When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to fuckin’ show these dank bulbs just who is in charge here, a decent respect to the opinions of brandkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

Can you imagine if this onion was next to that onion? This guy hurls at the thought of it! That’s right, he actually hurled, into the onions! Talk about a cover-up.

I mean, look at them. These uppity-ass roots, with their concentric rings and their wide variety of tastes - who do they think they are, a bunch of recently-arrived Williamsburg gobshites?

“Yeah, I’ve definitely rubbed my sweet, well-squatted hamcakes on these bad boys, no question.”

In the end, truly, it is necessary to secure for the preservation of our produce section, the sustenance of these divisions, long-held to standards of purity and subjugation of lesser tubers, in order that our sautés may continue unperturbed.

Trigger warning: no, seriously, this will likely trigger secretions from a number of your glands