. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. And by the way she is way out of his league.
RM: Oh shit here comes the Queen bee. I can see her tummy. Is this live what is happening? Do I remember being born? Oh man is this like one of those koans you meditate on. Is this going to be 35 minutes? If I had smoked pot before this I would have already called 911.
nss: She is already quite large for such a recent announcement. And this is trippy as shit. What is going to happen here? This is the longest monolog ever, and I’m not saying it won’t (it always does) but this better pay off.
RM: This tilting chair thing is giving me serious anxiety. Please don’t do that.
nss: “Love Drought” seems pretty reserved, she usually brings it, pregnancy or not. I’m hoping she does another song. OK, it’s into “Sandcastles” here.
nss: This is stunning. This is a tremendous upset. This is colossally bad
And voters agree! Bedlam in Los Angeles.
RM:I don’t really understand this Grammy. I guess they like teen angst. The voters must have let their grandkids/kids pick this one.
nss: It is truly bizarre. Do we really need Ed Sheeran right now. This is the last thing I need.
RM: This is just reminding me that Grimes was NOT nominated for the amazing “Art Angels”.
nss: It has been 40 minutes and I am fuming mad. First twenty one pilots and then a guy I suffered through the same damn set on SNL yesterday. My fingers feel heavy, like its already hard for me to type. 40 minutes and you have destroyed me, The Grammys.
RM: I don’t get the appeal of Ed Sheeran. He’s the musical equivalent of circus peanuts. I mean they exist so someone must be buying them but I have never tasted one and I don’t know anyone who likes them. Ed Sheeran is like when you go to a frozen yogurt place and you have all these toppings available yet you just put vanilla ice cream in a bowl.
nss: The Chainsmokers were at least self-aware enough to say they’re probably the Nickelback of EDM, when is Ed Sheeran going to say he’s the, uh, hm, Dane Cook of pop music?
Anyways, here comes Best Rock Song. What do you got here? God anything but twentyone pilots. It’s overall a thin category this year. This is a songwriting award, so I’m taking Bowie on this one. I didn’t think he would win performance categories, but I thought he would win songwriting.
RM: I got Bowie. “Burn the Witch” should have won. The Grammys love to treat categories like this as a “career achievement” awards. So Radiohead will get them in about 10 years.
I know Radiohead isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but “Burn the Witch” might be one of the best songs of the past year. The rising tension/anxiety in the song is just great.
RM: Yo the backdrop for the Weeknd and Daft Punk set looks like the Fortress of Solitude in the original Superman.
nss: You are not wrong. It was fine. We’ve got hecklers in the comments for The Weeknd. It was fine. Would have loved a little more focus on Daft Punk since they don’t do this stuff a ton.
So we tacked down the worst of the Grammy nominees here, what’s the best? I immediately want to say Chance, but in fairness I probably would have said Chance before too. I also loved Anderson .Paak getting two nominations.
RM: As I said before, pretty solid list of nominees for the Rap categories. Except Kendrick was a pretty major snub IMO.
nss: I didn’t like untitled unmastered. all that much. Too disjointed. But I could see an argument over, like, De La Soul, I guess. We’re back from commercial, and it’s… Keith Urban? Don’t they have an entire awards ceremony for country music? Geez they are really “All Lives Matter-ing” the shit out of this right now.
RM: LOL.I think this is the first Keith Urban song I have ever heard. This song and performance with Carrie Underwood isn’t too bad. Country has 80s style synths now?
nss: Wait so we had the fortress of solitude for the electronica guys and the Tron stage for the country song? This is strange.
RM: Ok best Pop Duo Performance? Who you got? I think it’s gonna be Chainsmokers….
nss: I’ll take the Chainsmokers against the field. This is a lock.
RM: OH MY GOD. GOD. WHY? THAT GUY HAS MY LITTLE PONY HAIR. THEY ARE STRAIGHT RIPPING OFF THE RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS NOW.
nss: WHAT THE FYUCK IS HAPPENING TWENTYONE PILOTS WITH THE UPSET ONE OF THE WORST SONGS OF ALL TIME
nss: OK they’re doing new artist. Give me a pick. Go.
RM: CHANCE I LOVE HIM
nss: Chance deserves it, but I’m going with Chainsmokers.
