Mark Sanchez as Dennis Reynolds
Tim Tebow as Mac
Sam Bradford as Dee Reynolds
Darren Sproles as Charlie Kelly
Chip Kelly as Frank
INT. EAGLES LOCKER ROOM, MORNING
Mark Sanchez is playing ping pong against Sam Bradford. Darren Sproles watches from a chair. They are vollying casually when Sanchez spikes a shot at Bradford who lunges and can’t get to it.
BRADFORD: What the hell was that?
SANCHEZ: This is a sport of champions. I would certainly not expect you to understand that.
Bradford rolls his eyes and puts down the paddle.
SANCHEZ: Are you limping? Jesus Christ Bradford, you are like an old sick bird.
SPROLES: (Laughs) Yeah more like a sick old eagle
BRADFORD: I just tweaked it a bit. Gotta take some of my pills and I’ll be good as new.
Bradford pulls out a handful of pills and tosses them back.
SANCHEZ: I don’t think you should keep taking those pills so...willy nilly Sam. I take it back. I don’t give a shit. Eat a hundred of them. And Darren, you do realize Eagles are birds right?
SPROLES: Uhh...gonna have to fight you on this one Mark.
SANCHEZ: Ok well you can’t exactly fight me because I’m stating a very basic fact that almost anyone would know. It’s shocking to me you don’t know this
SPROLES: I think I know birds. If you wanna debate bird law just come at me, I’ll go toe to toe all day!
SANCHEZ: Look at the helmet you are holding in your hands. You see those? Those are eagle wings because eagles are birds. Why am I even arguing this with you.
SPROLES: Plenty of things have wings and aren’t birds Mark!
SANCHEZ: By all means.
SPROLES: Well I mean. Hawks...dragons....flying horses.
BRADFORD: Oh Darren.
SANCHEZ: You realize you just named two things that aren’t real and another type of bird. You know what, I’ve had it. Where the hell are Chip and Tebow with my god damn smoothie.
Chip kelly walks in the door holding a tray with 2 smoothies. Tim Tebow walks in carrying one for himself.
CHIP: HEY-OH! Get your smoothies. Go on, Mark grab your smoothie there.
TEBOW: Whats up bozos. (Beat) Is Sam limping again?
SANCHEZ: Give me the smoothie. (Beat) Yeah something happened to him. But I mean who cares. Let’s drink our smoothies. We’ll be the pinnacle of health who needs them.
TEBOW: He’s like an old, sick bird.
CHIP: We should put him in a shoebox.
BRADFORD: I can hear you. I can hear all of you. Why did I even come here.
Chip Kelly talks with a mouthful of smoothie as some of it runs down his mouth.
CHIP: He won’t be here for long. I’m working on a deal with an old buddy of mine to get him out of here if you catch my drift.
BRADFORD: What the hell is that supposed to mean, Chip? Come on Darren. Let’s leave these clowns to their damn nature juice. I mean who cares about smoothies.
DARREN: I was probably going to stay here. You know. Suck out the residue at the bottom of everyone’s cup.
BRADFORD: Their trash smoothie? You’re going to drink their trash smoothies? You are a grown man.
SANCHEZ: I’m going to need you both to leave the room. See I’m about to fuel my temple. And I need complete peace and serenity while I fuel. I can’t have people yelling about backwash smoothies and bird law. God dammit you two.
Bradford throws another handful of pills in his mouth.
TEBOW: Did Bradford just eat more of those pills? He’s really gotta lay off.
CHIP: Oh who cares what he does.
SANCHEZ: Yes. Thank you, Chip. Who cares about him. Let them drink and eat their poisons. While we indulge..in the ecstasy of health.
Smash cut to title scene “The Gang Poisons Themselves”
EXT. EAGLES TRAINING FACILITY.
Chip Kelly, Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow are sitting at an outdoor table drinking their smoothies.
TEBOW: Why did we have to leave the locker room? I feel like that’s the perfect place to slug these back.
SANCHEZ: Because Sam and Darren wouldn’t leave and they make me fly off the handle. Why do you keep wanting to go back in that locker room. It smells horrible in there.
TEBOW: Just making sure everyone is showering properly after their lift.
SANCHEZ: Well they’re grown men so I think they can shower (Beat) You know, I don’t often compliment you Chip. Well mainly because you are a weird little old man but these are great smoothies.
CHIP: The witch doctor threw in some sort of powder at the end. Some anti-oxidant drugs. I told her to just use these nose clams I brought.
Chip produces a small bag of cocaine
TEBOW: Ok well that person was not a witch doctor, Chip. She was the manager of a smoothie stand. And those were not drugs. They were an immunity booster. Not that I would need it.
CHIP: Yeah yeah yeah. The important thing is you two boys stay healthy. No one is getting sick on my watch. I cannot have anything go wrong on my watch.
Sanchez looks at Chip incredulously.
SANCHEZ: On your watch? Chip EVERYTHING has gone wrong on your watch. Do I need to go over it for you.
CHIP: Yeah but now I got a new regime.
SANCHEZ: You just signed Tebow over there. Is this what you call a new regime? Things are worse than ever!
TEBOW: Watch it, bro I’m coming for your spot.
SANCHEZ: He keeps telling me this. What lies have you been feeding this man.
CHIP: I may have told him he’d have a shot of the starting job. I’m trying to keep you all motivated. It’s part of the new REGIME!
TEBOW: Hey you jabroni I’m twice the quarterback you’ll ever be.
