NSS: I can’t fucking believe we’re doing this again. It’s been like 3 years since the song bracket, and I still feel like I haven’t recovered. My blogging injury report reads “Grade 2 aural exertion strain; Grade 1 PTSD; Concussion Protocol.” Yet it somehow it remains Sidespin’s most read piece just ahead of Freeman’s Pink Floyd dissertation part 4 of 11.
Three Sad Pathetic Losers from the Deadspin Commentariat have decided to investigate what Ruined Deadspin. Since they are neither creative nor smart, they decided to do so using that famous bracket style we all know and love. Because they never did that before.
Today, an in-depth analysis of the #Content Division.
NSS: So I wanted us to go through the #CONTENT bracket first because I feel like this was the one that needed the most explanation about the editorial process. We had a lot of thought in picking and seeding this, and so much more fastidious crap we just barely left out. As an aside, I’m really excited we added OBG, just not today. He might show up tomorrow though.
RM: There is a lot of shitty content there. We had to leave off the doxxing of @Dadboner and the @PFTCommenter controversy because at this point they are both still doing that bit and it’s just sad. I mean at least when I am a dumbass at my job I get to be a real person. And before anyone says “well they must be doing something right!’ The Tweet of God guy got his own musical. And the absolutely very real Shit My Dad Says account got a tv show.
Speaking of bad culture, go ahead and include almost all of the latter coverage of television, or music, or any other tepid contrarian take. The self-masturbatory article series Counterprograming Football: What to Watch Today Instead of the NFL was literally reposting a TV guide to tell us the thing we read about on the very blog is actually….bad! Yeah, watch the Cosby Show or Top Gear! You’ve got a baby’s clean conscience now!
NSS: When I think of The Concourse I can only think of the fulcrum that was Rob Harvilla, and how quickly the see-saw turned back into a stick after he left. Too bad he wasn’t around to write his own obituary. But let’s remember some blogs! Remember Screamer? Regressing was good though, and no one could touch Screengrabber. And to quote a blogger, some people are fans of the blog Foodspin. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the blog Foodspin. And if you forgot Compete... actually you will not convince us you forgot Compete. It blows my mind these were “tolerably bad” since we still found 8 worse things.
RM: So with this first matchup we’ve got (1) Manti Te’o’s Fake Dead Girlfriend vs (8) The Culture of Sports Culture. Respect, and sport, and how it is covered is important as you mourn a fake dead girlfriend. How long do you have to wait to date another fake girlfriend after the first one dies? Fake girlfriends are something you have a lot of experience with, NSS. What say you?
NSS: The culture of sports culture is really the perfect embodiment of what Deadspin’s been at war with for the better half of a decade now. Journalismism. The narrative narrative.
RM: Above all, Deadspin refused to respect the magnanimous NFL owners, objective reporters, the very important media people and their very important media conventions. Like, “domestic violence isn’t actually a beat assignment.” These bloggers didn’t earn it by having a famous Dad or by bringing a briefcase to high school or wearing one of those funny Press hats and getting nicknamed “Scoop.”
NSS: It was just really hard-hitting reporting like “Are Blogs Good?” “DS Editorial Board: If Concussions Are Tied To CTE, We Believe They Are Bad” or “Yes: Even Without Legs, Colin Kaeperick Could Still Kneel.” Apologize for any transcription errors, I can’t remember the exact headlines, just the troves of mouth-breathing acolytes who were sure to “actually,” on Facebook by saying a basketball player’s scholarship is more valuable than a coaches $6 million salary. Every time Deadspin put up an article, 99% of the population morphed into dystopian Lindsey Graham because someone suggested that pro athletes should play less than 52 football games a year.
RM: It reminds me of high school debate. In that it’s fucking stupid, and in reality there are no rules to a debate, there are not two intellectually equal opposing sides and the loudest, dumbest, most vile piece of shit can easily win if he reaches out to enough morons to shout down any intelligent thought.
NSS: Anyways, I love the 4/5 seed matchup in this division. (4) Stick to Sports vs. (5) Adequate Man. True story, I ran into an ex-girlfriend in the Adequate Man comment section so I’m voting this straight to the finals. This has nothing to do with your earlier question.
