A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A good bear stands tall against a giant herb

Hey everyone! Hope you had a good holiday. As we promised last week, here’s part 2 of your bowl preview, picking up with the post-Christmas matchups. Also recall that we’re skipping any matchups involving teams that were already covered in our preview of Week 1. Without further ado, and before they burn Kinja to the ground once and for all, let’s get right back to it!

Quick Lane Bowl - Boston College vs. Maryland

Boston College rolls with Baldwin, an eagle who can ice skate. In Maryland’s corner is Testudo, a fuzzy, wingless bird wearing a catcher’s chest protector. Baldwin’s speed is far too much for the terrapin, and in the victory he sets two tournament records: fastest KO, and he’s the only mascot to ever take off his skate and try to stab someone.


Independence Bowl - NC State vs. Vanderbilt

NC State has a lot going on. Let’s start with Mr. and Ms. Wuf, whose wedding was officiated by the Wake Forest Demon Deacon. As I’ve always said, two anthropomorphic wolves are better than one. They also have Tuffy II, a very good Tamaskan dog. On the other side, Vandy’s lone mascot is Mr. Commodore, who is confusingly titled as a civilian. He also seems to have a Benjamin Button type thing going, if this older picture of him is any indication. He’s not as old as he once was, but Cmdre. Mister is still no match for an entire group of wolves, often referred to as a wolf flock.

Heart of Dallas Bowl - Army vs. North Texas*

Army’s mascots are three live mules: Ranger III, Stryker, and Paladin (sorry for the Facebook). Facing down Army’s mascots, which again are three live mules, is North Texas’s mascot Scrappy, which appears to be a gecko with the head of an eagle. Also, as you all remember, North Texas went 5-7 in 2016, which means Scrappy has to fight the three live mules with one sticky gecko arm behind his back. Not that it would matter, against three live mules. The Mean Green’s mascot is headed to the, uh, scrap heap.


(Three Live Mules, new band name, called it.)

Military Bowl - Wake Forest vs. Temple

The Demon Deacon is the Wario of mascots, riding his motorcycle into this clash with Temple’s duo: an anthropomorphic owl named Hooter, and a live great horned owl named Stella. Hooter isn’t gonna do much here, but Stella knows to go for the eyes, and that stovepipe hat is not a motorcycle helmet.


Holiday Bowl - Minnesota vs. Washington State

Minnesota is represented by one of the greats, a sandwich named Goldy Gopher. However, on the other side is Butch T. Cougar, a carnivore. He also wields Ol’ Crimson, which has appeared at College Gameday something like 700 weeks in a row. My headgear prediction is that Goldy loses his.


Pinstripe Bowl - Northwestern vs. Pitt

Northwestern goes to war with Willie the Wildcat, who is not to be confused with the Kansas State mascot by the same name. Northwestern Willie kinda looks more like a wingless bat. He goes up against Pitt’s Roc the Panther, who has bright green eyes and those vampire teeth you get six of every year in various Halloween party favor bags. To borrow from the Pinstripe Bowl’s official slogan, This Is Not Exactly an Inspired Matchup. Roc wins because he has sharper teeth, but it takes almost 4 hours and by the end you’re wondering why you even bothered watching.


Russell Athletic Bowl - Miami vs. West Virginia

The U is represented by Sebastian the Ibis, a duck. If Sebastian the Ibis were a different type of bird, like an ibis, he would have a long pointy beak with which to fight, but as a duck he’s pretty helpless. Meanwhile, the mascot of the West Virginia Mountaineers is, as you might expect, a mountaineer. The Mountaineer carries an old shitty gun, but it’s a gun nonetheless. He easily shoots and kills Sebastian the Ibis the duck.


Foster Farms Bowl - Utah vs. Indiana

Utah’s mascot is Swoop, a hawk with a very shiny beak. It is likely made of brass, which is a pretty dated look but probably still useful in a fight. Indiana has not used a mascot in recent years, so we’ll fall back to their last mascot, which was a cowboy-type guy called Hoosier Pride. [opens that link] Um, never mind. It’s less embarrassing for Indiana if Swoop just wins uncontested. Also, burn those pants.


Birmingham Bowl - South Florida vs. South Carolina

Rocky vs. Cocky! For what’s supposed to be a fighting gamecock, Cocky is about as cartoonish and unintimidating as it gets. Rocky, meanwhile, is jacked and has big horns. South Carolina winning this matchup is pretty far-fetched. You might even call it a ... cock and bull story.


Belk Bowl - Virginia Tech vs. Arkansas

Virginia Tech’s mascot is Hokie Bird. Looks more like a 6-foot turkey. Arkansas has many mascots: a live boar named Tusk, and several anthropomorphic pigs which you can see pictures of here and here. I am deeply sorry for that last link. Anyway, it might only be about a half dozen feral hogs, but it’s going to seem like 30 to 50 against one completely overmatched bird. At least we know he’ll become Boar’s Head turkey.


Arizona Bowl - Air Force vs. South Alabama

South Alabama has two humans in jaguar suits, named South Paw and Miss Pawla. Air Force, meanwhile, has quite an array of live falcons at its disposal. They also have this anthropomorphic blue jay named The Bird. The Bird can hold the two jaguars at bay while the live falcons bite and claw them to pieces and win the matchup for the Air Force. USA! USA! (Not you, University of South Alabama.)


TaxSlayer Bowl - Georgia Tech vs. Kentucky

Georgia Tech has a couple of mascots: a human dressed as a yellow jacket called Buzz, and a live yellow jacket named Bee Arthur. OK fine, I made Bee Arthur up. They do, however, have this old fucking jalopy called the Wramblin’ Wreck, which is like a very slightly more modern version of the Sooner Schooner. Staring down that monstrosity is the Kentucky Wildcat, who may or may not be aware of the existence of football. His sidekick is Scratch, who (per Wikipedia) “wears his hat backwards, drinks Pepsi, and loves to party.” Piloting the Ramblin’ Wreck, Buzz runs down the Wildcat in cold blood (because he’s an insect). Scratch manages to escape the fight but later dies on the way back to his home planet.


College Football Playoff National Championship - Alabama vs. Clemson

Go to hell! This blog series is over.


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