OHHHHH SHIT ITS CHANCE CHANCE WINS. I am stunned. This dude’s biggest song is about how he hates the record biz. This is a huge, huge upset in my book, but I suppose I am alone here. Ah man he had to wear the tan hat, I just bought the fucking black one.
RM: Love when Jennifer Lopez said “This is precisely when artists go to work” after quoting Toni Morrison. Pump the breaks you wrote “Jenny From the Block.” Anyhow, this is great, they had to change the rules to include him according to Ms. Ras.
nss: Here comes the Weeknd, no crystal colon though. Surprising. Daft Punk owns, as an aside.
RM: Adele’s dress looks like a stained glass church window. Opening with Adele instead of a monologue was an interesting idea. I don’t really know if people are going to say if she “slayed” this or not. Seems solid. I don’t really have much to add. She doesn’t dance or do anything theatrical. So we are just watching her sing.
nss: This is going much better than a lot of her other recent televised performances, that’s for sure. But I feel like this is the ultimate Grammy moment already though. “Hey, look at how current we are with this two year old song! And let’s add another 3 codas!” Whatever, I’m glad they got her out of the way at least. Here comes your dude Corden. I think.
RM: My wife loves his Carpool Karaoke. Oh shit he’s stuck.
nss: Is this scripted? Oh maybe not. Oh shit, maybe. What is going on?
RM: I guess this was all real after all. Kind of like #Pizzagate.
nss: Do you think he makes it through his whole monolog and intro without using “alternative facts” after that?
RM:I guess he is rapping now? Is this a verse from Hamilton? Now he is listing dead people. AND WE GET OUR FIRST POLITICAL REFERENCE FOLKS!!!!
nss: This is 1) why HRC lost the election, 2) why ISIS hates us.
nss: But let’s get to what the people want. Bad music. There’s multiple twenty one pilots nominations. “7 Years” is arguably one of the worst songs of all time. What do you got as THE worst?
RM: I have to stick with “Stressed Out.” I was the one that nominated their song for the WSB and it’s just got that neo-rap rock sound that I loathe. I don’t mind their other songs as much but the style combined with the “I wanna be a kid again” message just makes it trash. Plus I will always laugh about the TOP reddit getting mad online. BTW, the CBS Pre-show is playing “Stressed Out” going into commercials. What the hell is a Blurryface anyway?
nss: I can’t find a single thing redeeming about “7 Years.” It’s not valuable in any sense. It’s boilerplate kitsch for soccer moms who don’t appreciate its extreme sexism. The dude wants to be buried in a literal pile of children despite that he didn’t even have one when he wrote it. I said earlier, there is no way that Lukas Graham’s vision for the ideal wife includes her owning a pair of shoes.
This is just about to start here, so let’s see what we’ve got before getting back to our scheduled agenda or whatever.
RM: Alright folks it’s real limousine liberal hours! The Grammys! That famous music awards show we know and love! I’m currently watching James Corden’s very British parents get interviewed by some very stiff people. What are you looking forward to seeing tonight, NSS?
nss: Oh, man, I’ve had high hopes for this iteration of the awards, but to be frank, I do not expect much. Ever had just bad feelings? I’ve got bad feelings. I think I forgot about the Grammys and their unbelievable ability to ruin everything. Drake already won for “Hotline Bling” in a pretty stacked category, for pete’s sake.
RM: I’m watching the Grammy Pre-show on CBS - they just interviewed Tim McGraw and his cowboy hat looked like a lego hat. Then I saw Ceelo Green and he looks like C3PO got Diabetes. Seriously he looks ridiculous. Elle King just said that guys have never had a period. You learn something new everyday.
nss: Yeah, I’ve been watching the live feed from Billboard and it has been, uh, kind of a mess. I just changed over, thankfully. But fortunately, the celebs are generally entertaining. Lil’ Yachty has teeth made of fruit loops. Adele is wearing a dress that looks like a grounds crew couldn’t find the outfield and mowed the pattern on her chest.
So just a quick word to our readers about what we’re doing here, we’ll be updating this periodically as fast as we can type. Stay with us, refresh the page, and feel free to hit us up on Twitter, @worstsongbracke @rhythmmethod and @nss_ds