Ah man, we had some killer stories of brutal sports (and sports-ish) humiliation. All of you who participated, you are all wonderful. Even for a stupid thing like this, it takes guts to talk about some embarrassing shit that represents a personal low-point. And, well, I laughed at all of your failures. You are all grand, amazing failures, and I enjoy that about you.

Now, for the goddamn winners:

In 3rd place, proud winner of an honest-to-God ice-scraper that I recently bragged about on Twitter before watching it fly apart like a balsa-wood model plane as I scraped a half-inch of ice off my windshield this morning: Universal Enveloping Algebra, with this hilarious and excruciating story of grueling failure in competitive chess. Ouch.

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In 2nd place, winner of a somewhat smaller, less impressive ice-scraper which, while it will not be worth bragging about on Twitter, is, importantly, intact at this very moment: girlwonder, with a devastating story of public humiliation and gas like a goddamn tuba. Yowza!

And in 1st place, winner of what I can only assume is the very last bag of ice-melt in the entire Western Hemisphere, and which has been used (but not fully!) and which would otherwise be worth some astronomical price if, say, a person were to go auction it off in front of Home Depot this morning: RMJ=H, with a letter-perfect retelling of climbing to within reach of athletic glory before bombing spectacularly and utterly. Bravo, my friend. You were the greatest failure of them all.

Thanks again, all you types. Keep trying and failing. Even your horrible failures make excellent stories.