RM: This pairing is an apt one because the greatest argument that Deadspin should stick to sports is their Adequate Man blog series. Between a picture of a cartoon bear mascot with a giant penis and a video of a soccer coach picking his nose and eating it, I need to know what I should do at a Black Family Picnic and someone offers me trunk liquor. Should I offer him my potato salad with raisins in it? And this was probably the BEST of those blogs.
NSS: [panics whitely] I just came for corn bread and spades. But what always baffled me is Adequate Man would post “How to Have a Four-Way with your Wife, her Boyfriend, and a Vegas Stripper While Staying Monogamous” and “Check Out This Trick When You Tie Your Shoes” and the latter would get, like 130,000 more pageviews. I’m pretty sure Shitehawk had a second-hour Today Show segment because he fired off a taek on assembling a cheeseburger while he was taking a shit.
RM: And then they’d run a sports story, first comment, every time: “THEY JUST DIDN’T RESPECT THE GAME AND THEY HATED MY TEAM AND I’M NOT CRYING AND I BET THESE GUYS DIDN’T EVEN PLAY SPORTS HOW WOULD THEY KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE BY THE WAY I HAVE REALLY BAD ALLERGIES THAT ARE TRIGGERED BY SAYING DEREK JETER WAS OVERRATED.”
So next up we’ve got (3) Kinja vs (6) The Cereal Ranking. Personally, I think Kinja was good, but I also like to bob for cat turds in a litter box. In a world where the internet is at our fingertips, it’s helpful to have a confusing system that magically makes the top comment on an article a guy who says “my ex-wife wouldn’t suck my dick… so I bought a hooker with crypto” (or worse yet, a Batista thumbs up comment) when the post is about the unwritten rules of baseball.
NSS: I have literally nothing to say about the cereal ranking that hasn’t been said by everyone with an internet connection. If the failure of Gawker Media ever ended up as a business school case study, the cereal ranking would be in the required reading portfolio.
RM: I guess you can say it was a real cereal killer for you, eh, NSS? Like you didn’t like the ranking, and it made you not like cereal, and it’s like a pun or something.
NSS: [nss - use this area to write about the redeeming qualities of kinja]
OK, last one. (2) Brett Favre’s Inadequate Manhood vs (7) Chris Kluwe. In hindsight we should have had Kluwe way higher, but I suspect deep down we just wanted a showdown between the two thirstiest NFL players to hit Deadspin’s front page. For a little while at first I was mesmerized by a sports blog having an active NFL player/contributor. People would be like “but he’s just a punter.” But Chris being a punter never bothered me. His personality bothered me.
RM: Speaking of fame chasing dorks, Brett Favre’s dick proved that he can only really sling it on the football field. Sexual harassment, much like articles by an outspoken mediocre punter/journalist/gamer, is not really something anyone wants to see. Who’s to say what is worse? Well, I guess you, the voters. Also, I think societal norms.
NSS: So that’s the #CONTENT Division. Who will make it out? Honestly I feel like (7) Chris Kluwe has a real shot here. The Te’o story could ruin any blog read exclusively by cloistered 35 year old misanthropic law associates though, so I definitely wouldn’t count that out either [ed: or maybe not].
RM: My money is on an upset pick with (4) Stick to Sports emerging from this region. I don’t think it go all the way, but then again neither did Manti Te’o and he never even got that good ghost toppy, either.
Editors note: On previous versions of this article, we inadvertently mis-spelled “Shep McAllister”, because we are idiots. We regret the error and hope he accepts our sincerest apologies. We also mis-spelled “Batista Thumbs Up” but no one really cares.
Find the Worst Song Bracket boys on twitter, at @worstsongbracke
“Rhythm Method” is a bad song enthusiast and native Seattleite who lived in beautiful Yuma, AZ before bailing on weather that was over 75 and going back to Seattle. Follow him on twitter here. “notsomethingstructural” (aka @nss_ds) is an amateur listicle purveyor and vigilant nihilist. He makes no apologies for being a terrible follow. Together, they produced the timeless "Worst Song Bracket" from where they take their namesake. Old Beige Guy (@oldbeigeguy) is also from Seattle, which is what everybody in Washington, Alaska, and Idaho says. He will be in bed by
8:30 9:00 this evening.