Rape Cops (8:00p ET/7:00p CT, BCS): (MIDSEASON FINALE) After a botched suicide attempt, a teen's (guest star Shailene Woodley) confessions send Detectives Gregory (Daniel Sunjata) and Martinez (Jon Seda) into a hidden underworld of teen animal verbal abuse, with a shadowy past that circles back to their captain's (Dennis Haysbert) father (Robert Guillaume) in his younger days (CGI Robert Guillaume) as the Governor's butler (Billy Crystal in blackface).

Better Ululator Than Never... But Can You Castanet? (8:00p ET/7:00a Jakarta, FAX): (MIDSEASON PENULTIMATE PRE-FINALE) A winner is finally crowned in this teen-star gutteral-sing-wailing-and-finger-percussion competition— will it be the dulcet-toned Armanda Sanchez, or the filthy, double-jointed gypsy Ratfucker Jones? With guest performance by civic-minded bestselling rapper Jay-Cee and his transsexual wife, Beyonsir.

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La Programa su Lavandería Mira Por la TV (9:00p ET/6:00a Tashkent, Teleglobo): I just can't believe we're watching this when Bulls-Heat is going into the fourth tied. Did she just say something about ammo? Is anyone even watching this?

That Show With The Guys With You KNOW The One I'm Talking About (10:00p ET/Three months later, post-separation DVR, ALS): (LAST CHANCE FOR NO-PANTS) You know the one I mean. There's the guy from the romantic movie, only he's playing the other guy's brother, and the other guy was in that other show, on Channel 5. Don't you make me feel like an idiot— YOU know the one I mean. Anyway, I don't care for it so much. Your father, on the other hand... oh, he can't get enough of it. It's the young girl, with the breasts. It's repulsive.