First, let's dispense with the obvious. There is no reason for a grown adult man to be thinking about Waterworld, so stop looking for one. Trying to reason this out is like puzzling if Ben Affleck might make a good Batman, if by "good" you mean "steaming" and "Batman" you mean "pile of shit left on the neighbor's stoop." In that case the answer is still no, but look, we're just wasting our time here.

Problem 1

The premise of Waterworld is that the ice caps have melted and the world is now covered with... wait for it... water. Leaving aside the glaring discrepancy in the volume of the polar ice caps vs. the amount of water it would take to cover the Earth completely, this isn't a terrible idea for a summer movie.


However. There is no land, right? And last time I checked, golf is a game that requires a shit-ton of land to play. So tell me, friend, how the fuck is Dennis Hopper CHOCK FULL OF STUPID FUCKING GOLF PUNS when there is zero chance he's ever played the game, or seen anyone else play it? God that grates me.

Problem 2

Let's turn to hydration. "Pure hydro" is a highly coveted commodity. As far as I can tell, "pure hydro" is just water, but somehow better? The world is covered in salt water, but magically some fresh water appears out of well, who the fuck knows where, and is super awesome and expensive? DE-SALINIZATION TECHNIQUES ALREADY EXIST YOU DUMB HICKS. Just make your own damn water, which I'm willing to bet slakes thirst just as well as the mystery stuff.

Problem 3

That little girl. No one punches her in her face. Most glaring error in the film.


These have been some of the problems I have with the movie Waterworld.