A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

500 Days of Ryan: Day 6

The Autoblow 2.

It’s only human to doubt. To doubt the existence of God. Of a higher power. Of a Creator. It’s normal, I think, to ask ‘why?’ ‘Why me?’ ‘Why him/her?’ I don’t think either are necessarily an innate human trait, but more something installed into every fiber of your being as the weight of a millennial existence — of un-payable student loans, of wage stagnation and gaps, of living longer-and-longer at home because dad got laid off and your family needs another income source. Besides, you can’t afford to move out anyway. — slowly crushes your lungs as you gasp... fight for air like Jon Snow at the bottom of a medieval dog-pile.

You inevitable doubt the very existence of an actual meaning to life.

But then a sex-toy manufacture, Autoblow, offers Ryan Lochte a $10,000 endorsement deal and the actuality of a Virgin Named Mary getting preggers by the will of God above feels a little more real.

Sex-toy maker Autoblow is offering Lochte $10,000 to endorse its Autoblow 2 (pictured [above]), billed as “the record breaking crowdfunded automated male oral sex simulator.”


Oh, happy day! (Emphasis mine.)

The self-pleasure enabler said in a release issued Tuesday that Lochte can collect a cool 10 grand if he allows himself to be photographed with the device while smiling and pointing at it. The company said it will use the photo for advertising, with the caption “Autoblow 2: The Masturbation Device Olympic Champions Chose.”

“It takes years of dedication and practice to win one Olympic Medal let alone 12, so I see in him a man with qualities our brand stands for. I forgive him for his mistake and want to put him in front of an audience of men who admire him as the champion he is to help us promote the champion of masturbation devices: the Autoblow 2,” inventor Brian Sloan said of the offer.

How big of you inventor of AutoBlow 2, Brian Sloan. He continues.

“The Autoblow 2’s tireless motor exemplifies the Olympic spirit much as Lochte did while winning his medals.”


I was lucky enough to get a picture of Ryan using the product for the first time.

Ryan Lochte using the Autoblow 2 for the first time.

This is 500 Days of Ryan.

Share This Story