Some of us on the Gawrker kinja sideblog empire “staff” have decided to try and unionize. Here is a brief explanation.

First, this effort is still in the early stages. I haven’t actually spoken to anyone else about unionizing yet, so it may seem premature to be writing about it. While it may at first glance seem preferable to have this conversation internally and not in the view of our many fives of readers, most of my fellow contributors are dumbasses. I’d rather not speak to them ever about anything. So, instead, I met yesterday with union organizers to discuss options and one of them, Sparkles McCuddleface (the union organizers are also my cats) encouraged me to write a blog post about it.

Generally speaking, Gawrker is a great place to post blogs. I mean, they’ll let any no-talent assclown do it. I’m pretty sure that some of these posts were written by actual monkeys pounding on typewriters. So why unionize?

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Pay: we don’t get any and that my friends is bullshit. Have you seen all the sponsored ads they post from fancy ass liquor stores and ramen noodle manufacturers? Where is that money going? My guess is it’s lining someone’s already maple syrup-coated pocket, if you know what I mean (I mean Same Sad Echo. Because he likes syrup A LOT if you know what I mean. I mean he fucks it.).

Security: despite promises that we won’t be posting any videos of Hulk Hogan ramming the hell out of the wives of formerly starred Deadspin commenters, you know that something along those lines will happen eventually. None of us can be trusted! There is no editorial staff to guide us here and, if there were, they would probably also be dumbasses! So when it happens, a union will protect the rest of us and our ability to continue using Gawrker as a dumping ground for whatever random thought we have during our meaningless lives.

Principle: as a Gawrker blogger, I am obviously incredibly liberal and therefore am unflinchingly and unfailingly in support of unionizing everything. Can you think of any examples where unions have not been good? Of course you can’t!

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Listen, no one really knows what this union will look like, who will join it, what its goals will ultimately be, or why it should even exist in the first place. After my meeting yesterday, however, I am confident that unionizing is the way to go. And I fully expect that Gawrker will emerge from this experience stronger than it has ever been.