Here Are Some Problems I Have With Thanksgiving

First, let's dispense with the obvious. There is every damn reason in the universe for a grown adult man to be thinking about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving rules. So stop being the contrarian asshole who bitches about how Thanksgiving represents the subjugation of the American Indian by foreign invaders and get over yourself. Also, please try to not have intercourse with the can of cranberry sauce this year.

Problem 1

Turkey only remains at the perfect temperature for consumption for approximately 17 nanoseconds. Ever cook a turkey? It comes out of the oven piping hot (of course). You let it sit for a while before attempting to carve it. When you carve it it's still so hot that you burn the snot out of your fingers as you joyfully yank the drumstick from the body. It's still hot as you layer it on the serving platter. It's somewhat less hot as it gets passed around the table and you pile it with wonderful gravy and mashed potatoes. It's almost perfect as you bow your head for grace. And as you shove your loaded fork to your fat greedy mouth... it's stone fucking cold.

Will optimal turkey temperature be realized in out lifetime? Probably not.

Problem 2

Black Friday. We all know Black Friday sucks. The deals aren't that good. It's now a day earlier, forcing people to work on Thanksgiving. People die every year. Only morons who've been kicked in the head by a mule would be dumb enough to shop on Back Friday.

But worse than all that, plus a million Hitlers, is that it's given name to the dumbest shopping "holiday" of all time: Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday is the perfect storm of stupidity that occurs when desperate retailers combine their idiot powers with desperate news media to create something to sell, be it actual physical items or advertising slots. Cyber Monday is the name your mom (who's still rocking her aol account) would come up with at her book club dinner to the delight (and secret envy) of her fellow lady friends. To borrow another terrible phrase, Cyber Monday jumped the shark the second it was first uttered. Don't let me ever catch you saying it.

Problem 3

Breathless traffic reports. "Well let me tell you Anne, the I-95 corridor is just going to be packed over the next few days!" NO FUCKING SHIT. Every single year we get the same rehashed reports about the increase in traffic jams and flight delays. Say, will the weather play a factor? We're on pins and needles over here. There is some schmuck at AAA who hates his terrible, terrible job, but stays on year after year in order to bask in the glory of being quoted in the CNN scroll. If there is any justice in the world, that guy misses his connecting flight every year.

Conclusion

These have been some of the problems I have with the United States holiday of Thanksgiving.