Because, if you are like me, you want to please the wife. She makes sure I don’t fuck things up too much. She yells at me to get to the doctor. She also does fun things that I will leave to your imagination. Well, maybe not any of you people, as I’m sure your idea of a good time is illegal in 48 states. But, other people’s imaginations might not be so bad.

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Anyway things my wife might like:

1. A sleeping mask. This way she can’t see how ugly I am when she wakes up. I get up before her and take a damn bath, before she realizes she can do better.

2. Wine. This wine. It’s better than what you would expect. Priced between 9 and 12 dollars, and worth every drop. Plus, if I can keep her drunk, she might think I’m funny or charming still.

3. Bath & Body shit. I’m going with some citrus scents, as citrus smells good. For you who want to follow my shopping pattern, don’t go with some vanilla crap or seasonal scents. You can’t tell if she will like them or not, and because you will have to smell them, too.

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4. Cheese. Who doesn’t love that damn stuff? Top it with crackers. Not Wheat Thins. But, Triscuits and those expensive ones with various shapes and aromas. She’s gonna love this shit.

5. Electric blankets and/or heating pads. Because it’s fucking cold outside!

Now that I shared with you my gift list, use it wisely if you need. Go buy this shit for your mom, wife, boyfriend, Tom Selleck, your racist uncle, and your roommate who is possibly a drug dealer, but you really don’t GAF if the roommate is, because she/he doesn’t mind doing the dishes.