Tebow pulls off his shirt and starts flexing his muscles.
TEBOW: You see this? You see this mass, bro? Come training camp you’ll be going against this.
SANCHEZ: Yes and that would be fine if you played any other position, but we’re quarterbacks (beat) I am at least.
TEBOW: I have insane mass bro. No one can take me down. Couple that with my rocket arm and faith in the good lord. I’m unbeatable.
SANCHEZ: Chip. Are you going to refute any of this nonsense this man is spewing?
CHIP: Hell I love it! See In this new regime fighting is encouraged. It will be like when the rats all kill each other off and the society as a whole is stronger.
SANCHEZ: Maybe that worked for your college football rats but not here Chip. Tim, let me break it down like this. I am a highly tuned athletic specimen, but I also have the intangibles that make me an elite quarterback.
CHIP: (laughing) Who the hell are you calling an elite quarterback. I picked you up off the damn scrap heap.
SANCHEZ: Well I would tell you two about my AFC championships but I don’t want to waste my breath. (Beat). I am the prototype quarterback. The physical gifts, I obviously have in spades. But then I also succeed off the field. Where it matters most.
TEBOW: I’ve had tons of off the field success.
SANCHEZ: Yeah but I’m not talking about rehabilitating filthy prisoners. I’m talking about high society gifts. Look at me for example. I’ve modeled in sophisticated magazines, I’ve been to major award shows, and I’ve continued to make love to nubile, barely legal women.
TEBOW: Woah. I pound ass. I pound ass like all the time.
SANCHEZ: You do not pound ass.
CHIP: You don’t, Tim.
SANCHEZ: In fact, it has been noted in NUMEROUS publications that you have never pounded ass.
TEBOW: That’s bogus! Get Riley out here. He’ll tell you about Florida. I definitely pounded ass there!
SANCHEZ: Ok well he’s a racist sociopath so we certainly aren’t going to call that college buddy in here for backup.
CHIP: I got an idea. How about you two have a contest where you try to tag the most ass. I’ll be like a judge or something. I’ll watch, and of course take a little bit of the run off.
SANCHEZ: You are a creepy, terrible old man. But I like where your head is at.
CHIP: You do?
SANCHEZ: We’ll have a competition. On the 9 basic tenants of quarterbacking. A tournament of champions where one of us will be named starter.
TEBOW: Bring it bitch.
CHIP: Well this makes my job a hell of a lot easier. I’ll go loop in Bradford.
TEBOW: More like Bradbird.
SANCHEZ: Yeah leave him out of this, he’ll only muddle things up.
CHIP: Good call
INT. STAFF KITCHEN, EAGLES TRAINING FACILITY
Darren Sproles is adding ingredients to a blender. He presses the button and pour it into two Gatorade cups. Its chunky and disgusting looking. Sam Bradford walks in and grabs one of the cups.
BRADFORD: I gotta say that I’m incredibly hesitant to drink this. I just need something to wash down my pills and the team is watching all the faucets downstairs.
SPROLES: Well they might have a problem. You do sorta have a problem with those pills.
BRADFORD: You have a problem. A problem with being a short little bitch.
BRADFORD: Sorry. 0 to 60. It’s a side effect of these damn pills I can barely control my emotion.
SPROLES: Well here drink up drink up. Cheers.
Bradford takes some pills, they cheers and gag down the small cups of “smoothie”
BRADFORD: Oh that’s bad. That’s really really bad. What is in this.
SPROLES: Well I started making it and I asked myself, alright what do athletes need? Pads. Jockstraps. Even our helmets with the dragon wings on them. (Beat) I threw them all in one of those giant pots and boiled it down good. I added some milk, cheese, and jelly beans for flavor-
BRADFORD: This is just boiled down pads?
SPROLES: Well it’s not boiled down pads, Sam. I’m not going to feed you plastic. Plus I couldn’t get the water hot enough to melt the plastic. It’s mainly the sweat from the pads. You know. What comes out must go back in.
BRADFORD: (Gagging) (More gagging)
SPROLES: You’re going to want to keep that down. Those plastic shards are not going to feel good coming back up. I was able to grind some of it down in the blender.
BRADFORD: God dammit. God dammit Darren. They already think we’re idiots and are trying to ship us out of town and now our one chance to beat them at their own game and you’re feeding me biohazard waste.
SPROLES: I like it.
BRADFORD: I’ll tell you what. Why don’t I handle the smoothie, and you work on a plan for getting back at those idiots before they get rid of us.
SPROLES: I’m trying to stay on Chip’s good side though. See the thing is we are best friends and he let’s me run around a lot.
BRADFORD: He brought in two guys to replace you.
SPROLES: I don’t know about replace. Maybe give me a breather.
BRADFORD: Darren stay with me here. Do you remember LeSean?
SPROLES: Oh gross LeSean the snail. Yeah he was terrible.
BRADFORD: He wasn’t terrible. He was really good. Chip made you think he was terrible so he could exile him to Buffalo. Don’t you see? It’s all a little crazy game. And you’re next.
SPROLES: I don’t know that was just one time.
BRADFORD: What about Desean?.
Darren chugs the rest of his smoothie then reaches out for Sams.
SPROLES: Do you mind?
He chugs the second cup.
SPROLES: Sorry I’m just a ball of nerves. Chip wouldn’t do that to me? Cut his star running back?
BRADFORD: You really think you’re a star?
SPROLES: Well. Well I don’t know. Alright make us another batch of the sweat smoothies we have some thinking to do.
(To be continued....)